SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I play this game online and always talk to everyone I play with and have added many of them as friends on fb. So when one of them who I didn't have as a friend said he found me interesting to talk to and asked if he could add me I thought nothing of it. When he started telling me about his wife and her cheating on him I sympathized with him and told him about my H cheating on me. I even told him about this site so he could find other people he can feel comfortable talking to about it. Then today he starts talking about sex and out of nowhere told me he was addicted to me. I was flattered and for some reason I didn't have any red lights go off. Then he started saying that he would leave his wife to be with me if I left my husband. I actually thought about what that would be like. I feel like hell. How is that any better than my H cheating on me? I cannot believe I let it get that far! I have only been talking to this guy online for a few weeks. Never met him in person, never spoken to him on the phone and yet I feel as guilty as though I had slept with him. I literally feel sick about it...

Bluebear1985 - I cannot believe I let it get that far! I have only been talking to this guy online for a few weeks. Never met him in person, never spoken to him on the phone and yet I feel as guilty as though I had slept with him. I literally feel sick about it.

It’s called the slippery slope and your halfway down to having an EA at the worst and at the least, your engaging in inappropriate online behaviour for a married person. Wow. See how fast it sneaks up on you. Now you can see how easy it is to fall into this trap. Attention, validation, and a confidante that is willing to listen. Next thing you know, you’re a mad hatter and life gets a whole lot more complicated than it was the other day.

Some things to think about. Considering your husband’s online affair and his views on “cyber friendships” etc, could this be some subconscious acting out on your side? Are you trying to have a Revenge online affair? Was this just innocence or something much deeper?

Anyhow, as a BS, you know the drill. NC has to be created and maintained. Perhaps all of your online activities have to be curtailed until you get the urges out of your system. You should consider talking to your H about what just happened. It might be tough to confess but together, you should be able to deal with this and create new boundaries that you are both comfortable with. You have to dig deep and figure out the “why” behind your actions.

I wish you luck.

HUFI

Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair - Anon

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 6:17 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

When you asked why I did it, it definitely struck a chord.I've been triggering like hell lately and I told him he needs to go to IC to work out his issues or I'm gone. He's been making appointments for only once a month and cancelling them half the time. When someone finally starting paying attention to how I felt... you're right, have way down the slippery slope and I feel sick about it. I am so angry at myself!

[This message edited by Bluebear1985 at 9:43 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

This morning I was so worried he saw the conversation. I called him and it doesn't sound like he did so I feel marginally less sick about it, but the fact is I shouldn't be having conversations I don't want my husband to see anyway. When I told him that he needed to be completely transparent with me I told myself that I should set the example and do the same. I have had no secrets from him and now this... On the one hand I want to tell him. He has a right to know and then maybe we can work on the reasons why together. On the other hand my best friends are saying it was one conversation, I told him first thing this morning that a conversation like that cannot happen again and I felt like crap therefore I know it was wrong and I'm not likely to have it happen again. Even with what my H has put me through he deserves for me to tell him right?

On the other hand my best friends are saying it was one conversation, I told him first thing this morning that a conversation like that cannot happen again and I felt like crap therefore I know it was wrong and I'm not likely to have it happen again. Even with what my H has put me through he deserves for me to tell him right?

In my humble opinion yes. He does, but more importantly, you deserve to tell the truth *for your own sanity and mental health*.

If you lie and hide it, then it just takes you further down the slippery slope into an EA... and who knows what else. It's already gotten pretty far.

[T]oday he starts talking about sex and out of nowhere told me he was addicted to me. I was flattered and for some reason I didn't have any red lights go off. Then he started saying that he would leave his wife to be with me if I left my husband. I actually thought about what that would be like. I feel like hell.

It sounds like you are already somewhat addicted to this man's attentions and validation.

Take it from my experience, secrecy just makes the addiction more potent. And really, for most of us, it is a type of addiction.

So don't underestimate it! Don't think you can just handle it on your own and not hurt your husband by keeping it secret from him. Or that you can still "just be friends" and continue in contact with your online "friend".

