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Has anyone else experienced this?

My dad has always had a pretty short fuse and unreasonably high expectations for kids, including his daughters and now my younger sons (the older ones did most of their growing up across the country from my father). My mother used to complain endlessly about being asked to babysit my older sisters boys once a week, when they were little.

My youngest (a son) was born after we moved back, and my mother has never made any effort to see him, being content with seeing him about 12 times a year, for an average of 2 or 3 hours, on holidays and birthdays.

Now, our younger sister has two daughters, 3 and 1, and my mother, from before they were born, has been gung ho to babysit them full time. Like 35-45 hours a week. Nobody could believe this, as she's always been so bad-tempered with kids. Moreover, she's having the time of her life, always raving about them, thinks it's cute and funny when they have an off day, sometimes has one of them at church with her in addition to the babysitting; my dad will take them shopping with him, acting like the proud grandfather.

I never would have left my kids with my mother for babysitting, anyway, because she and my dad are so short-tempered with them. When they have an off day, they're called 'spoiled brats.'

I think it's because they're the children of the favored daughter. My friend thinks it's because my parents have a clear preference for girls. I'm just wondering if it's possible for people to have that blatant a preference for one sex over the other??? Is this common and something I've somehow missed out on? Has anyone else witnessed or experienced this?

No, sorry. I have not experienced this. IMO- it is selfish and childish on their part. Children should not be picked over another. Each have strengths and weakness but always equal love.

My parents were relatively young when they became grandparents but they told me that they did not want to be unpaid baby sitters. They moved out of town when my DS was 8 weeks old. I was told that they did not want my son to stay with them until he was toilet changed.

Move on several years & when DS was at school we had trouble covering school holidays as both my H & I worked. We asked my parents (who were retired by the time they were 53) if they could have him for a few days each holidays. We paid them to have him. They did it but I always felt beholden to them.

5 years later one of my brothers moved to the same town as Mum & Dad & had a family. All of a sudden it seemed it was no problem for my parents to look after his kids. Right from new born they would baby sit.

My kids are now 16 & 18 but my 16 year old notices how much attention my parents pay her cousins. The go to watch her cousins play sport, celebrate birthdays with them, attend school plays. Basically everything they wouldn't do with my kids because they didn't want to spend money on petrol to visit us. (They live 100 miles away).

I must admit it still hurts but it it something I have learned to live with. As far as I'm concerned it's their loss.

My parents were much older and spoiled both of my kids -- esp. DD. She was their little *princess* and it was disgusting to see them fawn over her!

My ex inlaws don't see much of my dd (their only grandchild), they are not involved by their choice. I have always thought that was a bit odd.

my mother favors my oldest... i think it's a combination of her having more involvement in his early childhood, and, i'm divorced from my dad and she loves anyone she can see as a victim she has to rescue, in this case from me...

my inlaws always have a favorite... at one time it was my oldest daughter.. with them it's strictly geographical.. it's whichever they see most and live closest too...

both cases it's glaringly obvious to the other kids who the favorite is

which creates some hard feelings and resentment

i remember roo saying to me when seh was three how come grandma loves ducks more than me??

the problem with the inlaws is there is a LOT of grandkids... and whichever is grandma and grandpas current favorite they become an outcase with the other kids, and disliked by their aunts and uncles...

my in laws do this to the extreme...and it sucks...and blatant is not the word for it....they did it and do it with their kids and their grandkids....

these toxic people are no longer in my or my kids lives anymore...and it was their choice btw, and my kids if given the choice knowing the kind of people they are, no longer want anything to do with them....

it is selfish and childish on their part

I spent my childhood hearing what a wonderful family we were, what wonderful parents, and having other family's flaws pointed out. As an adult, I'm coming bit by bit to see it's an alcoholic family (my dad was diagnosed years ago as an alcoholic) with two miserable, unhappy and barely competent people at the wheel. But those tapes of 'we're a wonderful family' are strong, and it's been hard to believe what I see before my eyes. I should add, btw, that since I cut ties with them, in the wake of some ugly behavior and words, and ridiculous, impossible expectations of me and my kids, my mother has essentially not seen any of the younger kids more than maybe once a year (we 1-1/2 miles from them, no less) and she seems absolutely fine with that.

hopefulnz, do you think it has to do with what gender the grandchildren are, or whose children they are, or something else? I, too, have taken the attitude it's their loss. A part of me hopes the kids never notice so they won't be hurt by it. Another part realizes that the less they don't notice these things, the more my kids might think I'm the one with the problem and not understand why I won't go near my own parents.

they did it and do it with their kids and their grandkids....

