SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am quite a ways out from D-day.

I have no idea where to post this. I hope this is correct place.

I can look clearly back to the first few months and how hard it was for my WS to give up the OW.

I read about how many WS have so much trouble getting over their AP.

My question is?

Now that I see that- I see it for what it was - why don't WS just leave.

I am now sitting here thinking my WS stayed because of financial reasons and children.

He says no- that is not the reason. But if you loved me so much then why did you keep it up with them?

I always feel I ask questions that no one wants to answer. I am sorry, but I am truley struggling with this. I desperately need a WS to answer this. To me if you were so entangled and had so many feelings for the other person, why do you stay with us?

Is it because of security and financial reasons, or maybe just afraid of what your married friends will think?

The Fog is confusing to me. The fog is the crazy feelings you had for another-which it doesn't appear you have for your BS at the time.

All this time later I feel my WH talked himself into being with me because it was the right thing to do.

Frankly - it is not a good feeling- I want someone to be in a FOG for me. The FOG that I had was when me and WS met in college and could not get enough of each other -we had to see each other all the time - talk- call anything to be together- isn't that the same as what my WS had with the AP?

I am struggling and struggling with this-I need someone to explain - Why didn't you just go and figure it out. I read all the time how WS struggle with NC. Isn't that the same as being in love?

Can anyone explain this to me?

I have no idea why XH didn't leave right away.

I will never know, but I almost think he wasn't planning to leave for OW (and I don't mean he planned to R, I think he honestly DIDN'T think at all about the future). I'm sure OW was wanting to know either way as she'd left her H and kids, but XH wasn't really making decisions above when & where to meet next. I'm not blaming her for him leaving, he ultimately chose, but I'm sure there was some pressure to make A decision after d-day.

He didn't seem have an exit plan, but I do know he made ZERO effort with me, so I think he really just figured it'd all work out eventually or something.

Anyway, sorry to t/j...but I know what you mean. You want 110% effort on his part, not to feel like an obligation or something. I'm sorry!

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 8:04 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)]

Not sure how much help I will be.

My H did leave for the OW. He was gone for 4 months and we did decide to R.

I can promise you the fact that he chose to leave doesn't make explaining those feelings any easier. I felt recycled for a very long time.

As he moved further from the A and was totally detached from any residual feelings he had for the OW he is able to explain it a little better. He didn't leave because he wanted a new life with the OW but like wannabe said there was a ton of pressure, she had left her BH and moved here to be with my H. So the guilt was huge (I read the luuuurve letters she wrote) and she really layed the guilt on heavy. He still made the choice to walk out the door instead of facing me, the kids, himself.

I understand that feeling of wanting our WS to be all head over heels giddy for us too but really that isn't possible long term and I think we would feel really let down when normal sets in again.

Your FWH probably really doesn't know why he stayed at the time. I mean really who in their right mind has an A? If he can see clearly now and is being honest I think all you can do is take his explanations for what they are. Unfortunately whether a WS stays or goes there really is no making sense of how they could do what they did.

(((imagrownup)))

Why should they leave? They have a wife doing their laundry and a girlfriend doing them?

The question I always had is why they think they can have a marriage with their BS again.

Not leaving makes sense to me. I'm staying for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with a relationship with him. Obviously, he didn't want me so I would be a fool to want him.

There is no doubt in my mind that my husband didn't love me to begin with. There wouldn't have been an affair if he did, so why would I think he's going to love me afterwards. Sometimes we have to put on our big girl panties and face the truth.

Mine left me for OW.

And it hurts badly. To know I was just thrown away along with 11-12 happy years and one little boy? I didn't imagine the good times nor the connection we had. How could he let himself become so attached to a coworker whore? It boggles my mind sometimes.

This is also my issue.

Are you hear because you've exited your "Fog" and realized that you were a complete fool and that you have to do whatever it takes to avoid losing ME?

or- BECAUSE you know if we split. I'll tell everyone. Everyone will know you're an ass. Because it's the "right" thing to do?

WHY?

I realize he knows OW was a skank ho just trying ruin our lives (turns out she's had MANY affairs with married men) He knows she was cheating on HIM with tons of guys (now) so he doesn't want her...

BUT WHY DOES HE WANT ME?

