SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

I thought I would introduce myself with my story- I will try to keep it short and to the point, filling in details as time goes on I suppose.

I have been married to my husband for over 15 years and have been involved with him for ten on top of that. We have three school age kids.

I will start with a blunt description of what I have done and try to leave out excuses and rationalizations.

Three years ago, after being faithfully married up to this time, I had two sexual indescretions with two male friends of ours followed by a PA/EA with our real estate agent which lasted about a couple of months. D-Day occured and I admitted there was something going on between myself and the agent. My husband did not press for details and I did not offer them. I did not have to put a great deal of effort into R because my H did not threaten to leave for more than a few hours and seemed satisfied after a few MC sessions. My sense of having gotten away with something I regretted doing overshadowed the feelings of shame and remorse I should have been dealing with.

I was good for another year and a half, knowing full well that I would never again have an affair. But my problem was not fixed, nor was it recognized. After a few major life crises not related to the affair I found myself with too much time on my hands and little motivation to build a healthy life (we had just moved to the UK from Canada). I began to spend a great deal of time on the internet, which led to online infidelity. I used the feeling of power I gained from manipulating men I didn't know (sexually) to manage my emotions. I engaged in sharing online fantasies, sending photos, texting and even a few phone calls with men who enjoyed the virtual alter ego I created for myself. This was all on, of course, a secret email account. I justified it by convincing myself it was no worse than my husband watching porn, as I was certain I would never hook up with anyone in person. Knowing what I know now based on my reading up on the subject of online sex addiction I thank God that I was caught before I went that far (which was very likely inevitable given enough time). I had no regard for the damage I was causing my husband, my children or the wives and children of the men I was toying with.

D-day for the online activity was the beginning of January. I trickle truthed for a day or two before I realized the torture I was putting my husband through by doing this. There was a moment of clarity when I realized that I had become essentially evil (and I am not a religious person) and had to face God. The only way I decided I could restore any respect to my husband and sense of hope for my soul was to tell the truth. This I did. I gave him every detail he asked for, including the transgressions from three years ago in Canada that I had "gotten away with", including the extent of the PA and the fact that I did not use protection. Full truth. The day I told him I hid the knives and all sharp objects in the loft because I was afraid one of us would be dead after the disclosure.

But this did not happen, and in fact the only reason my H is still with me, according to him, is because I came clean.

I have since done IC, MC, reading, and set very strict boundaries for myself regarding any behaviour that might lead to feeding the SA (or whatever my problem is). I do not chat with anyone online, I do not have any contact with any men outside of immediate family members and those with whom I socialize when my H is in the same room as me. I have followed these boundaries consistenly since D-day, but I know it accounts for little in the bit picture.

My H and I get along well most of the time and spend a great deal of time together. Of course, like so many others here, the damage I have done is far reaching and long lasting and my H suffers daily, fearing that it will happen again and he will have to leave me (he came very close in January). This morning, out of the blue he began to talk about how he is angry and afraid because he wants to trust me but feels he cannnot.

I agreed that he cannot trust me- I know now that I am not immune to the temptation of other men and that it will take consistent commitment to managing stress and emotions every day in order to prevent it from happening again. I do not want to cheat on my H again. I have come clean and want to stay that way. I will not insult my H by suggesting he believe me. I need to do this for both of us. I am like the alcoholic who can no longer have a single drink. I feel that if I trust myself I will let down my guard. I am also afraid that if I define myself this way I am setting myself up to give up.

Since D-day I have been putting more effort than ever into taking care of my H, his physical, mental and emotional needs. I work part time, so this has been easier than it would have been otherwise. I try harder to make sure his shirts are ironed, dinner is cooked, his muscles are massaged, and that I accept responsibility for times when he is upset or angry. Last night I began to feel resentful as I realized that I was turning myself into his servant. To be clear, my H does not want this. He wants the pain to go away, and there is nothing I can do about that now. So I am worried that I am steps away from giving up, particularly after this morning's conversation when he expressed his lack of hope that I will ever change.

