SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am starting to get a clearer picture of what has been going on.

Her first affair occurred while I was deployed to Korea. She went to visit some friends back at an old duty station. The friends had a party and she got drunk and slept with a guy at the party.

When I came back from Korea, she was different. Sex between us became rare. She would belittle me in public, make snide comments in front of my coworkers.

The next 3 affairs - she is still keeping her mouth shut about any details. Two occured in GA and 1 in Hawaii.

The next was a long term affair. She was sleeping witha coworker. I found out about that one, but none of the others. I started getting ready for a divorce. Her lover dropped her and left the island - their affair was discovered at work as well. We tried counseling, but she stopped going when the counselor told her she had a drinking problem. We had sex while I was getting the divorce paperwork ready. Then she's pregnant. She wasn't supposed to be able to have children. Of course I had the "is it mine?" question - who wouldn't. But I was thrilled. I thought my own child was something I would never have. The divorce fizzled, she stopped drinking, we got along.

I went to school then. Two years of language study. Our son was born, and she was a devoted mother. We moved on to our next duty assignment and I was off to war.

Her drinking came back while I was deployed. Heavily. By the time I returned her alcoholism was full blown. She'd leave our child and go drinking. This is also when the affairs started again. Two more at least, though she is tight lipped about these as well.

Her alcoholism got so bad that I began filing for divorce - again. I told her about it, and she went out, got drunk, then checked herself into rehab. Its difficult to leave someone who finally admits they have a problem and take positive steps to correct them (at this point I still only knew about the one affair and we had never really addressed it) So again I am off the war zone. I moved her and my son to live with my parents. To me the reasons were obvious and necessary. My wife, while she consented, was very bitter inside about it. She had at least one affair while I was in Iraq. She put herself on a dating websight and hooked up with a random low-life. Her BFF (a divorced woman a few years older than her) was living a promiscuous life style and my wife was envious of her freedom. Her friend encouraged her to cheat on me because I was such a terrible husband.

I came back from Iraq and my wife was straight up mean. She went so far as to tell me she wished I had died in Iraq. That stung. Bad. She agreed to marriage counseling, and this time it actually helped. But then we moved only a few months after I redeployed. Moving is stressful - VERY stressful on my wife. Our relationship went into the toilet. When we got our tax return she took it and went back home to visit her friend. Her "friends" birthday present to my wife was to set up a threesome. My wife got drunk and went for it.

When my wife got back to Texas she started going to bars "dragging bait" She also put herself out on the net again and started answering ads. Thats when and how I found out. She left a window open on my computer (I was fixing hers at at the time) Fling.com That was 3 weeks ago. She also left her email open on my computer. There were things there that will haunt me for a long time. I was (am?) ready to leave her.

I begin to question her. Interrogate her. Her lies twist around, and she is having trouble. Then one thing slips. And another. Within a few days, I have most of the story. Then a slip on her facebook, and I find out about the threesome. I'm - I don't know if there is a word for what I felt.

She went to see both the chaplain and our pastor and suddenly she acts as if she's had an epiphamy. She no longer wants a divorce, she wants to reconcile. But is reluctant to drop her "BFF"

She's had several opportunities and made several promises to have no more contact. But she keeps breaking it in oreder to "say goodbye one last time"

I am tired of her lies.

I am sick in my heart.

For the sake of my son I will reconcile, but only if I think that she and I have a future together.

How do you ever build a relationship with someone who has deceived you for so long. When your life is based on deception and betrayal. I can't and won't go through this again. The drinking problem erased our savings and put us $40K into debt. She isn't invested in our relationship - sexually, spiritually, or financially.

Her biggest complaints against me are that I'm not buying her enough stuff. New furniture, new clothes, new jewelry. That is why I'm such a bad husband. I won't buy anything on credit anymore (out of debt now and I'm staying that way)

I'm not sure I have it in me. I can forgive, I can always forgive since God is willing to forgive me. But I'm not strong enough to put my soul back on the line. I DON'T want to be a weekend parent. I want a happy home for him. I wish I knew if that were possible.

My story crosses so many threads...I don't know what to do.

