SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No one's actually said this, but I've half expected one of you to ask why I'm posting about my WW moving toward S/D here, given that I don't think she's actually having an affair right now. (Background is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=371604.) Simple answer is that the way WW justifies declaring our marriage over is eerily similar to the stuff she was spouting while in the fog during her EA last year.

Does that mean she's actually in an affair that I just don't know about? Maybe. Either that or she's got some serious emotional problems. My money's been on the latter, but who knows.

Then: ILYBINILWU (though not in those exact words; she called what she felt for me "companionate love")

Now: ILYBINILWU (though not in those exact words; calls me her "best friend")

Then: I'm finally in touch with my emotional side, which has been locked away since college/high school/when I was a child. It's OK to have feelings.

Now: Since last year, I've been in touch with my emotional side, which has been locked away since college/high school/when I was a child. I need to explore it.

Then: I can't trust you with my vulnerability. You told people about my [personal matter considered a deep, closely held secret -- which also helped kick off the EA]. You told your parents [about the EA]. You told my best friend from [where we used to live]. Every time I turn around, you're hurting me.

Now: I can't trust you with my vulnerability. You told people about my [personal matter considered a deep, closely held secret -- which also helped kick off the EA]. You told your parents [about the EA]. You told my best friend from [where we used to live]. You spied on me [during the EA], bugged my computer [during the EA] and read my therapy journal [during the EA]. I don't have room here to be alone with my thoughts; I think you'll spy on me again, because you won't promise never to do that again.

Then: (on the consequences of divorce for our young son) He'll adapt. My sister was 7 when my parents divorced, and it barely affected her.

Now: Oh, he'll need therapy. We'll get him therapy.

Then: I'm unhappy and have been for years.

Now: I'm unhappy and have been for years.

Then: I think we could be fairly happy together. It could be good. But we won't ever be really happy and experience the highest highs together.

Now: The last year has been pretty good, and we could have many more like that. But I'll always be aware of what I'm missing, because there's a limit to what we can share, and we'll never hit those highest highs.

Then: I can't open up to you at that deeper level.

Now: I'll never open up to you at that deeper level.

Then: You've had nine years to change. What you're doing now is too little, too late.

Now: You've had ten years to change.

Of course, there have been a few revisions to the script.

Then: You have a problem with anger. You should take an anger management class.

Now: You're cold and unemotional. Too logical.

Then: It's too late to fix what's wrong in the marriage.

Now: Everything you say (about working on and rebuilding the marriage) makes logical sense. But the feeling just isn't there for me.

Then: You're an uninvolved father.

Now: I'm really glad you took [a parenting class]. I think it's much better for [our son].

Then: I'm going to leave whether things work out with OM or not. Maybe I end up spending my life alone.

Now: A year ago my changes were driven by external events. This time it's all internal.

There are others I can't quite recall at the moment. I'll add them when and if they occur to me.

((survivorman))

I accept that all WS have some type of emotional or mental (logic) issues that cause them to become WS in the first place....but really?

What color is the sky in her world?

Is her emotional age about 15?

One wonders in what manner you respond to these statements.

Not that it would probably make any difference to her.

Sorry you have this to deal with. You must surely be one confused guy. My head would be spinning!

(((survivorman)))

Thanks for the hugs and support, redrock and milia. This morning, things got bad -- she was pissy about having been turned down for an apartment and took it out on me. So we had the big D conversation, worked out a general framework for custody and finances -- and through it all I was just seething. Had to bite my tongue a number of times to avoid saying something I might regret.

Think I've reached the anger phase :-).

She is blameshifting and setting you up to be the bad guy, at least in her script. Hang tight - I don't know that she'll ever see reality, but you don't have to buy in to her fantasy.

(((survivorman)))

NRN: Yeah, I'm pretty resistant to her fantasy. I've engaged it on her terms for the sake of learning more about what she's going through, but my antenna were up the moment she started spouting wayward-speak again about a month ago. We were on our way back from a vacation with my parents and brother/SIL, and in the course of an otherwise innocuous conversation about my family she got all cold and said, "They know too much about me."

This was an obvious reference to the fact that I'd told them about her EA with the xBF and this personal matter of hers that helped make it possible. And I was just suddenly furious with her; it had been a year since she'd said anything of the sort. Yes, vacations with in-laws can be stressful, and even more so when everyone knows you were straying a year ago, but to the best of my knowledge my family was nothing but gracious, warm and welcoming to WW. And then she comes out with this? Fucking hell.

Obviously, it's just gotten worse since then.

IMO, she sounds like someone who is blaming YOU for all her problems, but now that she has some therapy under her belt can say it more 'eloquently'. She is basically saying the exact same things over and over.

She is still not owning it, just trying to say that she has deeper problems and needs to explore herself. Uh no...she needs to work on herself and her marriage by starting with taking full responsibility for what she has done.

Coming up with fancier excuses is just more gaslighting and blameshifting.

Sorry you are working on D now, but you are right. You cannot be with her when she is like this; it isn't healthy.

BP: You're absolutely right, and yesterday morning was like a switch flipped for me. I can't live like this, and there are worse things than divorce.

I have certainly noticed that she's saying the same things over and over....

Something about that conversation yesterday sort of broke something loose in me. I'm really tired of being the only one who's trying to save the marriage and who's willing to sacrifice and suffer for the greater good, only to get hit with the anger, self-justification and blame she's been throwing at me.

In other words, I'm a whole lot closer to being Done myself at this point. It doesn't mean closing doors permanently, but if this is what she wants, I'm ready to let her really feel the consequences of it -- even if it means filing on her, which is something I never thought I'd be willing to do.

I did strike a blow for self-awareness yesterday. WW and I are both seeing therapists at our HMO, and WW came back from her appointment all fired up to move out. This made me think that maybe she hasn't bothered to tell her therapist about, say, her bout with delusional paranoia last year. So I mentioned it to my IC, and asked him if the opportunity came up during case review to perhaps mention it to WW's IC. Because I am worried about her, and because this may be her only chance to get evaluated for what could be a serious problem -- and, of course, because I'm concerned about the well-being of our son. My good deed for the day :-).