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Hi everyone. Doing a lot of thinking this week. Have had a rough week to say the least.

I realize after a year and a half of trying to R I am SO burnt out. Mostly due to slow progress and being trickle truthed to death!

I am realizing the reason I feel this way now is because I didn't take care of me. I feel like I have and still do just simmer/spin my wheels in the same ole pain and just exist.

I still do have days where I obsess. I think its a problem now? Anyone else experience this? Its like I can't move over that hump of fear of constant worry it will happen again. Its like I feel like the minute I breath and sit back, BAM it will happen again. Its almost like in my mind at times I feel like if I keep the pain current and worry about it, it won't hurt so bad if he does it again. This has totally just threw my whole function system off!!

I feel stalled out. At times almost indifferent. I realize how much the betrayal and lies have changed me. I also find myself just not caring if he cheats. That is not good for R I know.

I tried lexapro and felt better. But I mostly tried it because I was dealing with postpartum depression after I had my baby. I stopped the lexapro because it made my hair fall out.

So my question is what helped you after some time? How do you move forward? How do you take care of you besides the basics? How do you push through and not get stalled out? Maybe I am in a depression since I seem unable to move myself? I just am not sure.

The things I have decided to do today is to stop obsessing. Verify but no more staying up late worrying to death and searching for more deception. I am literally at my point where I can not handle it. I actually just posted about this in another thread earlier.

Start putting money away in my separate bank account that he does know about, but it makes me feel more secure.

And to try to focus more on my physical health.

So tips/advice? I have to do something! I feel like a broken record. Even here I feel like I always post the same posts of being stuck! I feel like a car that has a dead battery! I need a jump start! I am just not making that mental connection of moving forward and bettering myself. How do you do it? Any books to recommend?

[This message edited by Hurting27 at 2:08 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

I don't know the answers - I just wanted you to know that you are heard and give you ((hugs)). Are you in IC? That's helping me right now. Can you take time for you? Shopping for something nice to wear, a pedicure maybe? You deserve a break.

I just wanted to let you know I am right there with you..

Hoping it will get better...

I have read somewhere that the suffering from this sort of pain can be addictive.

It becomes a safer place for some of us, which sort of makes sense.

We can get stuck there.

The only option is to choose freedom...not from the marriage itself but...from the suffering.

I'm not saying I know how to do that...just saying...

Also, you could still be in need of anti-d's.

I had the same experience with Lexapro. Don't mess with the hair!!!

It took me three trys on different ones to find one that worked well, without awful side effects.

Everyone is wired differently so maybe you need to get with dr. to try another one.

That has surely got to be better than the stress and suffering you are currently experiencing?

Good luck to you Hurting and keep posting to let us know how you are faring.

(((Hurting)))

I'm riding this train, myself. I'm starting to think I'm one of those people who just can't move past it.

What a process this is. It seems to be such a roller coaster.

My FWS is doing everything right, total transparency, full remorse, and just yesterday from out of nowhere i told him that suddenly, i go into a panic mode and fear that this will happen again, and I find myself right back in the obsession state of mind. So, i try to trust but verify, and I'm usually not to far from getting back on track again. It seems like one step backward, and one step forward back to this same place. Waiting for one step backward and 2 steps forward to see progress to long term healing of some sort. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Today, I feel sad and so want to feels safe again. I want to hear that he will never ever do this to me again. I need for him to look me in the eyes and reassure me.

I will ask him for exactly that today.

Hugs,

You are not alone.

Try baby steps....

Once you've got the physical stuff taken care of, do one thing each day that gives you happiness.

And it doesn't have to be huge.

sing along with the radio, loud!

Get the dishes done, and pat your self on the back for doing it.

Re-read a favorite book.

Wear your favorite/good undies.

And celebrate the small victories. Each and every one.

Whatever stage we're in - we're healing ourself.

Step back, and watch a child - the younger the better.

Children take incredible joy & pride in every accomplishment - big and small. We need to learn from them.

As GWADW diagnosed her father - "We can't give him happy, he has to find it inside himself"

All of us had our "Happy" once, it's still there. It's under a pile of grown up baggage; but it's still there. We have to let it come back out.

and it will!

We can't force it, but we can look for it in everything we do.

Once we beginn finding our "lost happy" it becomes a snowball. It just gets bigger.

I get knocked down, I get blue.

Then I have a stern talk with me, and start the baby steps again....

I'm sure the Victory Dance after scrubbing the tub looks odd to the outsider, but for me, it puts my feet on back on the path to me.

Thank you for all the replies.

I do need to start taking steps in the right direction.

I am worried about the obsessing and constant worry.

I do think it is addictive. It does feel like my brain can't function properly.

I will also look in to antidepressants. I feel like I shouldn't be this stuck this far out. I feel like I have made no progress for myself in a year and a half. It scares me.

I'm closing in on 3 months, so less time than you, but I have found exercise and time spent on things I enjoy doing really help. I pulled my guitar out of the closet and play more with my dogs. Things that make me happy. I went out with friends last weekend and will again this weekend. We are still in a place where ww is saying she thinks our M is over regardless of what I do, so I am being a good H and taking care of myself at the same time.

I have also made it a point to separate my emotions from hers. Just because she is miserable doesn't mean I have to be. This helps me be strong for me, and it helps us keep out of that spiral of any day one person is miserable, both end up miserable. Breaking the cycle I suppose.

It means sticking up for yourself and putting yourself first. You aren't responsible for others and you can't save them. And no one can help you either. You have to help yourself.

It can be little things like I made my kids do the dishes tonight. The ones they had all left for me to do.

A friend took her daughter to the doctors for an ongoing ingrown toenail problem. The girl has chosen to live at her fathers but it's her mum who ends up doing all the running around. Doctor said he could have operated on it today. Girl said 'no'. So the doctor gave up. Mum has said she's not doing any more. Daughter also comes over to use the internet. That's stopping.

If you don't look after yourself mentally and physically people will use you. Kids can be the worst offenders.

Make sure you take time out for exercise and try to eat healthy. Personally I don't want to end up with cancer one day because I was so busy taking care of everyone else.

When I go to the bookstore instead of reading all the relationship books - I read the self-help books - they are right next to each other on the shelf. My current book is about finding the life you want and focuses on creating a list of 100 things you want to achieve. It also talks about finding happiness. Currently I'm working on my list of 100 things that make me smile - it's actually quite fun and pulls my brain out of the mind movies. However I'm not ready to call it my list of 100 things that make me happy since I still feel a long way from being happy.

I've finally realized that I'm responsible for finding my own happy in myself. And I'm not going to look to FWH for my happiness anymore.