SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out this past Friday that my wife of 13 years has had an emotional and physical affair with a coworker. The thing is, she told me she wanted a divorce months ago. Our financial situation dictates that we wait for a while. I feel like I don't have a right to be upset and hurt, but this revelation has laid me waste.

She's never been able to look at me when we made love, but she could look at him. Written, it seems like such a small thing, but I think that's the worst part right now.

We have a two-year-old daughter, so I'm trying to keep it together around her, but I'm not doing a very good job.

I have no idea what to do, how to work past this. My wife has no interest in reconciling, but she has ended the affair and says she's sorry she hurt me. She didn't think, given the situation (our tentative agreement to divorce), that it would bother me this much.

Between her affair and my certain knowledge that I played a part in the breakdown of our marriage, I can't see much light at the end of this tunnel.

Brother, you are fully responsible for half of the troubles in your marriage. They are your burden to bear.

Having an affair is a different thing entirely. That is 100% on her regardless of the situation. Infidelity is a breach of trust on such a deep level. It speaks volumes about the character of the individual who commits it. But the effect on the betrayed spouse is devastating.

Welcome to the group. I hate to see you here, but welcome nonetheless.

You feel upset. You have the right to feel upset.

You feel hurt. You have the right to feel hurt.

She made a choice. She had many choices before her...she could have honored her vows to her M.

There is NEVER a good reason to have an A. The option to leave is ALWAYS available. She chose to have an A because she was selfish. She is broken.

Perhaps your marriage wasn't perfect. Maybe it had problems.

None of this justifies an Affair. IT is not your fault. NO matter what condition your M was in...she had choices that did not include betrayal.

Yet she chose betrayal.

This is something she must discover through her own personal growth, and she will need the help of a therapist who has experience with infidelity.

The "breakdown" of your marriage is yet one of many excuses a wayward makes to justify an affair.

I am so sorry you have to experience the hell we have all felt. But our collective experience can help make your difficult journey a bit more manageable.

rain...

Welcome to SI....

I would like to direct you to the "healing Library"...it is in the yellow box on the left side of this screen...please look at it...

Do you know who the OM (other man) is???

And is he married???

Yor wife is not a good source of this information...

Never forget this cheating on your wifes' part is NOT your fault...

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

Yes, I know who the other man is.

Yes, he is married.

My wife may not be a great source for information, but she says she wants to be honest with me. I'd rather she'd been faithful. I guess the Stones said it: you can't always get what you want.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

We all sure know what you are going through if that helps at all. It sure helps me.

The other thing is, tho you were planning a divorce in the future, you deserved the right to go through that process on an even slate, and go through the emotions and separation and pain that goes along with it.

Its not over til it's over, and it certainly wasn't over when your BW decided to have an Extramarital affair. Very selfish indeed. You have every right to feel the way you do. Keep reading posts, read the healing library, and let us all know what you are feeling when you are up to it, and all are here to help.

Hugs

I'm so sorry for your pain.

We all sure know what you are going through if that helps at all. It sure helps me.

The other thing is, tho you were planning a divorce in the future, you deserved the right to go through that process on an even slate, and go through the emotions and separation and pain that goes along with it.

Its not over til it's over, and it certainly wasn't over when your BW decided to have an Extramarital affair. Very selfish indeed. You have every right to feel the way you do. Keep reading posts, read the healing library, and let us all know what you are feeling when you are up to it, all are here to help.

Hugs

Hi ruins. I'm sorry you're here, and I'm sorry you're hurting. The good thing is you've found an amazing place for support. You are going to survive this

I'm going to make a guess that her affair started before she told you she wanted a divorce. His attention took her mind off of you and your marriage.

Between her affair and my certain knowledge that I played a part in the breakdown of our marriage, I can't see much light at the end of this tunnel.

You did not cause her to cheat. She made that decision on her own. You may not have been a perfect husband, but I'd bet that she wasn't a perfect wife either. If the marriage was so bad, why did only one of you cheat?

She's never been able to look at me when we made love, but she could look at him.

She said this to hurt you. Who knows if it's true or not. Look at what she's saying though. She can look at a man who will cheat on his own wife and family with married woman who is also a mother. He is willing to break up two families for his own happiness. What does that say about him?

You;ll get this drilled into your head. Tell his wife. She deserves to know what her husband is doing. He is risking her life by sleeping with other women. Your WW may be one of 15 that he's having sex with. Tell his wife.

Hang in there. I know it looks bleak now, but it will get better

Just an update and an opportunity to respond to a couple of things.

Thanks to everyone who's responded.

wifehad5: Proof of whether wife is being truthful is and will likely remain in short supply. The OM is in law enforcement and has been extremely careful to cover his tracks. No email, text messages or phone calls. His wife is apparently suspicious. Go figure.

Still, the details I have, including timing, places and other things that make me furious, lead me to believe she's telling the truth. BTW, the details have stayed the same twice now.

We've had a couple long conversations about this and other assorted crap in our marriage. Tuesday I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. I have no idea what that means. She also told me she considers me her best friend.

And while we're on the topic of confusing the issue (or maybe just confusing me): I mentioned in the first post that she has no interest in reconciling. I asked last night whether that was still true; her response was "I don't know." We haven't discussed it in quite a while, but she was talking about division of property and custody arrangements not two weeks ago.

My head is spinning like a top.

[This message edited by ruinsandashes at 1:32 PM, September 9th (Thursday)]

Take your hands and hold your head still. You have to get strong, because it seems to me that she's got the upper hand right now. She's playing you while she waits on the OM. Call the OM's wife...then your WW's head will be spinning.