He says he loves me. How can I believe that? Lies.

My WH and I have separated. He is not in contact with OW at this time. (that I know of). He is trying to figure things out with the help of IC. However, he has told me that he thought he was falling out of love with me. That is how he thinks he was able to have the A. Honestly, I think the problem was that he was not fully invested and never had been in our relationship from the day we were married. The OW was out trolling in a bar (because she was unhappy with her husband) and found my WH. He was curious and they exchanged phone numbers. From there....they started a friendship and from there....well they began their A.

I think he "fell out of love" with me because you can't feel this sort of feeling for two people at the same time. She was a new toy and I was the old standby. She spoke badly about her husband to vilify her choices of being involved with a married man while still married herself and likely my WH did the same. You can't feel "love" for someone you are speaking so badly about.

This is where my tagline came from. Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not. Simply put...this is it in a nutshell.

Your WH is trying to make sense of it all and you can't make sense out of nonsense.

In my case my hub wanting to appear as the great family man and coach and have some fantasy life with OW( another mom on my sons team).

He did things for her I never got in 20 yrs

He wrote her poems, always romantic, etc...

You know why - none of it was real.. They never had any stress besides lieng and sneaking and hiding...

She was the one he talked to all day, she was the one he screwed all the time in cars and her home.

They got to live this fake fantasy life and fill their empty souls.

They both went home at night to their families and played that part as well.

He had sex with her by day and with me at night.

How could I compare to what she was to him? I couldn't ! I was taking care of three kids, we had recently lost everything we owned in a house fire, our middle son lived in and out of the hospital the first five years and had to be IV fed along with many surgeries.

I was stressed, but loved him very much and showed him but yet his way to escape was her.

I will never forget the day I was hanging up his pants that he threw on the floor minutes before we were to leave for my oldest sons state cup soccer game

I never check pockets although u would think a mom of three boys would. Lol

But I felt something in the pant pocket and pulled it out and unfolded it.

It was a love poem, deep love poem and he made the mistake of putting her name in his poem and I dropped to the floor but pulled it together and sat through the game with him and her.

I later confronted him and I called her to meet us at the park and told them if they were in love to just run off together.

Guess what? Nobody ran off...

What u have to understand is that affairs are selfish people living in a fantasy world with very little reality.

You can't make sense of pure insanity. It took me lots of counseling to stop trying to rationalize something so irrational

I felt like I needed to understand it so I could move on in my mind but what I've learned 2.5 yrs out is that u will never understand it but if ur able learn only to live acceptance of what he did.

He did it, I don't understand it, he can't change the past but we can make a new future.

My hub stayed because he does love me, our boys, our family and our life.

Those things are what is real.....

You know how there are certain question we BS ask over and over?

This is one of them for me. When I'm in one of my "moods", I will often follow it with, "I wish you'd never came back."---(they deserved each other on so many sub-levels)

If had known what hell R was going to be, I would've chucked my marriage into the trash and started fresh living my own life under my own terms. The idea that he came back groveling to me while grieving the AP disgusts me to no end.

I find a bit of comfort knowing that none of her WS-poaching tactics were able to compete with the caliber of a woman that I am naturally. But still, it makes one, the BS, wonder .....

I kicked my husband out of the house right after d-day. The OW had also separated with her husband.

I told both of them that they were now free to be with each other whenever they wanted to!

And guess what?

In 6 months of separation he never contacted the OW (except for the initial NC phone call)...and she never contacted him!

I filed for divorce, my kids knew about the LTA, all of our friends and family knew, their co-workers knew (thanks to me LOL!)....so, they had nothing to lose at this point...

but, they did not pursue any kind of relationship.

That was hard for me to figure out at first.

You mean you carry on a 5 yr LTA? it so...important...and then d-day hits and nothing?

crickets?

Its because they knew that what they 'had' was total BS.

Especially in my husband's case it was sick sexual, alcoholic affair.

He never daydreamed about having any real relationship with the OW.

We, the BS, try to understand the affairs by using our own experiences and point of view...that's the mistake we make.

These affair relationships are nothing like a dating relationship.

They did not treat their affair partners with that kind of respect.

Whenever you want to test that..then ask the WS if they would ever want their son or daughter to be in relationship where they were treated like the AP was treated.

