SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few questions for those in R.

Am I the consolation prize?

Is it demeaning to want to R, even after being hurt in such an awful way?

How do you know he isn't just "settling? " It almost seems like the employer that decides to give you the raise you have been asking for, after you give your notice.

Why wasn't our marriage worth working on before? Now that the A is exposed, you want to work on our marriage?

Just looking for some insight here.

Thanks.

Status: still in hell.

I REALLY wanted R with my WH right from the start. I was 100% for working through it and moving on. He was not 100% and was waffling between me and OW. It didn't take very many days of that crap for me to tell him to get out. We are separated now, but not divorcing at this time. I don't want to be "settled" for either. I want to be #1, as I was before.

Its tough in the beginning because your self esteem is in the gutter. You are trying to make sense of the senseless. Your thought process is whats wrong with me.

You are not the consolation prize. You are not the one who is broken. You are not the one who hurt the ones you love.

It is impossible to compete with a fantasy. Its apples and oranges. Even if the WS chose the AP, that relationship in the light of day doesn't look so good compared to the A (and it was the same players).

Eventually you get to a point where you are not applying a romantic hue to the A. After a while you see it for what it was. Two broken people trying to make themselves feel better in an incredibly selfish manner.

right after NC was established, FWH kept telling himself that he was miserable without OW2. Now a year later, he admits that he started having doubts in the weeks before NC was put in place about her character. In fact he just told me that he is horrified at how close he came to making an even bigger mess than he already had. (ie leaving me for OW2). Because he realizes now what he would have been losing and what he would have been gaining. I never was the consolation prize (although I felt like one for awhile).

I always worry about this too. My H left before he started going out with the OW, but he was giving me the idea he was just leaving to get his head on straight and would come back home soon. Long story endless, when he started going out with OW, I filed for D, a month later started going out with a guy. Meanwhile H realized OW was just using him for work on her house, car, expensive meals, etc. and she even told him they were just friends, etc. but his pride got in the way because he left because I was very controlling and showed him no respect (and as ashamed as I am to admit this - it is totally true - I really was like that) But his leaving was supposed to wake me up, and it did, but I'd said I'd change before and did for a week or two and then went back to being a control freak. So, he had trouble believing I really "got it" and had changed myself (and again I really have and realized I'm a much happier person not having control over every little thing) Finally, he swallowed his pride and asked me to break it off with guy I was seeing and we R'd.

But I have always wondered...did he only come back because she treated him so lousy and because she didn't want him? Everyone who knows both of us, who knew both of us before and after all this and the ones he hung around with during the separation have all told me that they can't believe that I can't see how madly in love with me he is. And how miserable he was without me - even when he was with the OW.

But...altho things are going very, very well, and my H has told me straight out that the reason he came home was because he loved me, not because I was a back-up plan or anything like that...even tho...it is always in the back of my mind...

You are not the consolation prize. Not by a longshot. That sleazy skank your husband was rolling around with was the consolationprize. You have the REAL life, the one he had to protect by hiding and lying and sneaking around. It was the good thing he didn't want to lose. She was told to her face that after "having sex" with her, he was going home to make love to you. She was the one who was told it would end if you ever became suspicious. She was the one clinging to emails, and a few random encounters in times where his REAL LIFE permitted.

No... you are not a consolation prize at all. And when he got his curtain yanked back, he probably realized it. Good luck.

No, I am not the consolation prize. APs are broken people in broken relationships with our broken spouses.

You are the Nobel Prize that he has yet to earn the right to have. R is his chance to display his best work to see if he is worthy of you.

There comes a point in R where it is appropriate to work on the marriage, but the beginning work is the WS working on himself or herself to heal personal brokeness. When he's ready (i.e., to a point where he understands himself better and can utilize healthier coping skills), it is time for MC. Remember, he didn't have an affair because of marriage problems. He had an affair because he chose to deal with normal marriage problems in an unhealthy way.

I never felt like a consolation prize. The OW was clearly not a prize.

Have you ever read the thread, "Honey, They Always Affair Down" in JFO? It may give you a different view of the OW and her fakelationship with your WH.

Fighting2Survive,

I am having trouble finding the "affair down" thread on jfo. Can you bump it for me please?

Am I the consolation prize?

Hell no!!!! You are not a prize - you are the rightful partner and spouse!!!

Is it demeaning to want to R, even after being hurt in such an awful way?

Hell no!!! It is courageous and strong and generous and loving. It is NOT demeaning!!!

