Dear STBX:
You have been after me, off and on and off again, to reconcile with you. You continually ask me to go to MC. Why?
Let me list what you have done, real actions, to show me I can begin to trust you, and to help me heal:
1. You continued contact after each and every time you told me you would stop the affair.
2. You wrote a pathetic NC email on a Friday. On Monday, you two met to discuss the fact I had called the OW's partner and told him about you two. Then you two discussed that I knew her new phone number.
3. You admitted to me two days ago she changed her number, not because her partner demanded it, but to hide your contact from me. You also admitted getting a new phone, and putting it under your name to...hide contact.
4. You made a few stabs at transparency. You took a form to get the text records to prove no contact. That was weeks ago. I have never seen it. Ever.
5. After I had the gut feeling you were with her, waited at your apartment, and then saw HER SHIT in your car, you lied. The jacket (which I had not seen!) and the shoes, left intimately where women in the passenger side kick them off and push them aside, belonged to another co-worker with whom you went quite a distance for a work review. When I asked for her number, you just lied some more. It turns out the SHIT was OW's. You went with her on the review, had her in our car. And you stated that the state told you to ride together.
OMG.
5. Each time you insist on talking to me, I so stupidly agree to it, still hoping, again stupidly, you will get this f*cking bitch out of your head. Nope. I hear the SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER. NO ACTION. You do not provide me with cell records. You do not allow me access to your work email. You do not consider the ways to be transparent. You ask me to tell you what I want you to do.
Ummm.
Then you tell me your IC asked you why you want to R with such a controlling woman who expects waaayyy too much of you. For heaven's sake, stbx, there is NOTHING about what's in it for you in the R expectations!!!
6. You tell me you will go back to your IC (see above) one more time. What, to tell her I think she is so unprofessional, and not worthy of her job title? Go ahead.
7. You asked me dfor a framed picture of me to hang in your apartmentm, and wouldn't tell me why you want that. I have none. Let's see, shall I pay for printing one out, and the frame, and give it as a gift?
Hey - how about I purchase for you also, and gift wrap, the darts you will want to use???? And the donkey tail as well you will use also?
Well, fellow SIers, you get the idea. Nothing but lies and empty promises.
The man never meant to retire. He applied for one job. That's it. He wants to talk to me about which option if he does retire.
Okay, met with new law firm also. Gave them a check for mucho bucks. Called the previous law firm. I will hand deliver the consent to change attorney form. I will bet the lawyer won't be there to sign it. I was also told they did not know if they could have my file ready, and that the return of my retainer could be taken care of by end of week.
That is "prompt." My new lawyer says they have checks to write on the four days when their bookkeeper is not there. Not this place. So I have to come up with well over 2000 bucks on my own. Time of of the essence.
I always go on. But It all just sucks. This man continues to:
GASLIGHT.
STONEWALL.
BLAMESHIFT.
So let's see, have you done ANYTHING to regain trust?
No, you have just continued to lie. And tell me you lie to protect us, and rebuild our relationship as if you don't lie, I will be ANGRY AND MIGHT THROW THINGS.
GODDAMMITT.
I can't take anymore. I just cannot. My blood sugar worsens. I weighed myself a couple of days ago; I'd gained four pounds. Don't want to gain weight, not good for diabetes. Weighed myself this afternoon: oops. I'd read the scale wrong. I actually lost more weight. Weight less now than ever in my adult life. Stand sideways, stick out my tongue, and I'll look like a zipper. Small one, of course. I don't know how to move on without some support from others. I need people around me sometimes. but here so many of us are, having to depend on ourselves and no one else. With the disease that I have, that is a bit scary, but I have to not think about it. Can't take one more thing.
I really need a car full of sweater and farting dogs, and kittie wipes, and one spider monkey. Well what I really need is a human being to hold my hand and give me a hug. Just to hold me.
TJ
