SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So you all know that I'm with a contolling, insecure, extremely jealous guy that I think wants to change and has been seeking help to....

But....lately he has been back to his old suspicious, accusatory ways.

He has a big problem with any male friends of mine, no matter if I dated them or it was platonic.

He insisted I delete them from my phone. I did, all but 2. One, I work with, "the other", I did date a couple of years ago but we mutally agreed we'd be better as friends.

Well, "the other" called me tonight. He wants to know if I can do anything for him (get him a deal) and his girlfriend for this weekend at the resort I work at.

I feel sick because Mr. Jealosy will go completely ballistic if I tell him I had any contact with this guy.

I got so paranoid after I hung up with him that I immediately deleted the call from the incoming phone log.

WTF????! WTF is wrong with me??? I feel like I'm cheating with this totally innocent situation.

I don't want to tell him any of this.

OMG, I really feel like a WS!

Is this a test from the universe??

Am I a complete ass for even getting this discombobulated?? I can answer that....Yes.

I think I have a problem.

Kill me now...please?

(((Mari))) This situation sounds toxic and unhealthy for you. Read your post. If your friend were saying this about her boyfriend...what would you tell her? Tell that to yourself now.

Honestly, what is keeping you with this guy? Love? He is not showing you any love or respect. This is not a relationship, honey. You deserve better.

I think I have a problem.

You do have a problem. You're being emotionally abused by this man.

from http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.

Please get help before this escalates any further.

I think you know where the problem is.

The problem is that you WH has no idea about boundaries, and you understand boundaries.

He is projecting his morals onto you.

Set him straight right now, or live with him acting like this for the rest of your time together.

My WXH was the same way. He wanted to reconcile, but wanted me to change my cell number, delete my FB account, stop seeing all of my very supportive male AND female friends, and stop communicating with my family.

He is now my WXH. I needed to have a life that didn't revolve around him completely.

You are all right.

I know this...but what is it going to take for me to regain myself?

I'm going to tell him tomorrow and depending upon how he reacts.......will determine the outcome of this relationship.

Why do I feel so weak? I know if I heard this from one of my friends I would think she was crazy!

I'm with a controlling, insecure, extremely jealous guy

***************************************

Sorry, but I couldn't get past these words. Very dangerous, these ones.

You have two options: stay and expect it to ramp up to the point where you're a prisoner.

or

Move on.

I think he's going to blow his top one way or another.

Do you really want this in your life?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:47 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I don't think his response to your telling him about this innocuous conversation is relevant to the future of your relationship. Mari - you call him Mr. Jealousy!! Nerf 2x4 here - you need to evaluate what you are getting out of this relationship. From the sounds of it and from your description, you are getting a controlling, emotionally abusive partner who is undermining YOU, your wellbeing.

Run. End it. Don't bother talking about the conversation with your friend. Get yourself a deal at the resort where you work and detach from this emotional vampire.

(((Mari)))

[This message edited by bpositive at 9:48 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I'm going to tell him tomorrow and depending upon how he reacts.......will determine the outcome of this relationship.

Mari, YOU have the power to determine the outcome. YOU. No one else.

Don't give away your power. No man is worth that price. Ever.

Get out now. He is not. going. to. change.

I know. I've lived this movie. The ending is always the same.

(((mariusa)))

[This message edited by TryingToBreathe at 10:04 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I usually lurk in the wings, reading and learning from others. I had to reply to this one. Please get Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is about abusive, controlling people. While reading it, do not tell yourself your guy is not like this. HE IS LIKE THIS! Exactly like this! And he will only get worse. TryingToBreathe knows what she is talking about, and so do I. THEY NEVER CHANGE, EVER. Unless it is for the worse.Why should they change,there is so much reward for their bad behavior. Look what it is doing to you. You are starting to doubt yourself. You are now uncomfortable taking a phone call from a friend, as if you had done something wrong (guilt). And forgive me, but it sounds as if you might be starting to fear him. What is your guy getting from this? Well for starters he gets you all to himself, so you can focus on him and his needs, solely , 24/7. Your self doubt will ensure that you never leave him. Your fear will ensure that you will do whatever he wants.

I think you realize something is very wrong with this situation, otherwise you would not have posted about it. Please reread your first paragraph. "I think he wants to change". No mam, he does not want to change. What would be the benefit to him if he did change?

