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Tonight was an off night. I should expect them. He was detached and then told me after a half a hour he began to get angry on his drive home and he was sorry. I told him no apologizes. I don't deserve them. His emotions are caused by my actions.

It just felt so not personal tonight. And I understand. It makes me re-evaluate myself over and over again.

He is definitely leaving for bit after the weekend. I am scared. But I believe we can do this. I am not giving up.

I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.

I hear you.

He was detached and then told me after a half a hour he began to get angry on his drive home and he was sorry.

What encourages me is that he did apologize to you, whether you feel you are deserving or not.

It's a good sign that he is communicating with you and shows that actions in a marriage, whether they be your actions or his (being angry), affects the other person.

Hopefully his trip will give him strength to work with you when he returns.

HP

[This message edited by HPrynne at 10:42 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)]

I understand this is going to be a long hard road. I haven't been a lone in a while. But maybe we both need it. He can take as much time as he needs to gather himself, to wrap his head around this terrible thing that I have done. I again told him, I am NOT giving up on us. He agreed he was not either. There are so many things I want to do for him and say to him. I just don't want to over-step my boundaries.

I'm dating someone who is diagnosed as bipolar.

I can sympathize with the on again/ off again mood swings. One day she is very loving, the next she is cold, detached, angry and even thougthless.

For me, I accept these mood swings and simply let her do her thing during these times without getting upset. I'm there if she needs me but I have learned to navigate the waters pretty well.

You may be in a similiar situation in that accepting that he will have swings from time to time and realize it is a temporary thing.

With these situations, it is important to focus on the big picture and not let a few set backs undo a large amount of work you have put in.

Good luck!

I again told him, I am NOT giving up on us. He agreed he was not either.

If this is in honesty by both of you, this is a great step. The hurt felt by him is going to be there for a long time.......get ready. Accept it and own the role you have taken in this hurt. Make it a point to tell him you will not do this again and then work on showing it. you have been doing a good job so far.

Sorry to hear that he is leaving. Yes.......He needs this time to wrap his head around this more. Be patient and remain transparent. You are doing a good job taking the patience that is needed for WS's in helping heal the pain we have caused. It makes a huge difference for BS's to know we are needing this role.

I just don't want to over-step my boundaries.

As long as these boundaries you state are for helping BS, I see no reason that you should not say or do what you want for him. My wife would tell me if I was overstepping........but never when I was doing anything for her or saying something to her in respect of being honest and transparent. It was scary at first since I thought I would make things worse. Little did I know..............

You already know, it is about them. Do for them, feel for them and think of them......then tell them. Good or bad, honesty is so much better than dishonesty.

During this time, it might be good to go NC.....for his sake. If there is more to tell and you want to tell him something, ask him for time to talk on the phone. Set a date and time. My wife and I had a great experience with this in NC.

Good Luck to You!

[This message edited by yaja at 12:26 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

Mistake,

How does BH feel about marriage counseling? If he is okay with doing this, maybe you can set up an appt. for the two of you. It would be a good way for you to show him that you are making efforts to heal the hurt, and it would help both of you get to a place of healing faster.

It's great that you are thinking of what he needs rather than what you want. The most you can do is offer your support. He is responsible for telling you if it is too much or too little.

Still thinking about you. (((Mistake)))

He isn't opposed the marriage counseling but he is not ready to pursue it yet. I am going to start going for myself to work through some personal issues.

Also, Fight2Survive. I am want to get out of the house tonight. In your opinion, would me going to the movies be suspicious activity. I always go to the movies alone, but in this circumstance would that be a red flag?

Yes, it would- no matter how pure your motives. Take a couple of female friends with you. Make sure you talk to BH about it first and ask him what he would be comfortable with right now.

Sad thing is, I don't really have a lot of girlfriends. We just moved to this area like three months ago, and I get along with guys a lot better. I just need to get out of the house. I will ask him.

It is not wise to go anywhere alone right now Mistake. If you do go it would be wise to verify where you are, When you get there and when you leave.

Your DDay is very very recent and it will be raw for your BH for you to go alone now.

Even if he says yes..he may trigger and you could come back to a seething BH.

I will ask him.

I suggest a very specific approach to this. You want to start communicating and getting on the same page with stuff.

So I would say:

BH, I would like to get out of the house tonight (communication of need).

because I am feeling X. (communication of feeling)

I know you are hurting and scared. (communication of empathy and understanding)

I don't have any girlfriends yet. All my friends are guys. (communication of the issue)

I was thinking about going to the movies tonight with _______ and _________. (communication of a proposed solution)

I want to know if you are OK with that, because I know what a state you are in. (request for his input and resend empathy message)

If you aren't OK with that, will you please tell me? I don't want to cause you any more pain or fear. (resend empathy message and invitation to him to communicate).

If you aren't OK with that, do you have any other thoughts on how I can get my need met? (invitation to solve this problem together -- this is critical as it is gong to be your problem solving model going forward)

If we can't come up with a solution that you are totally comfortable with, I will of course stay in because I'm not going to cause you any more pain or fear, period. (acknowledgment that his needs at this point are far more important to you than yours).

Please be honest with me about your feelings on this as I need your guidance on what you are feeling so I can show you how much I love you. (communication of your feelings about him)

Do you have any gay guy friends? I find them invaluable.... I wouldn't suggest going alone with a guy under any circumstances -- suggest two or decide to stay in. Sucks but sacrificing a Saturday night movie, no matter how benign YOU know the guy is, is not worth causing your H even a minute of fear.

And I totally understand the getting along better with guys thing -- I have very few girlfriends.

Ask yourself why you get along better with guys? Is it a flirty thing? Do you need the admiration and attention?

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with those needs. But if that's the case, you need to get to a place where you BH is meeting them.

I'm big on the "ask yourself" thing....

[This message edited by hopefulwife1985 at 7:13 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

It's been a little over a week right?

Would you be okay if your BH was the one who cheated and said to you a week later that he wanted to go to the movies... alone or with a bunch of his friends that happened to be girls???

I don't know if you have DVD rentals where you live but I'd look into it.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with those needs. But if that's the case, you need to get to a place where you BH is meeting them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with those needs...unless you had an affair

It would be a good decision to stay away from guy"friends" until your husband can feel safe with you around them..if that will ever happen.

I did speak to him. He didn't mind that I went to the movies. I went to see a horror movie ( which he has no interest in at all..hah). I even re-confirmed that he was ok with it. I did go by myself and that was ok also.

As why guy friends are more prevalent, (including gay guys <3, I prefer how they think..less gossip). I would never hang out with a guy friend now, I know better than that.

PS. The movie sucked.

Also we both agreed I needed to get out of the house, it gave both of us some time alone. Even though he said it was boring because I wasn't home..haha. Really, I wasted 10 bucks on a lame movie.