How do you know he isn't just "settling? "

Because no one is chained in and presumably the decisions one makes are what is best for him/her. So if the decision is to reconcile, why would that be 'settling' on any level? It is not settling. It is getting one's head out of one's ass... it is doing what is right and what is ultimately best. So no, not settling in my book.

Why wasn't our marriage worth working on before?

It always was worth fighting for. Your WS was just checked out of reality for a while. Head in the butt syndrome, whatever you want to call it. Affairs are not because of anything that you did or the things that were wrong with your marriage. Nothing to do with that. It has to do with their issues, their brokenness, their inability to see straight...

Now that the A is exposed, you want to work on our marriage?

Yeah, now that the fog is lifting, they can see clearly...

I think I would feel like the "consolation" prize in some situations, but it could not happen to me because I would D before feeling like a consolation prize.

In cases where the OP dumps the WS and THEN he (or she) goes back and tries to work on the M, then as the BS I would feel like the back up plan and I just would not agree to R in those circumstances.

I have often thought how I would hate to be the OW's H (from my situation) because it seems she most definitely only stayed in her M because her plan to get my H as her meal ticket did not work out.

I am so glad my H didn't hesitate when I insisted on NC, although he did eventually break it.

At one time, I feared he was just staying in the M to avoid financial and social consequences but, more recently, he has been demonstrating his love more openly and I feel more valued.

I have learned to be less concerned about his motivation and more concerned about my own. Is this M my consolation prize?

I don't think reconciliation is about being the consolation prize. Reconciliation is about being the total package.

Anyone can hole up in a hotel room and f*ck and carry on. Affair sex and affair intensity is like being high. It's based in lies and deceit and it feeds emptiness.

It takes real love to trudge through the thick and thin. It takes courage to forgive. It takes resilience to accept the faults of your partner and move to be a better couple. It takes depth of character to offer a gift of reconciliation. Is this settling? I personally don't think so. I think it goes far beyond the character or spirit that an affair partner could ever muster up.

My Hs affair had little to do with the OW that he ended up with. In my eyes she was the absolutely worst choice - but she was the one that was available and had little hesitation to move right in there. And she was someone entangled with all areas of my life - someone I knew over 30 years. What I know is she could never hold a candle to who I am. I believe that wholeheartedly. If it wasn't her - I know it would have been the next person who sent my H a signal that she was available.

My marriage was stale prior to the A. My husband had sat back and built resentments that kept his focus solely on what I was not doing while not being willing to look at his own actions. He felt his needs were not being met so he needed to get them met elsewhere. He didn't see the connection with his lack of participation in the family finances, plans, household work. He worked half the hours that I did and came home each night and crashed out on the couch a 9pm while I was still doing kids stuff long after 11pm. I simply didn't have the energy to care for our lives and also caress his ego and private parts. That's the simple truth.

When our MC put all that up on the board - she simply turned to him and ask him if the roles were reversed - what would he find attractive in a man that behaved such as he. He looked and said - absolutely nothing. Who wants to make love to someone who did little to meet the needs of his supposed love. Love and meeting needs must be a two way street. In our case, it just wasnt.

So after the A was exposed - we needed to first deal with the trauma of it. Read my profile for a bit of insight into this. At 17 months post d-day we are now at work at the things that were missing prior to the A ever happened. Our issues have nothing to do with the A now. They were the very same ones that existed before.

Every reconciliation differs. I for one think I gave my husband the greatest gift that I could ever give him...the chance to repair the damage done by his actions. And he has gone to great lengths to repair and heal what happened. He has made it clear during this time that the love of his life was me. The one he could not live without was me. He looks back in disgust at the heinous path he went on. I am the total package - complete package and one that he could not easily duplicate and he often says he will go through the rest of his life grateful to me that I didn't kick him to the curb.

Hang in there...it's not demeaning to want to R - it takes guts and courage to R - it is not for the faint hearted. You are not the consolation prize...It's my belief that she was - otherwise he wouldn't have needed to sneak around and lie.

There would definitely be that feeling if there was any longing for AP or they struggled with ending the A on dday, I could not have dealt with that.

I saw a quote on here last week that I love.

In regards to AP: They were the past (a truly regrettable one at that) . Where as we are the past, present, and future.

A simple saying, but it speaks volumes to those who are in real, true R.

I am having trouble finding the "affair down" thread on jfo. Can you bump it for me please?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

Sorry, I should have posted the link last night.