So this is why I am writing to SI now, I don't want to lose hope. I was willing to leave if he wanted me to in January (though of course it would have been devastating) but he wants me to stay. I am committed to putting everything I have into R until he says the word, as it is really up to him in the end.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, and one more thing- I will not respond to private messages, for reasons stated above. Please do not take this personally.

[This message edited by facethemusic at 8:25 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

..good morning ftm

..BH here from Canada..you have expressed a great deal of understanding and clarity about what you want to accomplish in your quest for R..

you seem to be questioning your resolve to reach the goal, but the goal is often far off in the future..like a marathon run, you must simply keep pushing forward even as the legs seem to weaken..you must dig deeper into your feelings and remind yourself of the reasons you are running this race..your dear BH and your children and your self-worth.

....try not to faulter and put your resentment away..you know you are NOT a servant to your H..but rather think of yourself as a devoted caregiver to someone that needs a lot of healing, loving and serving of the 'best' you have to offer..

..you can't do "TOO" much to show him how sorry you are and that he is deserving of all you can do..

..if he tells you to ease up on your efforts, then so be it..take your cue from him..

..go to him and ask specifically what he wants and expects from you..reassure him that he will be able to trust you again, if given the chance.

..make him feel that you are still open to discussing anything he may want to question about the affairs..

..assure him that time together, working on better communication, openness and exploration of new and better forms of intimacy will build a stronger sense of who you both can be within the relationship..

..it's hard work and it takes a LONG time to rebuild a brokem marriage, but the bottom line is 'how determined are you ?' to keep working on what you broke..

..giving up is the easy way out, and you are better than that i think..

..and your family is at stake here so there are so many reasons to consider before either of you should conclude that it's over!!

..couples can overcome these betrayals..don't throw in the towel yet..there is still much work to do..for you and for him..

..and for your kids..

'Aren't you all worth it??'

..of course you are ..just don't ever forget it!!

..good luck to you both..i'm sure you'llhear from lots of others in the next while with tons of good advice and experiences related to your situation..

..read and post..you'll get there if you are determined.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:12 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

First of all welcome to SI and sorry you find yourself here.

Second, good for you for confessing voluntarily. Many WS here didn't. We had to get busted and that made things more difficult.

You seem to be doing the right things so far. You're putting your H ahead of yourself and doing what he needs you to do. You've set boundaries for yourself regarding behaviors that led you to do what you did. Though, IMO they could become too restrictive in the long run and cause resentment on your part. But, if you're comfortable with them then continue.

It will take time for you both to work through this and it can be and is a bumpy road.

But you have 28000+ people here who are ready and willing to help you and your BH.

hi facethemusic......thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories.....i can relate very much to it

I also know that having school aged children also makes things even more difficult.......Trying to discuss things when they are not around.....trying to keep fro crying when they are close.......Trying to keep a balance in the household!.......trying to keep going every single day, so that they are stable and secure.......sooo many things to go with the already feelings of blame and guilt.

I know what you mean when you say about making sure your BH is taken care of, but we still have to make sure we are ok too, even though we dont feel as though we are deserving of any kind of special treatment.

Its as though the A shakes the crap out of you and says :WAKE UP AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE AND NOT AT WHAT YOU DONT HAVE:.......and now that all is said and done.....we want to........but why didnt we before?

Thank you very much for your responses.

I will NOT give up. I have actually done the marathon before and I can do it again. I have not yet lost hope, though I can certainly feel the doubt creeping in, mainly due to my husbands expressions of doubt. There doesn't seem to be anything I can say in response that doesn't sound like I am trying to convince him that he can trust me again.

Somanyyears, thank you for re-framing the servant feeling for me, this will help a great deal. There have been times when my H infers that I am not doing enough and other times when he tells me I am doing too much. It is very difficult to tell whether I am hitting the mark most of the time, but I understand that patience and consistency is what is required here above all else.