So sorry, Ruins. You've found a great support group here. You will get through, but please remember, her A is not your fault... after I found out about my WH A's, I kept questioning what I did wrong... through IC/MC and postings on this site, I know 1000%, that his A was not my doing.

"love you but not IN love w. you" is standard WS boilerplate. It's the limerance talking--a pithy sloganesque rationale for hurting you even though you're such a nice guy.

I'm with wifehad5: the dalliance (or at least the mutual attraction) began before--and was the proximate cause of--the divorce talk.

I gotta admit, something about this guy being "in law enforcement" makes me see red on a personal level. Somehow it just makes the whole rotten business that much more nauseating. I'd really like to see you nail his ass to the wall. If he's covering his tracks, he probably coached your W on doing the same, so I wouldn't be quick to assume you have the full story, or even that the A is indeed over. She may just be admitting only to what she knows you can prove or reasonably suspect, while hanging on to the "we were going to D anyway, so it's no big deal" excuse.

You have nothing to lose by going full-bore investigative and joining forces with OMW. By comparing notes, the two of you together may shed far more light on what happened than either of you could do on your own. Talk to her!

Finally, I really hate to bring this up, but as no one else has mentioned it: pregnancy and STD testing is surely in order here...

Hi ruinsandashes. You story sounds a bit like my one.

Read my thread "another guy who got dropped the bomb". From my messed up experience in dealing with this, read the info about 180 in the Healing Library. She is having her cake and eating it the same as my wife.

I´ve got so far down the road that I have to follow it to the end (next week), but you sound like you are in the early stages.

Wife in Norway, called kids this morning, spoke to me (friendly texts/calls since she left yesterday), problem at work (non-A related), I advised her what to do. "Thanks, you are so clear on these things, you are my Best Friend". Made no comment. Sounds familiar? Your D is 2, better to split now than when she is older.

Your WW needs to get her head together, move out for a bit. Wish I had pushed this back in April when there was a window of hope.

Every situation is different, but listen to advice here, these people make sense.

Forgot to say, agree with everyone - tell the OM´s wife and compare notes.

1. I'd bet money she was in the A first-or in contact-or at least trolling when she said she wants a D

2. Tell the OMW NOW!

Silencio: I can't prove any of this. She told me a couple months ago that she'd been talking with someone at work and that the talk had gone further than it should have. What I didn't know was the extent of the relationship. Everything I know about it has come from her. I know that she was attracted to the guy before the divorce talk started (she's always been very open about who she finds attractive), but she (still) contends that he didn't actively pursue her until after we'd begun to discuss divorcing.

I'm reluctant to tell his wife for a couple of reasons. First, I gave my wife my word that I wouldn't (before I was on here and realized that might not be a great idea), my therapist is not of the opinion that it would help me and my impression of the OM has changed somewhat in the last few days.

Let me clarify. When I first found out, I was prepared to believe that he was a decent guy who'd made a mistake. While I also know impressions can be wrong, my general impression of him wasn't that he was some kind of villain. The more she's told me, the more I get the feeling that he's done a major snow job on her. Some of the things he's said sound like ready-made lines to separate a woman from her panties. I couldn't believe she bought them. In any case, it's given me cause to reevaluate my assessment of the guy's basic nature, and I really don't need a pissed off sheriff's deputy in my life, and the sheriff's dept. here doesn't exactly have a sterling reputation. I've heard stories of harassment by dept. personnel because they felt one of their own had been wronged somehow. Don't need that.

ozzy344: Read your thread. Damn. How does this get so complicated? If we had the means to live separately, we would. Unfortunately, we haven't always made good decisions with our money, and now we're paying the piper. We won't be in a position to maintain two residences until next summer at the earliest, so either of us moving out isn't an option. In my mind, that means we either need to commit to trying working things out or we need to commit to divorcing when the finances allow.

Best friends: why wouldn't you want to stay with your best friend? Wouldn't you do just about anything to make that relationship work? That's another one I don't understand.

She has an appointment with a counselor today. We'll see what comes out of that, but I'm sure there'll be more excruciating conversation tonight.

I can't prove any of this. She told me a couple months ago that she'd been talking with someone at work and that the talk had gone further than it should have.

That's all the proof you need. That's what they call an Emotional Affair.

ALL of this stems from her EA and most likely PA.

In my opinion, this situation isn't what she's selling you - an affair borne out of a marriage failing and pending D. She's minimizing her actions.

The D talk came from her interest in the OM or men.

Yes, she is minimizing. She's trying, I think, to lessen her blame/guilt. She didn't plan on something happening; the OM said things she needed to hear; etc., etc. Not much I can do about that other than try not to get obviously angry when she does it. At least, that's all I can see. If anyone else has another idea, I'm all ears.

I guess what leads me to believe she's telling me the truth is that she didn't have to tell me anything. There was no danger that I was going to find out. And her story has been fairly graphic in detail. She volunteered this information. She confessed. Why do that if she's just going to lie? The circumstances of her revelation also play into my belief. Before Friday, we hadn't had sex in about six months. Friday night, she wanted to. Afterwards, she broke down crying. Her telling me was the outcome of the explanation of why she cried.

We've also talked about the why behind it. She has some insecurities that came into play (and that the OM played on), and one of the problems in our marriage is that I haven't always been very good about helping her deal with those insecurities, and I think I should have. That'll go on my growing list of regrets with regard to my actions during our marriage.

I've been very clear with her that the fact that I wasn't always a great husband doesn't make the affair less her choice. I have insecurities too, but I didn't screw around.

She's also said that if this had happened a year ago (well before we ever talked about divorce) she never would have entertained the thought of cheating. I'd like to believe her, but--and I told her this--that's a fantasy. Reality is that it happened when it happened, and she made the choice she made. Saying she would have been faithful a year ago doesn't really matter now.