SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last night, in MC, my BH admitted that he had suspected the A from the very beginning. He said that for a day or so after being with the OM, I would be nervous and jumpy. Worst of all, would get a distant look in my eyes that he knew that I mentally wasn't with him.

He says that he was certain but didn't confront until he had hard evidence. So for months he suffered in silence while he waited and watched. He said that he had never felt so alone. As hard as it was after the confrontation, he feels that it was harder knowing but not being able to say anything.

Hearing him say this ripped me apart. The pain in his voice was more than I could take. I broke down in the MC office and couldn't finish the session.

How could I have been so fucking heartless? I totally hate myself. I can't look my H in the eye. I thought I was being SO clever hiding my trail. Only he already knew and was just suffering in silence. He shared his suspicions with no one. He was just alone.

I couldn't sleep last night and have been racked by guilt. I don't know how he can stand the sight of me after all that I have done. I totally hate the person I see in the mirror.

There is no way that I can ever apologize enough. But I don't know what else I can do.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what I would do without SI.

(((verysorry97)))

He says that he was certain but didn't confront until he had hard evidence. So for months he suffered in silence while he waited and watched. He said that he had never felt so alone. As hard as it was after the confrontation, he feels that it was harder knowing but not being able to say anything.

My BH says hte same thing, that the hardest part was the time before d-day, when he knew but needed the proof before confronting.

I hate that I caused that.

(((verysorry))) There's nothing you can do to change the past. Look forward, live the life you want to live by being the person you want to, and know you can, be.

I have been right where you are. Verysorry. It seems to be getting beter for me, so give it time. Feel the pain and shed the tears right now. Continue working on yourself and doing all the right things to heal you, your BH and your M.

Hugs

((((Verysorry97)))

The best thing you can give this man is to look deep inside yourself and find the reason why you thought in the very beginning, even before you started with the OM , why you thought it was even ok to step off this very slippery slope.

When you get to these reasons, when you get to the very painful issues that are there, then start the healing. That is what you can give him. And share with him what you are doing to make his world safe again.

I know the pain you are feeling, feeling like you can't even look at yourself in the mirror. Why would he stay? Those questions are not for you to answer, he is there, so it is up to you to get back to work. This is one of the hardest things to do once we really face the horror of what we have done to the person that we love. I am sorry you are going through this. Let it motivate you to work hard on finding your reasons. Good luck.

VS-

Hang in there. It sucks to see what a monster you're capable of turning into.

Don't dwell on hating yourself. That won't heal you. Keep moving forward and show your H that you love only him.

Update when you can. I know how awful the self hate can get. Let us ok

know you're ok.

verysorry, many of us have felt that sickening feeling of finally getting it... and the self loathing and shame and so on and so on.

Some of us, including you, are being given the gift of reconciliation. Don't let your shame and pain of the A numb you to that gift.

Do me a favor. Go back to that mirror, and look at the woman standing there, and see her as the person your dear husband sees: a woman who has been deemed worthy of R, worthy of a chance to make amends and worthy of love and forgiveness. Never forget that. Don't look away from her- look at her and see that there's still much in her worthy of good things. Then take a deep breath, go hug your husband and focus on acting on this second chance.

You can do it.

I think that all of us that truly get the depth of the pain we've caused have felt at some point as you do now. I most certainly did, and still do from time to time (hence my user name). The thing that really helped me to get over my guilt is helping my spouse to heal. This is about them, the betrayed, and helping them get through the hell we've caused. When we allow ourselves dwell in our own guilt, we are once again being selfish. When I really started to understand that, and devoted myself to helping her heal, my guilt began to ease. I would suggest reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful, by Linda J. MacDonald. It's a really quick read, about 90 pages. But it really helped me to control my guilt by helping her heal. It's a win win. Good luck with everything. I hope this helped.

Yes Fallen is on the money - Good Luck and fight the urge to hate yourself! (((hugs)))

Thanks for everyone's support. It really really helped me.

Last night, my BH surprised me.

Normally, I get home much earlier than he does. Well, I was shocked when I saw his car in the drive. When I entered the house, he had flowers, wine and cheese waiting for me and dinner cooking. We spent the evening talking. My BH's thoughts were much like Fallen's post. He kept saying that while we still need address what happened in the past, we need to also focus on the present and the future.

I don't know what I would do without my H. I really can't believe how stupid I was to almost destroy everything.

(((verysorry97))

I've been constantly reminded of how forgiving and wonderful our BS's our in our situation (where they are at least entertaining reconciliation) and what we did/are doing to them. This week especially. It's been quite a ride already and yet my BH continues to forgive me, over and over again, despite what I am still putting him through. This week has been....well, it's been drama-filled. My MC has really helped in showing my BS that this is a process for me and him and that there may be 'bumps in the road' so to speak.

My BS too had suspicions after DDay1, but NEVER asked me. I really never had to lie to him because he never challenged me. I would have folded like a cheap suit had he asked me. To know now that he kept that all inside of him kills me so I know what you mean.

I hope you are able to get to your next session of MC and IC and talk out your feelings.