I told my WW that I felt like the year's supply of Jiffy Pop that they give to the losers on game shows. She thinks that I ought to be thankful that she choose me, despite her wanderings. I asked her how many affairs I get to engage in--always returning to her in the end--before she begins to get that warm fuzzy feeling like she thinks I ought to be feeling. She couldn't answer that one.

How do you know he isn't just "settling? " It almost seems like the employer that decides to give you the raise you have been asking for, after you give your notice.

Ugh. This is what I wonder about every minute of every day. Thanks again, WH, for shooting my self esteem all completely to hell.

(((doesiteverend))) Your WW does not get it yet. How dare she tell you that YOU should be grateful that she chose you over her AP!! She should be kissing your feet and thanking YOU for letting her stay!

I think this is why I want to D. When I was receiving TT (which many of you quickly pointed out to me and were right about), I was ALL about getting counseling, fixing our M, and trying to piece our 17-year relationship back together.

However, he was on the fence. He still "had feelings" for the OW and wasn't sure what he wanted to do. She was thinking about moving here, and it sounded like they were going to pursue the relationship.

Fast forward a few days-- we're in mediation for D, and now his fantasy world is crumbling. She's divorcing but not moving here because her BS doesn't want to leave the area, so she won't leave her kids. Suddenly, I'm looking like the prize pig instead of the sad life he so desperately wanted to escape, so much so that he put my health at risk by having unprotected sex.

I feel like the consolation prize. No thanks. At least I can escape with my dignity rather than dragging this out in MC and feigned R (on my behalf) because his fantasy didn't work out. That's just MHO, though-- not judging anyone here for his/her choice to R at all.

I too feel like I am the leftover...on DDay, she lied, lied , lied, until the polygraph she insisted on taking brought out the horrible truth that my gut and the text messages already told me. Even in MC with both my IC and her IC, her IC told me I should be glad she "chose" me... I responded with, " she chose HIM"! And TT for months and months and I still will not get all that I need from her...I feel she is settling for me because th MOM is working it out with his wife...

His wife forgave him immediately....

my future with my WW is very iffy...

I don't know what to do....

I suppose that thought still crosses my mind every week or so. It used to cross my mind several times a day.

Every time it does, I recall the day everything took a very slight turn for the better. I had dropped off prepared D papers to her a week before and reminded her that I would pay the fee for filing, all she needs to do is review and sign.

a week after that she handed me the paperwork back unsigned and told me she didn't want that, and she would appreciate if I would destroy said paperwork.

I still felt really shitty that day, but a little less so. When I think of that day, even though it was smack-dab in the middle of the most stinking, rotten year of my life, I felt better about myself enough to get me through.

(((StrgrThanIThght)))

I ask myself the samething.

The A ended when FOW found a boyfriend. My guy MAGICALLY at the same exact time decided he wanted to be with me.

Can you guess how that makes me feel?

Can I go bang my head now?

[This message edited by jo2love at 11:39 AM, October 30th (Sunday)]

So sorry for what you are going through.

Am I the consolation prize?

Who do you think is the better prize? Someone that remains faithful to their spouse or someone so desparate they have to go after a married man/woman?

I definitely believe the faithful spouse is the better "prize". In my opionion, the OM/OW comes across as the booby prize.

Is it demeaning to want to R, even after being hurt in such an awful way?

This is a difficult situation for the BS, because they are forced with a tough decision to stay or leave. There is no right or wrong, strong or weak, demeaning or noble answer. The choice is what is right for you.

We took marriage vows for "better or worse". Now you know what was meant by worse. I took my vows seriously, so it was one of the contributors factors to choosing R. Even though my FWW broke her vows, it didn't mean that I had to do the same thing.

Are staying true to your marriage vows demeaning? I don't think so. In fact, it sounds noble to me.

How do you know he isn't just "settling? "

Your spouse makes a choice every day to stay with you. They can choose to leave any time they want. By the way, you make that same choice as well. Are you settling? It doesn't matter. We choose what we want weighing a variety of aspects. We then make the best choice we can based on our accumulated life experience.

Why wasn't our marriage worth working on before? Now that the A is exposed, you want to work on our marriage?

Many people start to take their marriage and spouse for granted. It's only when the loss is threatened do they begin to see what they may lose. As a result, it's common for affairs to server as a catalyst for change in the marriage. Sometimes that catalyst can be positive, as it was in my marriage; or, sometimes it can be negative resutling in divorce.

If you have a remorseful spouse that is willing to change, then you get to make the choice as to whether the affair is going to be a catalyst for positive or negative change.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:02 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]