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Mistake (original poster member #29483) posted at 5:56 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
I don't have much to say. Just that. I have to get used to the ups and downs I caused. But tonight, I hate myself. I can't stand my love feeling the way he does.
He will be leaving for some time either Thursday or Friday...he got so angry he couldn't even talk. I could feel it. And I broke down.
Me: WW 29
Him: BS 31
Married: Going on four years. Been together six
D-day: 8/29/10
leftoolate ( member #22658) posted at 8:59 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
Great, huh. I'm mad at myself, too.
No wallowing allowed, though. But no rug sweeping either. Man, I really need to get a handle on constructive criticism.
Wishing you strength. And wishing me courage.
~L.
If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz
hopefulwife1985 ( member #29216) posted at 12:44 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010
Well, he's not gone yet.
These next couple of days are your opportunity to show him the new you. Strong, committed, empathic, compassionate, considerate, affirming, transparent, caring you.
What is your plan to show him that?
Dress well, put on makeup, introduce that new person to him at every conceivable opportunity, and make sure you have done everything in your power such that the the vision of you he takes away is one that he wants to return to.
There's nothing wrong with breaking down as long as you get back up.
Sunshine2010 ( new member #29422) posted at 7:17 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2010
I know how it is to feel self hate for what you have done!.....I often get sooooo very angry at myself and frustrated that i can not fix this now!......i know that it is going to take time and patience and honesty......but i just want to fix it.....now!.....but i know i cant!
I have brokn down a few times purely because i just cant hold myself to gether any longer........but i do get back up and try to be strong.
UnexpectedSong ( member #21761) posted at 2:49 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2010
Ride out that self hate. It's the only way to get through.
WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
stopsayingtry ( member #27429) posted at 4:02 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2010
No words of wisdom here, just wanted to say I've been there. I try to keep telling myself that when my BS is in pain, my thoughts should not be about how I feel about the pain I caused, but rather how my BS feels right now, and what I can do to help her through that pain.
Admittedly, that is easier to write down here than to do, in practice, when you feel overwhelmed and just want to tear your hair out and sink into the floor 
MESSIMADE ( member #28366) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2010
I don't have any words of wisdom here. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am pretty much numb to any feelings right now except the self hate I have for myself for what I have done to my entire world that used to be a good life. The hate only seems to be getting worse as I draw closer to her filing for D. I feel as if I need to be punished for my past behavior, but what would be the adequate punishment??? I don't know either. Probably the D, but that not only punishes me, but the kids, her and family also.
Didn't mean to t/j, and I kinda whined, but wanted you to know you are not alone.
Me FWH-36
Her BW/Love of my Life-32
Children-Son 4 and Son 1
DDay1 3/9/09 EA
DDay2 2/25/10 SPa w/same XOw
Divorced 4/4/11
Missing her and us more everyday
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