Allmylife:
I’d like to offer my perspective as a BH, mostly because I can see where your BH and I might be in a similar situation: waiting for our FWS to become someone we can love and respect again, and wishing we could avoid such a devastating loss to our children.
There are, of course, limits to what you are expected to put up with after d-day, physical abuse being one absolute on the list. But your description of “screaming matches” puzzles me. One of the things that damaged the options for my FWW and I even further after d-day, and made the road longer and harder, was her defense of herself and her behavior. I can’t say that I agree that a WS should endure limitless name calling after d-day. I really didn’t participate in that. Even in the face of some really cruel statements from my FWW (for which she still hasn’t apologized), I knew where I stood and had done enough research that I knew where her mind was, so I just bit my tongue…very hard. But I can certainly understand why a BS, having been hurt so badly by the person they loved most in the world, would say such things. I guess if I wanted to scream at my FWW when I discovered her As, I would expect her to just sit and take it rather than engage me in a “screaming match”. For there is no possible defense for the level of betrayal inflicted by a WS on their BS. However much it may have hurt to hear some of the things your husband may have said to you in the aftermath, don’t forget that the pain he felt from your betrayal was thousands of times worse. So even if one should expect the angry words from a BS to subside after a reasonable amount of time, defending yourself in the form of screaming back may have made R harder.
I guess, for me, there are a number of things I need my FWW to do in order to R. Several of them were made clear in the early days after the multiple d-days, and she has either forgotten them, is not strong enough to do them, or chooses to deny I mentioned them (I don’t suggest this path). But more than specific tasks, what I personally need involves acts and behavior that makes it clear that she has arrived at the “wtf was I thinking” stage. We want to know that you are going to face your behavior head on without any blame shifting (at all) or sugar coating. You can say all the wonderful things you want, and you should, but until the words are backed up with real, concrete actions and behavior that make it clear that you value your BH immeasurably more than the A or the OM, it won’t make a significant difference. In other words, talk really IS cheap. After being betrayed at such a level, especially multiple times, we wonder why we should invest more time in someone who places such a low value on our feelings. I suspect your chances would improve significantly if you were to be proactive in doing whatever may help your BH regain respect in you and your decisions. This may include discussing whether you should tell the OM’s BS (and follow through with whatever he feels is appropriate, regardless of how hard it may be), avoid FB like the plague, disassociate with anyone who may have helped you deceive your BH, etc. Also, if you must be told what you need to do, it greatly cheapens the act itself. We want you to put yourself in our shoes, and do whatever is necessary to help us heal from what you’ve done to us. It shows us that you recognize how badly you hurt us, and understand what it’s going to take to recover.
Another thing that makes it hard for me to consider R is that my FWW seems incapable of becoming completely vulnerable to me. She seems to be ever-vigilant of my leaving, and this behavior may be the very thing that causes me to leave. It seems like she is protecting herself from being rejected, and therefore cannot fall completely into our relationship. What you must remember is that your BH feels that you threw him away (aka rejected him), and it’s up to you to open yourself wide to him, throwing all caution to the wind, and remain that way until he either comes back in or walks away.
I hope this helps. And I hope your family can recover.