I did not offer up the truth immediately, Clarissa- in a panic I tried to bury it as quickly as possible. It wasn't until my H had hard evidence of my emails that I realized the game was over and so was I. Remember that I did not offer the full truth of my PA for a year and a half. Then I felt I had hit rock bottom and the confessions that came afterward from the first affair was a puny attempt to restore something to him that he deserved and to come clean for my own sake. More details came even after my H did not leave me.

I believe that my crappy lack of core values and self esteem are partly responsible for my infidelity. This hard work seems like the most important thing I can do for both of us.

Part of the reason why my H is triggering so much lately, I think is due to our attempts to sell our house in Canada (which, of course, is not working out). I was astonished when my H chose to use the same real estate agent (the one I had the PA with) even though I searched out and provided alternative, recommended choices. I have not been tempted one bit to contact him, and have nothing to do with this bit of business. We were up half the night due to my H's nightmares and obsessive thoughts of divorce court. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone, and he did not, so I held him as tightly as I could as he floated in and out of a fitful sleep. He expressed anger at the fact that the only place he has to go for comfort is to the one who hurt him, but I continued to comfort him. I feel like this is the best thing to do unless he tells me to go away.

As for my boundaries being too restrictive, my H feels the same way- that I will not be able to maintain them long term. It is more important to me that my H feels as safe as possible so long as he is with me, and the restrictions do not bother me yet- it seems a small price to pay in the big scheme of things. We have discussed the value of negotiating these things as time goes on, for example: I had given up Facebook completely but we decided it was entirely reasonable that I limit it to viewing when my H is home and to turn off the chat function. As well, there are a few men that my H considered threatening or that I had flirted with in the past that were my FB friends, and I de-friended them.

I am struggling with the self care concept, feeling like I don't deserve support, happiness or comfort- even though I realize such thoughts are not helpful and not what my H wants. He wants me to be happy. I am consistently putting his needs before mine, which he also tells me he doesn't want but I know he needs it. My radar is tuned to him at all times. I know, in the long run this will have to change, but we are far from out of the woods yet.

I cried all morning yesterday- looks like a repeat

[This message edited by facethemusic at 2:07 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

I read your words and they hit so many points for me!

I am also trying to comfort by BS when he is down....i find it very difficult sometimes because i feel like he is hurt and i know he needs my comfort, but i cant seem to get over the fact that he is hurting because of me and then i feel angry at myself and leave him alone.......does this make sense?

My BS finds everything so hard to cope with, He is scared. Scared that if he trusts me it will happen again,......I explained to him last night that i am also scared......Scared of dissapointing him and hurting him again.......We had a great talk about so many things lst night....and i woke up feeling very happy this morning.......but since then......the feelings have shifted to a tense feeling again......How to rid the air of this tenseness?....I wish i knew?.....I wish i could change so much!

I do wish you well........I also wish myself well........

All i know is.....I have hurt the one person who loves me so very much......and for that i am deeply sorry and i am here doing whatever it takes to work us out and to get get a little bit of normal back.......but I am still a great mum and a good person....and i know that i will never do anything like this again....and even though i tell my BS this and he rightfully doesnt believe me....thats ok.......because i believe me!

Spot on, Sunshine- I think it's more important for us to believe in ourselves than to convince our SA's to do this (core values and all). I don't have the same issue as you do regarding leaving him alone when I start to feel lousy- I find the worse I feel the more attention I give him. I do get that voice in the back of my head that tells me I can't carry on focusing almost entirely on his needs forever, even though it seems like the right thing to do right now. I guess this is related to the idea that at some point in a marriage we need to start acting like a team again.

Though I need to point out that even though I take care of him more than he does me these days, he does provide far more caring and understanding that I deserve or that anyone could expect from him.