SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

its been almost 7mths since my husband found out about my affair. We had been going to counselling but he doesnt seem to want to go back, as he says its a waste of time. I want to so much make our relationships work but how do i get him to see that?....I can not make him do anything he doesnt want to do, nor can i make him feel better. I feel as though i am trying so many things to show him how very sorry i am and that i want this to work......is that anyone who is experiencing anything like this also?......I feel like i just want to sit and cry because i am so full of guilt and sadness for what i have done!....Is is possible to make it up to my husband ever?.....sometimes it doesnt feel like things are getting better at all.....its like we are getting worse as the days go by and i get a bit lost as to what to do

Sunshine, I'm only 3 months since I confessed my affair to my husband and can relate. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I have been wanting to make things right so badly, and I feel so ashamed of myself I don't know how to have the self esteem to move forward. The one thing that in a tragic way made me feel somewhat better is I finally told my husband about every detail of my affair, including parts that I lied about at the beginning. It broke his trust in me completely, and he said divorce is the only solution now. I have been trying very hard to earn his forgiveness, and he was ready to forgive before I told the whole truth, but now he feels the extend of the affair is too much to forgive. I'm devastated, but with all the truth out I finally feel like I got my feet on solid ground for once. I feel that at least it's a small amount of justice for my husband, now that he knows everything I've done. No one can make BHs do something they don't, and for some it IS a deal breaker. Sorry I don't have much words of wisdom. Just want to let you know that I understand the struggle. From all the posts here it seems it takes 2 to 3 years usually for BS to start getting over the affair. Just make sure you've told him everything, be completely honest, loving and patient, but prepare yourself mentally that even if you do all the right things from this point on, there's still a possibility that the M won't survive. All you can do is keep trying to be there for your husband as he struggles with the pain, and be the best wife you can be.

Sunshine I totally know how you are feeling. Sometimes it just seems like things are never going to move forward, or if they do, we end up going two steps back. I cry all of the time because of all I have done to hurt him. The worst part is that no matter what I do or say, he will never forget what I did to him. Will life ever be the same again? I hope it will be better, but the road to get there is so long and hard that it is hard to see the end. Try to get him to keep up the counseling even if it means that you have to try one after another until you find someone who fits for both of you. Right now the counseling seems to be our saving grace...we went to 2 or 3 others before we found our current one. I have been in IC and it has helped me so much. I am so much happier with myself as a person and I am hoping that it will help bring more happiness to our relationship. I'll be thinking about you!!! Stay strong!!!

My R went very much like yours.

Ultimately, you have to let go of the outcome of your M in order to move forward.

Do the right things for *you*. Make yourself a better person. Put 150% of your effort into healing yourself, your M and making amends.

In the end, it's still your BH's decision on whether you will R. Regardless of his choice, you still have to fix yourself. You're all you have.

thank you so very much for your responses!....it really does help to know that i am not alone with feeling this way.

I think one of the hardest things about this is, not feeling like you have the right to say anything because you feel that everything you say will revert back to what has happend.

My BS is very angry, and even though i understand why he is angry, i dont think i will ever understand the pain he is experiencing, I can only try.

How do you find a hapy medium?...How do you express yourself without feeling like you are always saying the wrong thing?....sooooooooo many questions.

My BS knows so many specific things about my A, even detailed things. He still wants to know what he did wrong, but how do you tell someone things like that, when you are struggling with the answers yourself?

Does this make sense to anyone?

I wish I had the answers for you Sunshine, but if I did I wouldn't be here because I am looking for them too. I want to express myself on so many things, but you are right. It is hard to do that because it might come back to bite you where it hurts. At some point doesn't it have to become more about moving forward than dwelling on the past and the A? If and when does that ever happen? We had issues with our marriage before the A...we both had issues, but I am letting the past in the past and looking to the future together. I know that BH will never forget about the A, but will he ever be able to leave it in the past and look to the future? Am I selfish for wanting that to happen? I know I am the one who screwed this up, but I still feel like it is up to both of us to fix this. I just want to cry because I am even in this situation....I love him so much...this just sucks!!! Lots of love!!!

allmylife.......I know EXCTLY how you feel on trying to look to the future!.....I feel like i am also trying to do that but it seems that everytime i do that, I am at fault for not wanting to talk about anything!.....does this sounds familiar?

I also wish that i had all the answers, not only for now, but for before all of this

My thoughts are with you as i know how you feel on all the things you are talking about. How long has it been since your BS heard of your A?

