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I have been in some form of R for the past 7 months.  I had discovered the A in March 2011.  WW admitted the A and provided a timeline in July 2011.  In the timeline, she admitted to one A and provided some details on the OM and the events surrounding the PA.

Last week, after WW had started reading SI, she realized that she needed to disclose the truth.  WW admitted to two additional A’s (a total of 3 OM’s) as well as more info about breaking NC (4 times) and the role of friends and relatives in facilitating the A and/or being aware of it.  During the past 7 months, I had suspected she was being deceptive in her timeline and description of events, but I must admit that post-DDay #1 (breaking of NC, discussing MC sessions with others), the fact that so many people knew of the A (to include her sister) and the disclosure of the two additional OM’s and the nature of her interactions with them have thrown me for a loop.  I feel a bit dead.

Post DDay #1, when she was upset or sad, it hurt me to watch WW's pain.  I felt a need to comfort her and often did (hold, kiss, rub her shoulders, tell her that it would OK over time,…).  But now, I just stare.  Like I’m floating in air looking down at the ground from 30,000ft.  It’s as if I am looking at a stranger.  Someone I thought I knew, but I’m not sure I ever did.  I’m not angry now, just numb.  I was angry at times after DDay #1, but I don’t feel that now.  At times a bit sad when I am with my boys.  But not mad.

It is a very peculiar feeling.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 9:26 AM, October 20th (Thursday)]

There's a thing called the Plain of Lethal Flatness that's discussed from time to time here. What seems to happen is, you've been fighting so hard for so long that your body and mind decide it's time to take a break. Very common and very survivable.

Have you told her how you're feeling?

I am afraid of what you are going through right now. I am a year out and I feel that there is something out there that I don't know about. Not about the A from last year....but 4 years ago. We went through a horrible time 4 years ago where she pulled the "ILYBINILWY" bullshit out. Every once in awhile I get this overwhelming feeling that therehad to be something/someone during that time. She was so cold and so mean....withdrawn....etc. She swears that nothing happened during that time and it was her career and escapism to move south to her Moms town, but this is the same woman that TT me to death for almost 3.5 months and watched me die a slow death day after day......I don't know.....I just don't know. I want to let her in totally, but there is something there that is preventing that...Duh. She is so different from what she has ever been. We have had a great second half of the year....her in IC, but there is just something there that gets to me at times. She said she would be willing to take a poly....ugh. Why are they so fucking destructive to us? This A of hers has left a path of wreckage though my life......sometimes I sit there and wonder if I did the right thing....if I should have just walked away and took the job in the big city up north and started a new life. Its times like this I hate myself.....

[This message edited by Long Gone at 9:45 AM, October 20th (Thursday)]

Ghostrider,

I know how painful the TT is and that was some seriously BIG TT.

You are in shock. Your mind and body are processing. The anger will come. It will come. That's why we call this a 'roller coaster'.

I'm not defending her, but she did a brave thing to admit to this. IMO, It is proof of her dedication to heal your marriage. Now whether or not you can live with this new info is going to be up to you.

Ghostrider, We seem to need to learn what happened and process it before we can move on. You are overwhelmed by what you have learned and likely repressed. I am 6 years out from my wifes single several month long affair. I still have similar feelings sometimes. I sometimes hold my daughter while she is sleeping and cry. Our kids are the good thing that has come from our marriages that our wives broke. They are likely the reason we are still in them.

These feelings will pass and then become less frequent. It sounds like your wife has made a turn for the better.

Long Gone, I often wonder if I did the right thing as well. I am not sure that I did for myself. My wife has had 5 years of IC for childhood SA. If I had not stayed with her she likely would have committed suicide, saving her was the right thing to do for her. We have two great children since the A. Having them was the right thing for them and for me. Before the A our marriage was a 100% partnership. After the A I learned that I need to be 100% self reliant. If she is there and it is good that is great. If she looses it again she is out.

Painpaingoaway, I agree that her disclosing was a difficult action for her because in it, she gave up on managing the situation.  Up to now, she in essence was manipulating events (and me) be selectively disclosing the true horror of what happened, her thinking and the lack of respect for me, our sons and herself.  I kept asking her, are you being truthful?  Is this all?  And she kept saying, with convection and emotion, Yes.  And yet, it wasn’t.

It is difficult for me to absorb.  I had such love and admiration for WW and her family.

For now, I am trying to focus on my boys and eating.  I’ve lost 7lbs in 4 days.  Have no idea how.

It’s amazing how 15yrs together (12yrs married) can be destroyed so quickly.

Ghostrider, I'm very sorry you're going through this. One A is terrible; multiple As seem much worse in many respects, but ... your W confessed after reading SI, and I think that shows great commitment and courage on your W's part. All WSes feel guilty when discovered; not all feel remorse. Your W's confession indicates she also feels a whole lot of remorse - and remorse is necessary for R.

My guess is that you feel peculiar because you committed to R too quickly.

First, I'm pretty much convinced that the R that happens while the WS is still TT'ing is a very diluted R - maybe you think you started R in March, but last week may be the real start for you, unless there's more TT to come (which sounds unlikely).

More important, I believe the BS has to do some serious soul-searching and healing before s/he can really start R.

