Tomorrow, a new life starts for my FBS and me. Our R is going beautifully....and yet, she is moving 4 hrs away from me! How fucked up does that sound, right? 
Our daughter is going to attend a full-time, pre-professional ballet school in Carlisles, PA (about 4 hrs from where we live...3 1/2 hrs with my foot on the pedal 
!!) and my FBS is taking her, and our youngest son to live down there while I remain in our hometown in our house with our two oldest, a junior and senior in HS. Of course, we live in a small town, and the rumors are already flying...She is living me because I had an A, she is getting a D, and she is moving to Pittsburgh, blah blah blah... Hmm... if we are getting divorced, we are awfully "friendly"!! 
I could not love her more, and be committed to our M any more if I tried!! I feel our love through every fiber of my being. I am far from the perfect spouse though, and that is given considering I am posting on this section of SI. I had an A...I fucked up. But oh, has this been a learning experience for me.. I have learned so much about how fucked up I am, it has been so...awesome and refreshing. I have looked at myself, and tried to find out how I got to the point where I thought it was OK to step out on my M. In the end, it's not that I didn't think, because that would be easy, wouldn't it, I did think, and I made a choice. I decided to be selfish. Of course, since then, I have identified what led me to be so selfish. I made a series of choices, and many of them seemed innocent at the time. Well, they weren't. The porn, the flirting, the checking out other women (cause, that's what guys do, right?... 
), they all seemed...OK. Oh man, they SO weren't!! I am so fortunate I know that now.
While I have not been diagnosed as a sex addict, I am treating myself as one...just in case! As my FBS says, if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, well....
I used to be so consumed with porn, I never realized how it started to rule my life, and affect so many of my choices...key word: choice. No matter what, they were all choices. I do realize, however, that when you get your feet so deep in the shit, it's hard to backtrack. I've discussed this with my FBS and IC because it sounded like a cop out. I mean, when it's a choice, it's a choice, right? But I have come to realize that it's not so simple.
I now see many aspects of life as a series of doors being presented to me. Each set of door I cross brings me to another level, if you will. So, a girl makes a "trivial", flirtatious statement, such as... "well your wife is lucky to have you, I would love if my husband/boyfriend did that"... OK, that's a door that just opened. The person saying the statement may not even be aware that they just opened a door for you, and that's another matter altogether, but they did. So, there is that first choice, what do you do with that? If we find the other person unattractive, well, it's a non-issue, right?... typically. Then again, is the fact that we are bringing attractiveness in the mix another door that was opened before anything was even said? Well, sometimes, we end up conversing with people we find physically attractive, no? I mean, if a stunning woman/man comes to wait on your table, are you going to be all tweaked up and act all weird? Probably not. I think you can acknowledge that someone is good looking without letting your mind take over, and before you know it, you've got them undressed, and....
It's what you do with your mind. So maybe that's door #1. Well, actually, it's not a maybe, it is door #1.
So the flirtatious behavior is door #2. You can either ignore the open door, and walk away, change the subject, etc., or you walk through it. That, right there, was a choice. Can you suddenly realize at this point that you are treading on thin ice, and backtrack? Maybe. I say maybe, because by opening door #1, you've already fucked up. When you go through door #2, OK, you actually haven't engaged in a EA or PA (yet!!), but your mind has already gone to town. The person talked to you, you checked them out, and yes, you found them attractive, and God forbid, you imagined what they might look like without clothes on. That's pathetic, I did that many times, and yes, that is definitely opening a door, crossing the threshold, and slamming the door closed and saying "bring it on"!
My point is that when we are presented with those open doors, we make a choice to go through them. There is no such thing as "it just happened", " I was drunk", "We're just friends".... That's all a bunch of bull. All of it is a series of open doors, or if you prefer, choices being brought to us. The woman/man is right there, she/he's flirting with you...what do you do? I tell you what you do, you might be flattered, that's OK, but you don't engage, you see it for what it is...quacks like a duck... you just walk away. Because what that person wants is to put out some sort of fire that is engulfing their life, and you are just the solution... They want a fix, and guess what, you're there, and you'll do! That's it! You'll do. through that door, then things get more complicated. Why? Because you have issues... a fire of your own, and you think you need to put it out. Why do you think you have a fire? Because you walked through that first door. It seems so simple to me..... And I just didn't get it before. I cheated, I lied, got caught, admitted some, and TTed...But I've grown through it all, and I get it now. Now, there are no secrets. If I have the slightest slip, like replaying a scene on a movie when the girl sits on a copier, spreads her legs for the guy to see, which to me was getting some sort of hit (soft porn, completely ridiculous in the end...) ... I made the decision to do it, I was selfish...but I couldn't hide it... I had to come clean. After the get together in Buffalo, when I met so many wonderful and brave people, whom I know had bared their soul raw, I knew I couldn't just sweep that shit under the rug, and simply move on... I didn't.
So now, I'm a FWS, barely a year after DDay, and the love of my life is going to be over 200 miles away. Seems nuts, right? To me, though, it's all about the love of my life and I doing the right thing for our daughter. She wants to be a pro dancer, and she has a chance to go to one of the best dance schools in the country. As loving parents, what do we do? Oh sorry peanut, your dad is an asshole cheater, and there's no way in hell I'm leaving him an inch out of my sight! Is that the right answer? You might think it would be after I broke my FBS's heart, but it is not. I am in love. I am committed. I see the doors.
This will obviously be a test for me. The demons will come calling, there is no doubt. They always do, no matter the circumstance. I say, let them come. I'm ready. I'm prepared. I have true love in my heart, the love of my FBS, the support of my IC and friends, and finally, the support of my friends on SI. I say, Play Ball! Let the demons try and mess with what we have, and let them be crushed!