I'm going to tell him tomorrow and depending upon how he reacts.......will determine the outcome of this relationship.

mari, that quote says so much! It isn't up to him, it's up to you. He's already shown you his behavior, but more importantly, look at how YOU are feeling already? You are defensive and insecure and questioning yourself. You are feeling like crap. Hun, you've done nothing wrong, but you are feeling terrible.

This is on you - and the only way it changes for you is for you to walk away from this relationship.

I know that isn't easy, but you know this relationship isn't good for you. You are worth so much more than this.

(((mari)))

How is it going today?

I actually don't know the details of your sitch/relationship- I took a long break from SI a few months back and that must've been when it all ensued.

However, a couple of thoughts:

Regardless of his jealous/controlling behavior, it is OK for him to set boundaries that he wants in a relationship. In this case, he doesn't want you to have ocntact with exes or friends of the opposite sex. The question isn't whether this is fair or not, it is what it is. The question is can YOU live with those boundaries he has set? If not, you need to end it.

This is irregardless of his other behavior, which not knowing any of the details, does sound scary.

It's healthy to set boundaries in a relationship. He has set his, now you have to set yours. What are you willing to live with?

(((more hugs)))

((((mariusa)))

I hope you're safe. Please take care of yourself. This guy doesn't sound safe.

Let us know you're OK. I'm worried about you.

I'm OK. I didn't bring anything up tonight.

He is going through a custody battle and is stressed.

No excuse for the way he acts with me, I know.

It is always something though. I realize that too.

I really appriciate this place and all your thoughts.

It helps me to confirm that I'm not nuts.

He is emotionally abusive to me with his jealousy.

As my IC has pointed out I am not one to act or let go until I am forced to.

Same with my house....can't let it go...until it sucks most of my money away.

Is he dangerous? I don't know. He says he would never physically hurt a woman.......

Even if he never physically hurts you, I know the pain of emotional abuse. Make no mistake, the wounds are real and very painful. Don't minimize his controlling behavior as "just" emotional.

Please think hard about why you stay. Are you afraid that you will end up alone? That this is the best you'll get? That it's really not as bad as you think or as you've been telling us? Are you scared of his reaction? I ask these questions because these were a lot of the reasons I stayed with my now ex-husband years beyond...well, I just shouldn't have married him in the first place. I am afraid for you that you will do what I did and marry the man because of fear of the alternative - for innumerable reasons.

You are worthy of more and better. Yes, it is a risk to end a relationship. But for me, I had to get to the point that I decided I would rather be alone and have my self-respect than be "with" him and doubt myself, torment myself and allow him to facilitate both of those things. I don't think that I will be alone forever - right now I feel too damaged for a relationship, so I am alone by choice. But even when I do put my heart back out there, I don't think I will be alone. But really, even if I am, I far prefer it to being with him.

I have made so many poor choices in the last few years (and before). There are so many things that I would do differently if I could. But - and I feel like SUCH a bitch for saying this - the ONE thing I feel I got right this year was ending my marriage. I feel obliterated but I feel FREE.

Please, take a hard look at why you are choosing to stay. Try your very best not to let fear steal time from you. He had a tough day today, but if you are anything like me - today will be a tough day, tomorrow things will seem to be so much better, the next day he'll have bad news from his family and it will never ever seem like the right time to end the relationship. You can literally go years waiting for the "right time."

Slight t/j - thanks alittlelessnaive for the book recommendation. On reading your response I immediately bought the book for my Kindle. And finally pulled the trigger to buy "Codependent No More" as well - I've been thinking about that one for a long time. I may not be married to my ex anymore, but he still plays a huge role in my life because of our children and the emotional abuse is still alive and well (?...erm...sick?) in our interactions.

Thanks you Groundzero.

I need to hear these things. I watched my mother be verbally abused by my father my whole life.

As my therapist says, it's what I'm used to and what's comfortable. As irrational as that sounds, it seems that what we are driven to.

I always said I would never be in a relationship like that and thought my ex was so different. He wasn't verbally abusive but turned out to be a real POS anyway.

What am I afraid of? I will give that a lot of thought. Afraid of being alone....that's part of it. There are other reasons.....all my issues I have to get over.

I see that this will never get better with him. It is always something going wrong in his life. So much freaking drama! I am seeing the way he treats his ex's. He is a bully.

I have to get up the courage to end this.

It is very hard for me.

(((mariusa)))

I know it's not easy. It is terrifying and confusing and painful. You have the strength to do what you need to do, even if you don't always believe it. Please post when you need support.