This Topic is Archived
strivn4peace (original poster member #29311) posted at 2:52 AM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2010
...to judge a person by how he raises his kids?
For example, if he has been a liar yet continues to let his kids lie and get away with it. Or if he has not honored boundaries and thus cheated yet lets his kids have soft boundaries (no real consistent rules).
I'm curious about how many people think that this is a sign of a person who just doesn't "get" how wrong his actions were because he allows related behaviors to continue in his kids.
Or think that I'm wrong and should think of the man separate from the children.
Or perhaps think something else.
Lay it on me...I'll listen.
(Impetus for this post: I just watched my FWH's 14yo tell my FWH that something taken from school - a calculator - didn't belong to him and say it was his younger brother's. Then when his brother came in and said it wasn't his, my FWH went back to the 14yo and asked him again if he had seen it before. This time he said yes. And that was the end of it. My FWH set it aside and took responsibility to return it. No question as to why he lied in the first place. Not an uncommon scenario.)
My son (hopefully) leaves for college in 9 mos and I'm trying to figure out if I will belong in this household after that. I have absolutely no say in things related to my step-sons. And yes, they live with us most of the time.
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” ~Author unknown
I have one foot in, one foot out...but if he continues to progress the way he seems to be lately, I'll bring my foot in and close the door.
Rise_Above ( member #23674) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2010
Kids learn by example. If they get inconsistencies, they will take advantage of situations for their own gain. However if there are consistent consequences for actions, they will know that no means no, not sometimes when I feel like disciplining.
ETA: I didn't answer your question...yes I would take the whole as whether or not I want to associate with a man based on his actions. If he is inconsistent with his children, what makes you think he will be consistent with you?
[This message edited by Rise_Above at 9:23 PM, September 6th (Monday)]
You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli
*****
God's hand was an avocado branch
strivn4peace (original poster member #29311) posted at 12:51 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
RA - That's pretty much my experience as a parent and what I've learned from others (parenting books, school counselors, therapists, teachers). AND you bring up a good point - how can I trust that he will be consistent in his actions with me if he is not that way with his own kids? Sadly, I think that is also one of the barriers to me being able to R. It also affects my wanting a relationship with his kids too.
However, if anyone has another perspective, I'd love to hear it. I just want to be open since this subject often results in arguments between me and my FWH.
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” ~Author unknown
I have one foot in, one foot out...but if he continues to progress the way he seems to be lately, I'll bring my foot in and close the door.
I think I can ( member #17756) posted at 2:15 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
My answer would be YES I judge a person by how he raises his kids, and NO it's not wrong. But when you are married to the guy in question, that's a whole other kettle of fish. I'd take this question straight to New Beginnings!
I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.
This Topic is Archived