It feels like a HUGE nightmare. Its as if i can't even wake up from the horrible reality of what i have done.

I have shown my BS this site, and i hope he finds things on her as helpful as i do.

I think that i really need to get myself back into C, if not together, then for myself.

My BH found out about my A in 5/09. Being stupid, I thought it would be ok to continue contact with OM via email and that led to another encounter in 10/09. So for almost a year now we have been fighting for R. We have been separated since 6/10. During the past year, BH has felt that I have not changed what needs to be changed for him to be happy with us. I had been really bitter about things that happened before the A and not really getting the full impact that the A had on our marriage. Since the separation I have thrown myself into my IC and have decided to leave the past in the past and am finally happy with myself. I used to hate myself and now I just hate what I have done. Don't give up on the C, both IC and MC. They are both so helpful.

This week has been really tough for me. BH has been really down and I have been trying to get him to open up to me...yet I selfishly don't want to talk about what happened anymore. I try to do anything to prove I am sincere in my attempts at fixing us. The problem is that he says "jump" and I "jump" and then he says its not high enough, but how am I supposed to know that? It is a never ending cycle and I feel like I am bouncing off of the walls! One day we are the happy couple and I have hope. The next day he resents me again and I start to lose that hope.

I have tried to speak to my friends (who never tried to stop my A) about what I am going through, but they don't get it. They don't see the whole picture. They are not the most supportive of our R. It hurts because they say that they want me to be happy, but that means being back with my BH. At least here I know that I am not alone in my feelings.

Let's make a decision to let tomorrow be a new and better day. We are strong women and we will get through this...take care.

I have tried to speak to my friends (who never tried to stop my A) about what I am going through, but they don't get it. They don't see the whole picture. They are not the most supportive of our R.

They are not "Friends of the marriage", they were enablers.

No wonder why your BH says you dont 'get it'?

BH here... no stop sign so I would just like to tell you how I felt about this:

I know EXCTLY how you feel on trying to look to the future!.....I feel like i am also trying to do that but it seems that everytime i do that, I am at fault for not wanting to talk about anything!

"looking to the future" would mean to me "forgetting about the past". I know, for me, I may forgive my WW at some point but I will never forget her actions during her A and after D-day.

The only thing that has made me feel better about my WW's A is talking and more talking. I need to know ALL of the details about the A (I still don't) and not just the factual when and where's. I am actually MORE interested in knowing what was on her mind during the A... what thought processes led her to make her decisions. I also want to know how her thinking has changed over time about her A. I want to know if she has fond memories about any aspects of the A or if she remembers it in disgust.

She knows I want her to talk and nothing aggravates me more than when we have a perfect time to talk and she keeps quiet. I know it is hurtful for her to talk about her A and she'd rather not. I feel the closest to my WW after we have a difficult but enlightening discussion about her A and her feelings about it both past and current. Yes, we end up talking about the same things over and over but it makes me feel like she is engaged and wants to help me understand.

Any details WW hasn't disclosed to me is like a continuation of her A. I don't feel like she should get to keep any secrets about her A from me. In a way it brings her secret, fantasy world out into the open where she can see it for what it really was... a fantasy.

bs here - ditto what alexa says.

also, like many of you have mentioned, as discouraging as it is, this is the part where your BS will see if you are strong enough, with the stamina to endure this process.

im my M, part of my issue is feeling like if the going got tough (and it never really did), my WH gave up and did stupid shit. (not just infidelity.) so how long is he going to handle this kind of tough before he bails?

your BS's need to feel like you can handle all the pain they have for as long as they have to express it...that this "new" you isn't a phase that will eventually exhaust you....then you'll slip up big, give up, or resent the hard work and hurt us again...also, major human habit changes can take a DECADE or better to become character traits. it's scary. i mean, you weren't strong before, how long can you really keep this up? (not an accusation, just a question that runs through our heads).

that sailboat analogy that floats around here is a great one. when you feel weak (and i understand why you would!), go read that again. it might inspire your continued consistency and strength. plus you are here getting strength ...and in my mind, reaching out for resources (the right resources!!!) to support you while you support your BSs is huge.

keep it up, and care for yourselves. you MUST forgive and truly love yourselves to keep your BSs safe in the future. people's hurt self-esteem and egos are generally what lead them down the slippery slope. if you are killing yourself to help your BS but hate yourself, you are vulnerable to someone who comes along and convinces you that you shouldn't have to do all this work, that you've done enough, that it will never work, that your BS does't appreciate you.....and that you deserve to have an easier time with them, someone new. while my WH is nowhere near talking to someone else right now...what about a year from now, or 3 or 5? he loves that high...how is he going to live without it that long if i'm still hurting? i need to see him enjoy the new high that comes from self love and seeing himself become a strong, consistent, honest person. and i need to see his love for himself, me and his family be enough to fill his life and heart.