The answer will be an emphatic: No!

Affairs are not your typical dating relationships.

Instead, they are these weird fantasy things, an escape from the realities of life (so often there is something very serious or traumatic going on at home).

They don't leave or they come back because they realize that the affair was based on lies,fantasy, etc. there is no way that it would be the same when you inject reality into the picture.

And, hopefully, they stay pr come back because they realize that they almost lost the true love of their life.

They realize that they have taken for granted all that they had.

Whenever you want to test that..then ask the WS if they would ever want their son or daughter to be in relationship where they were treated like the AP was treated.

The answer will be an emphatic: No!

Excellent point of view!---I'll have to ask; I know the answer of course, but I want to make him cringe at that thought.....

I too struggle with this. My H said he didn't leave because he didn't want to. He had plenty of opportunities. I kicked him out before dday. He came back. I kicked him out on dday. He came back. He was outed to everyone and still broke it off with OW AFTER I told him I wanted a D.

He didn't leave because he didn't want to. Just like he had an A because he wanted to. That's what it all boils down to cake eating selfishness.

I spent a year in false R, and chose to end my M because I wasn't valued in it.

I got to know the OW while The Monster's trials were going on.

As best we could figure out, The Monster stayed because he was afraid his leaving would expose his crimes.

At one point he was ready to leave, but when the OW wasn't ready to move him in, he stayed.

He wanted someone to take care of him.

As I understand, today, he's living in a "sex offender motel room", no car, supporting himself on 36% of his income, and looks like hell warmed over.

I don't know if he still sees OW, that's her problem.

He's no longer mine.

The Fog is confusing to me. The fog is the crazy feelings you had for another-which it doesn't appear you have for your BS at the time.

All this time later I feel my WH talked himself into being with me because it was the right thing to do.

Frankly - it is not a good feeling- I want someone to be in a FOG for me. The FOG that I had was when me and WS met in college and could not get enough of each other -we had to see each other all the time - talk- call anything to be together- isn't that the same as what my WS had with the AP?

I sometimes state that I don't believe in "Fog." However that is not really my full viewpoint. What I don't get is the idea we should feel better telling each other "he is still in the fog; their love is not real! It is infatuation, fantasy, etc. etc."

To me, infatuation is a huge deal, just as huge as "real love" and to think of my H infatuated with another the way he was once infatuated with me when we started dating is as painful as anything ever could be!

I would have never been able to R if my H had shown any signs at all of "being in the fog" or pining away for the Whore after D-day. This would pile insult on injury and I would have filed for a D. There is no way I'd wait around for him to come out of some supposed fog.

His only chance with me was to immediatley throw her under the bus and never look back, which is what he did do. Our relationship did start out with him being highly infatuated with me; it was an extremely romantic and wonderful courtship and I will cherish the memories forever. If I thought he had memories half that good while sneaking around with the Whore, I would not be with him now. (I have some reasons to think his memories with her are not so great since he says she stunk, and I also know he was suicidal during that time period so I guess the euphoria of his A was not really taking over all parts of his life).

I asked my H that. I even told OW to come and get'em cuz I didnt want him. She declined..some bullshit about not wanting to live with a man.

He begged me, not wanting to leave his family, he only wanted me, she was nothing. I dont think he wanted to be with her at the time, he hates change and is quite comfortable at home. He coaches our DD's teams and all the kids and parents think he is just wonderful he certainly doesnt want his family to know he is a cheater. So I win the prize, he's all mine..yay!!

He couldn't resist the whore, thought I wouldn't find out, never intended on leaving, and probably would have continued forever had I not busted him. Another reason he wouldn't leave is our kids and OW kids are friends, gee they could have been like the Brady's...NOT. I think sometimes he still talks to her, I think there may be plans in the future for them to be together, after the kids are grown and thats ok..just keep building up OUR retirement fucker! got over 25years invested and I have earned every fn penny!

Thanks so much for all the great replys. I guess I am trying to make sense out of something that can make no sense.

I also feel that our courtship was beautiful and wonderfrul and that for him to have experienced this with someone else is so painful - so much I feel at times I cannot bear it. The A was one thing but this crazy pining for her is a whole different thing.

I can't find a difference between what he did for me and what he did for her.