Yes, my parents do it with us, too. I used to think it was mellowing with age, but after reading about roles in alcoholic families, we fit it to a T. They regard as the biggest screw-ups the two of us who did and live everything they claim they value, and it's the two who are tattooed, pierced, throwing keggers, and (one of them) married to a rock drummer with brushes with the law and lots of women in his past, who can do no wrong!

drowninginsorrow--how very sad that it hurts the grandchildren with resentments.

On DS's 6th b-day, MIL was spending so much time taking pictures of DD (then almost 4yo) that DS said, "What about me grandma, aren't I cute too?" Oh and for his 9th b-day- she brought presents for DD and none for DS. So we took him to the Lego store, had him pick out a few things and told her, "You're paying."

FIL has the same attitude- except towards DS. We spend much less time w/ FIL though as he's an active drunk- and a mean one at that.

Yes, they can predominately favor one gender over the other. But if they didn't favor all of your girls over the boys in the family I believe you are more likely to be right- it's b/c they are the kids of the favored daughter.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 8:40 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

for his 9th b-day- she brought presents for DD and none for DS

Do people not think? I imagine my parents think they're very fair because each grandchild gets the same exact amount in a check every Christmas and birthday (varies, but by age.)

I've never compared how they treated my daughters, to how they treat my sister's, because my girls were older (9 and 13) when we moved back. In retrospect, however, apart from the standard holidays and inviting them to 'go garage-saling' once or twice a summer, she hasn't made any real effort to spend time with them, either. They would come to school plays and concerts when we invited them, but I'm seeing we made those efforts.

W & I are both Onlies, so automatically the "favorites" of our assorted parents.

When we were in the beginning of the adoption process & hadn't been matched with a birthmother & baby yet, my MIL insisted on buying all kinds of little lacy dresses and expensive dolls from QVC. I kept asking her to just buy little sleepers or whatever in white, yellow, or green, as we had NO idea what sex the baby would be.

She got really nasty about that, telling W that I obviously DIDN'T want a little girl, blah blah. I was just trying to be practical. Why spend a bunch of money on girl stuff with only a 50-50 chance that the child will actually be a girl??

Match made, baby born: a boy (of course). To MIL's disappointment.

Next adoption, we tell her we are having a boy again. So she kept nagging us to "wait for another BIRACIAL baby (rather than a black baby), because BigDS (who is black/filipino) is so Light and Pretty." I swear I don't know how that woman is still breathing, both W & I were so close to throttling her so many times. She's just really so awful.

W keeps an eagle eye on her PITA-mom to make sure she doesn't show favoritism, and we limit the amount of time she has with the boys.

BabyDS (who is *not* biracial) has the most amazing million-watt smile, and absolutely oozes charm, so he certainly garners his share of the attention. He has that Star Quality, ya know?

MIL is horrible. I wish she lived a long way away. Like on another continent. Or planet. A little dose of her goes a looooong way.

FWIW, my parents are much older (77 and 81 this fall), and show no preference over either child, they adore both madly. They also never gave half a shit what color skin their grandsons had.

My parents are everything MIL is not. W prefers my folks dramatically, and calls them Mom and Dad. I'm glad the kids have sane grandparents on one side of the family!

It baffles me how people can want made-to-order babies. Thank goodness for one set of decent grandparents.

My mother and father's families both have histories of the parents and grandparents having favorites. This was known and followed for generations. It didn't break down by gender, but it was certainly the cause of much resentment and bad feelings toward parents and among siblings.

My mother liked girls better than boys, but was not blatant about it. My parents did not babysit unless there was an emergency. They enjoyed their grandchildren, they just did not want to be their care takers.

My xIL's... where to start. DD was their first born grandchild and they lavished her with everything...until X's sister had a child. My DD was only 3 but she noticed and was confused. X's sister was the preferred child and her kids became the preferred grandchildren. It was blatant.

In my opinion the only ones losing out in this situation is your parents!!

My in-laws lived 5 hours away from us, so my kids didn't see them every day...I made a special effort to go and spend holidays with them so they had time with their grandparents on that side (my parents lived here in town)....

My mother in law (still to this day) always played favorites with my sister in law's kids because they were there more often...

I looked at it this way..my parents more than made up for it with their visits, play time with the kids and huge, loving hearts....

My kids were loving and respectful with the in-laws and never seemed to notice...I hope that is the case with your kids....HUGS

My parents did not babysit unless there was an emergency. They enjoyed their grandchildren, they just did not want to be their care takers.

I always figured that's just the way my parents were, and I had no problem with it. I saw they spent a little time at least with the older kids (never my younger ones) and figured they just like older kids better. That's why it was so eye-opening to see their behavior with my sisters children from the time they were born.

In my opinion the only ones losing out in this situation is your parents!!

Yes. All the love they could have.