sorry if this is rambling, those are some of my insecurities and we are 10 months in and S. my WH is doing most of this stuff even though i booted him out. your BSs aren't testing your fortitude as a mind game...the hurt is real and long and hard...but we are probably all testing it as part of considering R.

good luck and hugs.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 6:14 AM, September 6th (Monday)]

Excellent advice from Stretch.

When you most want to pull away, go toward your BS.

Endure their anger, don't run from it. Prove to them that you're there no matter what.

You're re-building their sense of security and trust, one pebble at a time.

Ultimately, you have to let go of the outcome of your M in order to move forward.

Exactly! The other equally important element (for BS and WS alike actually) is to know you'll be ok no matter what.

I know if I had someone clinging to me because they couldn't face being alone or were desperate because of abandonment or rejection issues I'd run (actually am running now)

Showing remorse, responsibility for your actions, reaching out, weathering the storms, working on yourself, working on fixing the unhealthy destructive thought process you had allowing the affair will convey much more to your BS.

I'm a FWW and just over 2 yrs. from d-day, and what I learned is the first thing to do is work on yourself. You can't help anyone until you help yourself. But, be there for you BS. Answer any questions honestly, no matter how hard or how much they may hurt. Things seem to get worse before they get better.

I'm so sorry for your pain and I know the lost feeling to well. It's a long road and alot of work.

They only thing we as WS's can do, is be open, honest, transparent, listen, be remorseful, and take it day by day. But whatever you do, do not forget about yourself. Take care of you too. Baby steps...

The reason i did not put up a stop sign is because.....i want to hear from the BSs.

I find your words very insightful, as it makes me see things from a different perpective!.....so i thank u all for that

It is hard to talk about the A, especially details, but i do see what u all mean by trying to be honest and tell all, even though its very difficult because you dont want to hurt you BS any more.

I feel pretty shitty and dissapointed and annoyed and frustrated and angry at my self for not being able to take this back, but i have to really try to focus on what WILL be and not what was, and i am hopeing that one day, my BS will also be able to see that.

Thank you so very much for all of your comments.....they really do give me so much hope. ox

Bs here - at 7 months I think I was just coming out of shock. And, to be honest, I've been in the "anger" and/or deep sorrow phase ever since.

All you can do is show your H you are fully committed and not brushing it under the rug.

Answer his questions. In the short term- you might be sorry because he will be very, very angry, but after he cools down, he will likely appreciate your honesty & be happy to get rid of that nagging feeling that he doesn't know everything. (My H was in his A for 1 1/2 years before I found out - so there was plenty of stuff I'm not ok with - stuff that was incredibly hard to hear & harder to understand. In my case - I don't think my imagination was worse than the truth.)

As the BS we feel completely out of control - we dont know what the Hell was going on for the entire length of the A. We were lied to throughout the A. Many of us were lied to after DDay with all the minimizing and trickle truth, etc. At some point, we NEED to know we've gotten to the bottom of it. At some point, we need to know you are not lying to us anymore.

We can then switch to processing the meaning of the facts.

At some point, I imagine your H just needs to see you have changed.

Today, I am happy to say, was the 1st happy day -not overly happy - but I felt the closest to "myself" for the 1st time since DDay and I'm just a little over 1 year out.

So, just keep trying. I can understand wanting to move forward - but to a BS that can be a very frightening concept - we don't want YOU to ever forget either.

I wish you well.

It is hard to talk about the A, especially details, but i do see what u all mean by trying to be honest and tell all, even though its very difficult because you dont want to hurt you BS any more.

My WW told me this exact same thing and I have a little insight into the idea that she didn't "want to hurt" me by disclosing details.

I have told WW time and time again that, yes, the details hurt me but that I absolutely HAVE to know them. Since I am telling her that I need them she isn't protecting me at all but instead impeding my healing.

By not telling me the details WW is protecting HERSELF. She sees how the details hurt me emotionally and she doesn't want to feel the guilt of inflicting that pain. It isn't really about me... it's about her pain that comes from telling me the details.

My WW hides behind the guise of protecting me but in reality she is just continuing to think only of herself and not address my needs.