It feels the same and in our case- we got married.

OOPS he couldn't marry her- he was already that.

If we didn't together have these financial obligations and these added weights of 3 children. Where would I be today.

I just can't figure it out.

I don't want to be the woman he had to stay with-

He claims that is not the case.

He tells me he stays because it is cheaper to stay.

I don't think he really wanted to leave, he just wanted the excitement involved.

I stay because I need the health insurance and retirement is coming. I have lost interest in him and what he does

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 9:14 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]

I think thats something we bw need to get out of our heads! That their courtship dating was anything like we had! We werent a secret! They didnt have to lie and sneak around to be with us! Im sorry but i find nothing romantic about sharings someones husband or wife....sneaking around having sex or bullshitting. Thats not dating. Thats not a relationship. Its pathetic and fake. When my wh courted me we were teens. I was the first girl he brought around to his parents. I was invited to family dinners trips....i was respected and real.none of that was built on lies. I wasnt a booty call or a escape or a quick fix. We fell inlove infront of our family and friends. None of what we had was built on lies and deceit. Mow new that envied it and set out to destroy it and wh was weak broken and fucked up. Thats what mow got...a weak broken fucked up man that i wouldnt accept. He felt like a pos and surrounded himself with a pos. He had his escape his fun...but it ate at him. He was miserable for the most part during his affair. He liked all the attentin flirting and i think anticipation of forbidden sex...im sure sex eas exciting new at first but it soon made him feel dirty disgusting inside....i truly feel his A was wrapping up when i found out. Things werent all lovey dovey between them. Wh was done. Mow still wanted the lie tha fantasy. I think her deciding to leave her h and making more demands on my wh was to much for my wh...his escape fun was becoming a reality...and it was way more fucked up then the one he was running from that he shared with me. With her he built something sick pathetic and ugly. For our spouses that stay....that wake up and tune back into reality....i used to compaire what me and wh had/have but wh said it plain and clear...no comparision. He and mow are humiliated and embarrased. I told everyone and if he wanted to go off with her into the sunset he could have...he didnt want to. She was good enough for secrecy but not good enough to shout out to the world that he wanted her. He didnt want her. Just the acceptance of his shit behavior and once it was out the jig was up. In the light of day in reality what mow and wh had was "nothing"...never confuse that with what us bw/bs began our libes with or wh/ws with. Jmo

Also wanted to add when wh and i were dating we werent hidden. I wasnt hidden. We did normal couple things! Eating out and not hiding. He took me to movies and to his friends. He never took mow out. They would get caught...duh. he neber held her all night long and woke up to her face and ate breakfast and ..he never went on romantic walks with her out in the open where friends family coworkers could see. They would get caught...lol. he didnt buy her nice things...they would het caught. He didnt share a bed with her or he screwed her in the third row of her expedition and then they went home to their kids and spouses. Thats not love. Thats not somthing to be proud of...if someone were to ask them how they met...my wh would have to admit this woman had been our trusted realtor...that they lied and snuck around having car sex. Thats not romantic its gross. Mow is almost 47 wh is almost 34....its pathetic. They used each other to feel good and disrespected each other and each others families. Mow didnt even sell my house! Ha ha housing market crashed im stuck in this house but her job sucks and her income has been seriously impacted. She id middle age possibly her second marriage has ended her career is in the toilet. Oh and she is a fugly whore on top of that and i have friends and family every where and they all know about her....so if someone is staring in her direction laughing...she can wonder is it nothing or do they know she is a knob slobbing skank and have they seen the pix she sent to wh cell of her saggy rack and bedazzled bald twat...??? Possibly

Sunflowergirl30,

You made some good points why your relationship (even starting out) was superior in every way to his relationship with the Whore.

The problem for me would be if he was in some sort of "fog" or feeling of infatuation, regardless of whether it was based on lies or deceit, or started out honest and open between two single people, whether it was an escape from reality or a booty call, or whatever, if they are feeling euphoric and "high" when involved with/thinking about that person (and obviously some of them DO REALLY FEEL good during their A's and some do miss and pine for the AP after it is over). I personally, have only been able to deal with it, and forgive and R with him, because he dumped her immediately after D-day and did not show any signs of pining for her.