(I already tested for STDs. I'm clean)

[This message edited by SoldieringOn at 7:07 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

Is she still drinking?

If not – is she doing anything about her alcoholism? And decent alcoholic will tell you that the drinking is only one aspect of the disease and that getting sober is relatively easy. It’s accepting being sober and remaining sober that’s tough.

This is a key issue: If she is still drinking OR if she isn’t doing anything other than remaining sober (not working on her alcoholism) most MC’s will tell you it’s a hopeless case. An active alcoholic WS has to deal with their drinking before being able to do ANYTHING about the marriage.

Hey SoldieringOn, I'd say that just sucks - but I imagine you already know that, so ((Hugs)) and welcome.

One thing that stuck out in your post is the BFF of your WW. This woman is not a friend of the marriage. She needs to go, if your W truly wants to R, this is not too much to ask.

I think what you have pieced together is that you WW needs outside validation, and seeks that attention. Why - is the million dollar question. And IC (and honesty in IC) sounds like it is a must.

Beyond that you'll need to decide on your deal breakers, and lay them out. Then hold on tight, the rollercoaster is filled with twists and turns. One day at a time, meanwhile, focus on taking care of you and your son!

Sorry friend, but run, this is what your life will be like with an alcoholic and serial cheater. If she can't stay clean why do you want to waste more time. You deserve better than this man, keep your dignity.

She claims the weekend back home was the only time she fell off the wagon, but I am finding that difficult to believe.

She is bipolar, and really bad. Has the instant gratification needs...she can't seem to control herself. Our pastor (we did reveal multiple affairs, but not the threesome. That one was too much for me to speak aloud) suggested she get back into AA. I want her to as well. It may even be a deal breaker...

Its so easy to say "I'd leave in a hearbeat under those circumstances" until you are in them. The damage to my son. Close to retirement and giving everything we have to two lawyers (still recovering from her spending spree)

Some times I wish she'd just say its over so we could get it over with. As with so many here, I'm drained, hollow, and tired.

Friend, my ex was bipolar. She stayed off the meds because she wanted the high she got from drinking, you can't do both. It gave her an extra high when she was manic. She was super sexed and had trouble controling herself. Friend if she won't stop drinking and stick to her med's she is a train wreck waiting to happen. If she won't get the help she needs there is nothing you can do but get distance between the two of you. My bipolar ex was a heavy drinker, had a two year affair and gave birth to a son that wasn't mine, seriously, run if she won't stay clean. This girl will cheat because you didn't take the garbage out.

I would focus on getting her back into AA. Most of us have a recovered friend, colleague or relative. I suggest you find one and ask whether there is an active Big Book AA group in your area. I would then do all I could to get her to go.

Soldier,

We are near the same age and lengths of relationship. We also have WWs that are alcoholics. While my WW has not been with as many men(I think), I see many parallels. The absolute drinking problem, the heightened sexual arousement while at the same time the lowered self-esteem. And absolutely the POS girlfriends of hers, all of whom have screwed around on their husbands. I can't tell you how much it sickens me.

But most of all, I can't help but target the alcoholism. I truly believe things would not have played out as they have without drinking. That is why after my last D-Day, it is the ultimate dealbreaker--no alcohol ever again. Stop drinking, go to rehab, tie yourself to your fucking bed, but don't touch it again.

And that is not saying that we will reconcile; that is to save her before she kills herself and leaves our children without a mother. After I straighten her out I will focus more on me and our future.

I'm not saying that was the same for you, just the drinking really struck a chord with me and was wondering if you feel your situation has any similarities.

The alcoholism plays a role. I have my own opinion about root problems though. Her self esteem is low. She constantly needs reassurance. Affirmation. That combined with the bipolar issues...she can be a trainwreck waiting to happen.

AA is likely a dealbreaker for me. She hasn't embraced the idea though. A mistake on her part.

She is beginning to become transparent. She (voluntarily) has given me her facebook password. She refuses on the email and chats. That concerns me. Greatly. But its only been 3 weeks since discovery and 2 weeks since she began admissions.

I'm scared these days. Frightened of staying. Frightened of leaving.

Its an awful way to live.

