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Can someone please help me with how much truth I should push for in terms of # of A's and/or ONSs and timeline?

Does it hurt more hearing the truth or constantly wondering how many lies there are? At this point I'm deeply hurt by the truth but the lies continue to make me angry and resentful. Not to mention the assumptions in my mind may be worse than reality. I want the lies that have existed in our marriage to end.

Does knowing the truth lead to faster healing? He is extremely remorseful but I think it's possible that he is still protecting one of us from the full truth.

I personally need the truth. I don't care how horrible it might be. I don't think is is possible to forgive, if you don't know what you are forgiving. They owe us the truth in order for us to make an informed decision as to whether or not we want to stay with them.

JMO!

it is a very individula thing.

Some people (like me) want/need to know all the details, some don't.

I found the only way to stop the constant questions going around and around in my head was to ask them.

Unfortunately, my H was one that lied, omitted and trickle truthed, so I never really did get all the answers I wanted and even now more than four years after Dday, there are still things I wonder about.

ETA: When I did get truthful answers, they did help the mind movies stop, and it did help to know that somethings weren't as I had imagined them.

[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 1:39 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I was one who asked questions. I did try to only ask certain ones (as I knew some of the details I prob would not want to know) however, as my husband trickle truth'd, I had to ask more and more details to catch the lies and to put the pieces together. He did eventually begin to open up and tell truth. The more he did that, the easier it was to not justify the lies (he would hurt me). My philosophy has been the actions are already done and in the past. He already hurt you. You just don't know how. To heal, you need to know. Do you need to know positions and sex acts, etc... not necessarily. It is up to you, but you need to know what you decide you need to know to move on, heal, and to know he is remorseful and in full transparency, and fully committed to R.

One tip my MC told me. Only ask the question though when you are ready for the answer, no matter what the answer may be. It is tough. You will cry and you wil get angry and want to throw and hit and kick and scream. Do it. (Just don't attack HIM). Post on here and let it out. It is painful.

I agree that knowing the answers helps to control the mind movies. Mine would get pretty in depth and some of the answers I didn't like, but some were no where near as bad as in my head.

You will prob. end up asking some of the questions over and over. That is normal and it is how your brain is processing the affair and the hurt. As your spouse ansswers you over and over and honestly and honestly, your brain slowly starts to accept that it happened. It is a process.

Good Luck.

I needed to know. I asked for months and was put off. He didn't tell me b/c he had no intention of letting OW go. When he finally told me it just confirmed what I already knew. It still hurt. But once WH actually verbalized what he had been doing I saw the expression on his face change. It went from defiant to defeated. Once he said it it then became real for him. As long as I didn't know the dirty details he could pretend that he hadn't done anything wrong. Now there is no denying it.

I found it easier to deal with when I asked for every detail up front. My wife was and is very open and honest. She knows I may not like all the answers but knowing everything helps me not fill in the holes on my own. It also helps me put it in the past, which you can't do if you don't know. Good luck.

I had to ask details..and had to know. I'm still getting some answers. I also felt that I had to do this in stages, ask the questions that were burning me inside, get the answers, then next i wanted to know more.

The mind movies were making me crazy. Tho the reality made me sick, and i screamed, cried , growled and howled with pain, I am at least relieved of the wonder of it all.

The reality wasn't nearly as bad as my own mind movies.

Good luck.

We are all here for you...

Hugs

This is a tough one and everyone has a different need to know. My FWH had an LTA that lasted for 5 years. He would sneak off in the middle of the night to meet MOW in parks and fuck. He stayed up late at night masturbating while they chatted online. When I took my DS to practice on Saturdays, MOW would come to my house and they would fuck in my guest room. They even made a porn DVD.

Seriously, what else did I need to know?

I had to know EVERYTHING! I asked over and over till I had it all. down to every little detail. It hurt like HELL but I had to know!!!

I am 2 years out from d-day. I had questions from the instant I found out. Unfortunately she lied and denied for the first 3 months. That served to not allow me to fully believe ANYTHING she has told me thon or since. THAT is a horrible aspect of all of this. To this day I feel she has spun a web of lies mixed in with some truths...but I can't be sure of any of it.

To answer your question, in my opinion here is a test only you can take: If the questions you have are nagging you constantly and relentlessly then you may want to ask them. The answers will break you down to a shell of your former self. If you don't feel compelled to ask then do not do so.

You know they did it it is just a matter of the who, what, where, when and whys. Those answers will nearly kill you. Only in time will you know if you needed to ask certain questions.

I could not help BUT to ask.

The answers made me lose 20 pounds.

I do NOT regret asking them though. I just regret that she lied and omitted.

Not knowing is very very painful. The truth(what little I got) was very very painful. I know things I wish I did not know. Once you learn something you cannot unlearn.

I needed to know everything! For me the mind movies were soooo much worse than knowing the truth. But, I am sure I didn't get half of what actually happened. Personally, that wasn't good enough for me and subsequently caused me to file for D.

My advice would be to write out a list of the things you feel you need to know in order to quiet your mind. Then present this list to him and ask him to answer these questions for you.

One of the ways for BS's to hang on to and romantizize their A's is by omitting certain things and only telling some of the truths. I believe that my stbxww was a master of doing this. This will also give you a good idea of how good of a chance you have with R as I believe R is ONLY possible with 100% complete honesty and remorse. If you still think he is holding things back then it might be time to look at other options.

So sorry you are having to go though this.

Your needs will likely change over time.

At first you may need only to know that IT happened and with who and for how long.

Later you may wonder who else knew. Were there friends that helped cover it up.

Later still you may wonder about close calls. Did you almost catch them with out realizing it.

Later you may want to know where they went. And what they did.

Later you may want to know about all the sexual stuff.

The issue here is that WS oftimes claim they forget. So when we ask at a later date they claim that they dont remember. I personally dont buy this. But it is a valid argument. And there is no way to tell either way.

If you can handle it. Have you WS write out the entire time line. And leave it available to you should you need to know some thing they have forgotten.

Razor

I asked so many questions after DD#1 and was satisfied with the answers. After 10 months of R, I found out that my WH was still in contact with the OW. Back to square one and I find myself asking the same questions that I asked the first time around. Amazing, but now some of answers are different. He said he lied the first time because he knew the answers would hurt me and he didn't want me to leave. Well, guess what? I'm more likely to leave because he keeps lying to me rather than because of what the answers are.

I think Razor's response is spot on.

After my first D-day, I couldn't handle anything; I just shut down and went into self-denial(didn't know about SI yet).

D-day#2, I was devastated for a second time. I asked my WW a few questions, but I specifically remember to this day telling her that I'm sure there is more to know, and someday in the future I will ask for it.

D-day #3 just happened 6 weeks ago(found out she joined a dating site, but it was discovered and snuffed before it went anywhere). I got pretty hardline at this point, and started doing more of the correct things(legal advice, demand her go to IC, stop all alcohol, etc.).

Believe it or not, D-day#4 is today(I didn't even update my signature). Almost a year out from D-day#1, I am pretty jaded by now. I came home from work with a list of questions and timeline and asked every f@#cking question I wanted answered.

None of this means if my WW and I are going to get through this, but it does show, over time, how much more information you may be willing to want to know. It is entirely up to you. All I can offer is my opinion that you should get as much, if not all the truth possible; I can't see ignoring the unknown being healthier for your recovery.