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June 21 would have been our 25 year anniversary - we are reconciling and things going ok - I am just mourning the celebration this landmark could have been if my husband would have remained faithful. I have been married 25 years - him, only 24...but then I think, weren't the first 22 3/4 years really just a lie if he could so easily throw them away by having an affair? I'm feeling kind of numb, at times so overwhelmed I crumble...I want him to do something BIG to prove to me how much our marriage means to him now and how grateful he is for this second chance - but don't want to have any expectations because I don't want the pain of disappointment - I doubt he'll do anything special...last year when it was our 1st anniversary after Dday, he did nothing - even though I had told him I needed him to WOW me....Is it even worth celebrating?

I want to just disappear for a month - or three.....I'm just so sad....

I wanted to send you some hugs, Littlelamb.

I've actually had this on my mind as well. Our 11th wedding anniversary is this coming Friday, June 17. It's the first anniversary since I discovered everything. I can't help NOT thinking about the two anniversaries we celebrated while he was having his PA, plus the other two years where he saw two prostitutes (meaning, it was just two times during that two year period).

Those anniversaries feel so fake to me now. So what are we really celebrating this year?

And I too really hope he steps up and shows me how much our anniversary means to him. I just don't want to be horribly disappointed.

We're doing really, really well right now, so I'm worried that this might be a setback for us.

LittleLamb - does your husband know how bad last year's anniversary was for you? Do you think he knows that he needs to step it up this year? As part of the R process, maybe this is a good time to reaffirm your commitment (BOTH of you, not just you) to trying to reconcile. In a way, it might just have to be a new anniversary of sorts. That's the way I've been trying to think of it.

I hope that the day is much better than you anticipate. I hope your husband recognizes the importance of it too. Hugs!

Lamb, June 21st hasn't happened yet. You have an opportunity here. My situation is similar to yours in that my wife and I have been married for 24 yrs now. I struggled with this very same issue.

Here's what I suggest. Your WS may still be broken and may not be able yet to step up and do the right things. So, maybe you could plan something special. You can choose to let the anniversary continue to be a negative experience or you can choose to take that day back and create a new memory to celebrate in the years to come.

A weekend trip out of town is just one suggestion. Tell your WS that this anniversary will be a positive experience and there will be no lashing out or negative feelings. What do you have to lose?

Just a suggestion.

So sorry littlelamb! I can relate. We would have celebrated 15 years in May, just one month after d-day. It was so hard. I said the exact same thing you said, "I have been married 15...you have only been married 14!" We decided to plan the day "by ear" depending on which side of the roller coaster I was on, but honestly, it was pretty awful. It was even more awful because no one knows (except our IC's and MC) so everyone was calling, wishing us congrats, etc. I had to fake big happy, enthusiastic smiles which I resented. I guess I don't have much advice, just hugs and support for you. But looking back on my anniversary, I think you should celebrate for yourself...that YOU were married for 25 years faithfully! Good for YOU!!

I agree, it would be so nice to just disappear for a bit. This is all so hard.

Hugs!

((little)))

I'm coming up on our 25th anniversary as well. Frankly, I am dreading it. Our 20th was 6 months after Dday and it was tough, he gave me a huge diamond ring, with very high expectations of what the day would be. I just cried. I don't think he got that I could be so upset.

I understand where you're coming from, I want him to do something wonderful, but on the other hand, I want nothing. The day really holds very little significance for me any more. Marriage, what marriage?

Yeah we have lasted 25 years, but it is all tainted, at least for me.

We have kind of limped along on our last few anniversaries as well, but our 20th in in July and we are going for it. We have 3 other couples going out with us in a limo to our favorite restaurant. Adn we are planning a weekend away to Victoria in October. We decided we have been to hell an back together, and that ought to be celebrated.

One thing our MC made us do early in recovery, was to perform a Grand Gesture to each other. It sounds like it is Grand Gesture time for you.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 4:08 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

you should celebrate for yourself...that YOU were married for 25 years faithfully!

Exactly. I may not have the marital wisdom to respond but here it goes. During my FWW 5 month A were the following milestones:

-5 year wedding anniversary

-DS first steps

-DS first birthday

-my first father's day

-my birthday just days after dday.

At first I looked at the anniversary as something I would no longer acknowledge, even during R. Afterall my W cheated before we even got married so in my mind it was all invalid. But I can't invalidate all my DS birthdays from now on, or fathers days, so I may as well allow some recognition and celebration of our wedding anniversary. I have come to the conclusion that until we renew our vows down the road, it will technically be our anniversary, but emotionally it will be a celebration of my own fidelity, and a celebration for my wife's sake, because I love her and don't want to see her hurt anymore than she is. She is already devestated from the massive fallout and remorse, Ill give her the dignity of an anniversary, and I will celebrate it as if the A never happened.

I grappled with the same thoughts for a long time and our 25th is coming up...

I remind myself that I was married in the church and there were three of us united in that union. So now I celebrate the anniversary of my fidelity but more importantly that God has been by my side guiding me for all these years. I've learned that I can get through anything.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 7:37 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

Glad I stumbled on this. Our 20th will be coming up in August. That also is around the time I got the I think my feelings are changing line.

I go back and forth with..wishing he would bring it up and bend over backwards for us to just take charge and own it.

I felt like a part of me died that day when he said that. I still can't wrap my head around the fog concept and whatnot so it is hard for me to believe that he didn't mean it.

I like the idea of just taking charge of it and truthfully...me just celebrating the fact that I was in the M for 20 yrs and remained faithful all that time and them some! I deserve that much.

Oh well, it is really shitty when we have a celebration like this and have this big black cloud hanging over.

Thanks for the post

my d-day was a couple of months before our 10 year aniversary. So the aniversary day for me was just another day for me to survive. We were on vacation during that time, but it was not anything special for me.

About 5 months before d-day, my wife gave me a huge 40th birthday party for me while she was in her A. All the good memories of that party were erased with her A.

I loved ttlshocker comment regarding married 14 vs 15 years. Excellent.

Littlelamb, celebrate for you, for the love you have in you.

Today is our 4th anniversary. I think we can go forward. I like Thundersdad's comments. I will see what today brings. NC really just started 3 weeks ago as far as I know. I did send him this poem last weekend, maybe I should have waited until today:

In and Out of Time

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance...

our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun

and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor

I had always loved you more.

You freed your braids...

gave your hair to the breeze.

It hummed like a hive of honey bees.

I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....

Mmmm...God how I love your hair.

You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.

Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....

Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out

in and out

in and out

of time.

Maya Angelou