These are the biggest lies we can tell ourselves. I'm sure your husband told himself similar things.

Anyway, good luck! I hope you talk to your husband soon!

P.S. BTW, friends and family often mean well with their advice, but if they haven't gone through it, they can sometimes/often give bad advice.

Bluebear - it happens, see the book "Not Just Friends" and you will recognize this scenario.

If you truly want R and don't want to have an EA then tell your husband now. And NC with the online guy.

*HUGS*

My BH, on the heels of our delayed DDay, confessed to me that he was sliding down that EA slope with a coworker. I was glad that he sees how things can get out of hand very quickly without any intent whatsoever. I was more intrigued that it highlighted exactly what 100% transparency means. He immediately went to her (with my agreement) and asked if he had done or said anything at all to make her uncomfortable. When she said "no", he realized how dangerous it really was. She is M too.

We're all human. Tell H what happened, and go NC with this game guy. It is an opportunity for you and H to bond together and face this infidelity monster head-on.

((Bluebear1985))

[This message edited by wwnomore at 12:48 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

It would be wise for you to tell your husband. You are standing on the greased edge of the slippery sope. You are already intrigued and captivated enough by this OM to allow him to talk to you in such a manner and not stop him.

During the first dark days of recovery you are feeling overwhelmed and unheard. You are vulnerable and very susceptible to an affair. You are already tip toeing on an emotional one.

First step to having an affair is keeping a secret that you know is detrimental to your marriage with the opposite sex.

Be wise and make the right decision.

It would be far too foolish to further destroy your marriage while it is on shaky supports confiding in an OM who clearly wants you for nothing but "fun".

Bluebear1985 -

The consistent advice you've gotten (tell your H, go NC, etc.) is spot on. I just want to point out one other thing:

Even with what my H has put me through

Wrong, wrong, wrong! We have choices, If we are not happy in our M, we can S or file for D. We can set up MC.

Starting an EA (the way you are here) is a choice. It is not forced on you, and you always have options. At the time of our A, most of us would have told you about the problems in our M and why they were the reason we chose to have an A. It would be no more acceptable for that than what you are stating here.

If your WH gives you what you need to R, then so be it. If not, then end the M before allowing relationships with other men to start up. Anything shy of that is wrong.

Bluebear...

You admitted in January that you kissed an old boyfriend of yours since you've been married (you said you wanted to feel the spark again).

So the combination of that and the fact that you're carrying on with some man online, seems that you have some serious boundary issues that you should examine.

BlueBear...

I have to agree with the other posters... immediately go NC with your online "friend." Unfriend and block him on Facebook... no explanations.

Be honest with your WH... It's a two way street.

And, I would add, if you aren't already, get into individual counseling (IC). You have boundary issues that can lead to future trouble! You cannot believe that you let this online thing get this far... it appears that you have boundary issues that leave you vulnerable to future problems.

Rdy

stop all contact immediatelay and tell your husband...anything less and youre no better than him IMHO

[This message edited by sotrulysorry at 9:10 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]

Then today he starts talking about sex and out of nowhere told me he was addicted to me. I was flattered and for some reason I didn't have any red lights go off. Then he started saying that he would leave his wife to be with me if I left my husband. I actually thought about what that would be like. I feel like hell. How is that any better than my H cheating on me? I cannot believe I let it get that far! I have only been talking to this guy online for a few weeks.

BE thankful that he was "impatient". Had he continued to talk to you for months and months instead of a few weeks prior to this... you might have easily been drawn in. The nature of your online discussions with him, even before it went to sex or to leaving his wife for you, were not safe discussion topics... in fact quite dangerous topics.

To understand how these relationships form and grow into affairs, I would recommend the book "Not Just Friends". To understand why you thought discussions about those topics and sex was ok, up until he talked about leaving his wife, you should probably be talking to an Individual Counselor who understand infidelity issues and family of origin (FOO)issues.

Good luck to you...

Rdy