Have you really considered D? If you didn't, IMO there's too big a fear component in your desire for R - if you KNOW you can make it without your W, you can commit to R from strength; if you don't realize you can make it alone, R isn't a gift or a desirable outcome, it's a necessity, and some part of you is gonna rebel, because that part is afraid you'll sell yourself out.

How much healing have you done before considering yourself in R? D-Day is traumatic. You're in tremendous pain, and it's been inflicted by the one person you felt would always bee on you side. People don't make the best decisions when they're in pain and their world has been turned upside down and inside out. Knowing you want to R is different from making a decision to go through the R process. And acting out of love for your WS is also a lot different from deciding to R.

IMO, every BS should take some time before making a decision - 3-6 months, maybe more. Use the first few months to test your WS's desire to R. Does WS answer questions? Has WS established and maintained NC? Is WS transparent? Supportive?

IMO, the early weeks and months are also the time to decide on your requirements for R - there are certain basic ones common to all of us (honesty, NC, transparency, some combo of IC/MC), but we all have individual desires. For example, I require my W to court me, to work as hard to keep me interested as she did to keep ow interested.

If your WS is pretty good at meeting your requirements for long enough, and if you know you'll be OK on your own, then you'll be able to commit to R and roll with the many punches you'll receive even if your R is super.

In addition, your W is broken and will need a lot of support. Unles you do a lot of healing before you commit to R, you won't have the reources you'll need to support your W.

I'm just talking about a mindset here. If you know you want R from the beginning, do R behaviors, but with detachment - it'll be nice if WS is supportive, honest, transparent, etc., but you don't count on it because you don't yet know where your or WS are.

Sorry this is so long. As I say, IMO you committed to R too early, and last week's confession restarts the clock. This peculiar feeling sound sto me as if it's last week's trauma mediated by the tought that you were in R, so how can you feel this bad now?

You've got a good start with the (probable) end of TT. Feel your feelings now - all the pain, grief, anger, fear - and process them - maybe with the help of a good IC. Find your strength - your ability to live without your W. Figure out what you really want to do and make decisions from your inner strengths.

I think what you feel is a normal result of where you've been over the last 7 months. You're not crazy, and you will get through this to health and even happiness in the future.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:49 AM, October 20th (Thursday)]

Sisoon,

After DDay, I think I was in trauma/shock and bargaining for my marriage.  I don’t know if I was in R or not, but I didn’t want to be angry all the time and I did want to find a potential path forward.

After I was given the first timeline, I waited and then checked WW’s work email.  She had deleted all the Facebook, personal email and work emails, but she had archived 10-20 emails to her cousin, sister and OM1 that she hadn’t deleted from the archive.  In these, there were indications that she was not being transparent.   I knew that WW was still “managing” the facts.  Our MC/IC thought I was being inflexible, but I felt like a deer in the woods and could sense the wolf was still out there.  I started detaching.  I could hear the twigs breaking.

Yet, hearing what she did still stuns me.  It’s so surreal.

I’ve thought about D a lot.  It has become increasingly more palatable.  It was scary before, but at times, it now looks very attractive.  I look at women differently.  Before, I never envisioned another woman in my life.  Now, I do.  I am fit and financially successful.  I wonder if there is a woman out there who would be fun and not have as much “baggage”.  What am I giving up?

I don’t know.  One thing SI has taught me is to slow down and not make rash decisions.  I’ll go slow.  My sons deserve a thoughtful decision by their Dad.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 5:00 AM, October 21st (Friday)]

I also found that the way I look at other women changed after her affair. Prior to the affair I was extremely committed to our marriage. After the affair I started wondering how life would be different with other women. Not thoughts of one night stands but long term love.

After DDay, I think I was ... bargaining for my marriage.

I think the bargaining, while a very natural response, was a mistake. The M, as you knew it, is over - there's nothing to bargain for. I know I still loved my W (and I think that's common, too), but the infrastructure disapeared. It's really good for you to be thinking about D (IMO, of course) - it's just way different to choose R because you want to instead of because you think you need it.

... I didn’t want to be angry all the time....

If you feel your feelings and process them, you won't have that feeling all the time. The nasty feelings stick around if you try to stuff 'em/bottle 'em up. If you're angry, you'e angry, and that's OK. If you're like most of us, you have to process lots of anger, grief, and fear, but it gets better - the intensity diminishes over time, and eventually - 2-5 years, they say - you'll be normal again.

BTW, there are many ways to 'process' feelings. Personally, I needed to vent my anger at my W some times. Sometimes, though, I did some exercise, screamed in a safe, isolated place, etc. Sometimes I bawled out my grief; other times I just told myself that the future would be better, etc.

...and I did want to find a potential path forward.

I think I get it. The 'soon' in my ID is because I wanted the God-damned pain to go away SOON! IMO, the quickest way out is - you probably won't be surprised - to feel your feelings and process them.

I hear your concern about weight loss. I wouldn't be very worried about that, but I urge you to force yourself to drink a lot of water - it's easy to get dehydrated; most of us have enough fat to survive for many days without food.

Sleep is another issue - I basically shut my business down because of lack of sleep, but if I had a big project, or if I were still a road warrior, I don't know how I could have kept my job - and I don't know how to force sleep. But sleep, like water, is another thing we can deprive ourselves of and our bodies won't adjust well.