SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am R with my FWH who 'gets it'- totally.

My concern is not really the here and now but the future.

To both BS AND WS's>> where someone has had an affair and then a few years later goes on to have another one can you answer the following:

After the 'first' A did you deal with it or rug sweep?

Was the WS remourseful/ transparent etc or not?

How did the BS act post the first A?

I found out last year my wife had been involved with 5-7 other men over the last 25 years (to varying degrees). It has taken me over a year to kind of get my head wrapped around everything I have been told. One question I have asked was how she could have continued if it wasn’t what she really wanted (according to her). She said after each time she was able to block it out of her mind, that it never really happened.

Next month will be our 35th wedding anniversary, she asked me about it the other night. I looked her straight in the eyes and said “That never really happened”.

My XH cheated on me while we were engaged. I almost called off the engagement but he convinced me not to. He agree to NC with the OW and we pretty much swept it under the rug from there. 5 years later he cheated again, different OW but same sort of pattern. (someone we were friends with)

My XH cheated with someone on AFF when I was pregnant with our 3rd child in 2001. I thought it was just an EA online and it was swept under the rug and I was blamed for lack of attention. I got pregnant again (not planned) and had a 4th baby in April of 2006.

He went on to cheat again in 2007 with a co worker. His first A came out as well and found out it was a PA as well. I at first tried to R, but he went back and forth, so I decided I was done. I don't think he was going to ever get it.

Turns out that there were more lack of boundary issues he had the entire time we were together. I found this out after the D.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 12:36 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

This is my second or third time if you count a EA 7 years ago. The first pa was over 20 years ago and it was rug sweep. I had 3 children under 4 including a newborn and I just could not deal with everything. I accepted his pleadind and It will never happen again, Im sorries.

Now I am not giving a inch every. I refuse to rug sweep.

The first time no remorse not transparent. And everything went back to business as usual.

This time everything is different. very remorseful transparent doing everything I ask.

Time will tell

My WXH had an A when we were dating - I was 17. It was swept under the rug.

Fast forward 20 years, another A. I tried to work on it, but we ultimately rug swept.

Another 2 years, another A with same MOW. Done sweeping.

We're now D.

It seems like many of us attempted to reconcile, without doing the hard work. I did too.

New baby, new house, recently deceased parent, new job, bills that were strangling us.....I let it go. We attended two MC sessions and it was a wrap.

He was not immediately remorseful and I didn't even know he was supposed to be! I was just so relieved to have it over. It was a mistake, wasn't

it? Well, that was the only explanation I was given and I was advised by the MC, family and friends, to LET.IT.GO.

I wish I had insisted on remorse, transparency and all of the other necessities for true reconciiation. With time, I thought he had returned to being the love of my life.

Instead, he became a great stealth cheater. I often feel that I would not be here today, if I had handled matters differently.

He had no consequences.

wow. so many good posts today...

My WW cheated on me when we were engaged. We were having trouble in our relationship and she turned to another man for what she needed, I guess. So, she apologized, we swept it, we got married.

Should have learned, I guess. She apparently didn't grow up much, 'cause she does the same things now.

She needs something from other men that apparently I can't give her--at times, I think it is just validation and affection from other men that makes her feel alive. I do my best, but it isn't good enough.

Now, she is apparently out of one A and into another.

She has learned nothing about herself and won't work on what needs to be done.

sooooo.... the concensus so far is that the A was rugswept?

I'm trying to not worry about the future but not there yet

First time around was rug swept, donno how you can have remorse with that. Transparency was just not considered.

At first she said all the right stuff about changing behaviors, etc etc but after a few weeks it was basically an off-limits topic. She also minimized what happened and I was unaware of the depth of it until recently - a ONS kind of thing actually a several months full affair kind of thing.

It was a very poisonous thing to let fester.

My WH first A was swept under the rug due to major health problems we were both having at the time. It was too much for me to deal with then and I told him it needed to end, and we never really talked about it more than that. Here we are 4 years later, in the same boat. I can't say he was remorseful after the first affair, because honestly if I don't bring it up, even now, it will never be discussed at all.

Truly a great thread! And probably my biggest fear in staying with my WS. How do they see the pain they have caused and ever think about going there again? Why can’t they just grow a pair and file for divorce if they need to go have sex with other people so badly? Why is that so hard? I don’t understand the DDs 2, 3, 4, 5, 10,000. How can they continue to do this to someone they claim to love? I get scared because I don’t think my WS is doing the dig deep work to ensure this will never happen again. I don’t know that he has it in him to truly be faithful. I know he’s sorry he hurt me but I’m not so sure he’s sorry he did it. We can still talk about the A but as more time goes on it’s seems like its definitely a topic he’s tired of talking about. Just so much of what I have read and learned here tells me he will A again and he’ll probably just get better about hiding it from me.

This is my biggest fear also. WH is doing everything he is suppose to for R and we are in IC/MC but I hate the not knowing. I have even thought about going to a psychic which is more proof that I have lost my mind. I guess that is just life. Nothing comes with a guarantee and we don't know what the future will bring. I am trying really hard to just take it day by day

This is the million dollar question every one of us WS suffer from....

Will it happen again?

If you all find the answer let me know.

1A 6/99

2A 12/06

The d-days anyhow.

After the 'first' A did you deal with it or rug sweep?

We swept that dead body under the rug so fast and deep I forgot what lump I was walking around sometime around the 18 month mark. When I was diagnosed with chronic depression, 1A didn't even occur to me as a contributing factor.

Was the WS remourseful/ transparent etc or not?

Well, he seemed remorseful and that's what scares me now. Some of the same phrases were used.

He wasn't truly remorseful because he kept lying about the PA part and didn't take any blame for the other issues in the M- or the A really for that matter.

Not transparent at all. I found out months later he had a secret email. According to him it was ok because it was for her whining and he pretty much ignored it.

How did the BS act post the first A?

I was a pathetic creature. Honestly, I'm so ashamed of who I was then. Truly pitiful. I didn't even have the guts to ask for NC even though that's what I needed so much. I didn't know it was allowed to tell your spouse to not talk to someone.

Yeah, when I think back to who I was, I disgust myself. Now, I stand up for myself more and I know what I should be seeing in a M and ask for it. I'm just still some of that weak girl-woman from before and have allowed myself to get stuck because of the 'better' when I know I should have great after all of this.

After the 'first' A did you deal with it or rug sweep?

Rug-swept, though I was manipulated to believe we'd confronted it and appropriately dealt with it.

Was the WS remorseful/ transparent etc or not?

Not remorseful, not transparent, not committed to change--nothing appropriate, really. He did some convincing acting, though. Ah, hindsight...

How did the BS act post the first A?

I thought I handled it well. I insisted on counseling, but ultimately was very forgiving--too forgiving, in retrospect. Too quick to let bygones be bygones, as requested of me. I so wanted to believe it was better. In retrospect, I really rug-swept. But I did not know even a fraction of what really transpired, and was lied to and gaslighted mercilessly.

I should add a disclaimer that my husband does not experience remorse or empathy--and that living with a personality-disordered spouse is an experience unlike any other; the yardstick by which to measure experiences is so very different. Of course, I didn't know it then---I would have left if I'd known that all I was seeing (even the good) was an act.