I think that you're dealing with a spouse with a dual addiction.

Alcohol and sex (or love... sometimes women who are SA equate sex with love and it's the feeling of being loved they are seeking... not always though so it's a better bet to just say sex addiction)

Dual addiction is very common especially when sex (or love) addiction is involved.

I think AA is a good start but you need to educate yourself on SA too and bring it up to her if it clicks with you.

Here's one thing:

The 4 Core Beliefs of a Sex Addict

1. "I am basically a bad, unworthy person."

2. "No one would love me as I am."

3. "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others."

4. "Sex is my most important need." (or "Sex is the only way I can get love.")

If that sounds like your wife educate yourself on SA.

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA

This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.

~~

Educate yourself about sexual addiction.

First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

~~~~

Her best hope for recovery is for her to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:

http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. She has to work her recovery on her own and even if she doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict and alcoholic. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA (or at least addiction in general) otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)

~~~~

Online resources:

http://www.sexhelp.com

This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org

Sexaholics Anonymous

If your wife faces her sex addiction and seeks treatment she'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT and going to SA meetings for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.

~~~~

To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If she doesn't face her addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise anyone to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:

"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes

(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your wife to start if she's willing to face her addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

~~~~

Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force her to seek treatment and you cannot control her but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself and your child safe.

PM me any time. Please join us in the "Spouses/Partners of SA 5" thread in the "I Can Relate" forum.

7

I suffer from being a BS of a 4 month EA and a ONS.

God bless you...

You need it.

PRAY...

Hugs too while i'm at it.

More forward, more backwards. She slowly is becoming more transparent, but she still prefers to lay the blame on me for her affairs. I've never claimed to be perfect. I'm quiet, more thoughtful than interactive, often withdrawn, and I avoid conflict in my personal life (I get enough conflict in my work life to deal with)

I understand that these things seem huge to her, while I perceive them as minor. I don't see anything that she has laid on me as coming anywhere near justifying what she did. And she does admit that as time went on, it became easier and easier to do it.

I'm starting to sleep a little (3 hours last night) and I am able to eat a little more (still not a regular meal though) I dislike drama. Intensely. Why must my life be the soap opera its become. I just wanted a home. I don't know if I'll ever have it. She has taken that from me.

Dammit.

It is sometimes said that there are 3 "A's" that are almost guaranteed to destroy any marriage if tolerated or allowed to continue:

1. Adultery

2. Alcoholism

3. Abuse

Soldiering, you have 2 out of 3, and possibly all 3, because what your wife has done in the past is emotional abuse--I don't care how you cut it.

And if she doesn't address her alcoholism now, regardless of whatever else she does, you are just "whistling past the graveyard."

And I totally get your concerns regarding your son and the heartwrenching issue of what he needs and what kind of time as a father you would have if you and your wife were to separate.

But nothing can be much worse than living with a woman who is not invested "sexually, spiritually or financially." You are worth much more than this.

If it were me and this went on for a lengthy amount of time, I would sure be concerned to have my child be in her prescence. I would proceed to take her to a psych facility. She is a danger to herself and others. Even if you have to fight to get a court order to commit her. She needs to be locked up, detoxed and put on an appropriate drug regimine, then given the opportunity to live in society. You yourself cannot keep living like this. It is obvious to me that you deserve better. Either you love your wife too much, or you don't want to start over. I know both of those feelings.

hugs to you....

Dear Soldiering on,

First off, thank you for your service. People in the military make so many sacrifices for us, and I want you to know you are appreciated.

I am sorry to say that with all her cheating, it just sounds like your world is full of grief so long as you are her husband. She certainly does not behave like someone who wants to be part of a loving family. You might want to think what sort of lessons your precious son will be inadvertently taught if the two of you stay together.

By no means do I want to tell you what to do, but I suffered in a bad marriage for too long before I finally left my first H. He took leave of the kids lives, and while it has hurt my kids, they both have grown up and done well.

I just wanted to say that I am sure you are capable of making up your mind whether she deserves another chance, but please try not to let your anxiety about D cloud that judgment. Sometimes people just are not capable of changing.

Sending wishes to you for peace and happiness with your dear son.