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Has anyone had the horribly painful experience of their WS and AP having sex in your bed? I'm having an extremely difficult time getting past this one.

According to my H, AP insisted on coming to our home when I was away to pick my husband up to go out. He says she wanted to come in and see our home, spent time looking around and then had sex...in our bed. Makes me sick.

Any words of advice on how I can even begin to move past this one? We no longer have the bedroom set, but aside from moving, I really feel stuck.

I got rid of a couch. Yeah...

Try focusing on making new memories in your new bedroom set. Not just sexual but maybe breakfasts in bed, movie days in bed, reclaim it!

Maybe consider repainting the room a completley different color and new carpeting. The different smell of newness might be enough to help you shake it.

Yes. They did it in my bed. And I struggle with it but aside from getting a new mattress and throwing away all the bed linens I have dealt with it. Sort of. Within 2 months of D-Day I put my house on the market, convinced that I couldn't live with the bad memories that we have here. But as time passed I realized the problem isn't with the house or the bed. It was with my wife and associating the problem with anything ewlse didn't make sense. So now I deal with it. Sort of.

I agree with SeanFLA. It might help to change the paint and window treatments.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you knowing that she was in your home.

(((HUGS)))

Yes.

It sounds like your trying to R so I won't say much more than your not alone in dealing with this.

Many positive thoughts.

Yes. In my case, several times in our bed. I've had some pretty big compartmentalization around that fact. I don't view the object of our marriage bed as anything special. It's just a place to lay my head. Kind of like when you stay in a hotel, you know other people have had sex in the bed you are sleeping in. If you think about it, that's kind of gross. I guess now I don't view my marital bed as a place of comfort, as a place of safety. It's just a bed. A place to sleep. It is a sad fact, and it does get to me at times.

That's just my case, though. I guess thinking about it, I was never really 'emotionally' attached to our bed. One thing I was emotionally attached to was my guitar that my FWW bought me several years ago. When she bought it for me, she brought OM with her to help pick it out. She told me this at the time, but I had forgotten. It was an unimportant fact at the time, because I thought he was just a friend. The week she remembered that he was there during the purchase, and she mentioned it, I felt so violated. I felt like OM had his stamp on everything. Our bed. Our son. Our house. Our cars. My wife. But most important to me that week was my effing guitar! How dare him!

If I had to destroy everything that had OM's stamp on it, I would have virtually nothing left in my life. So, symbolically, as a way to purge OM, I smashed the hell out of that guitar. I felt a lot better afterwards. Kind of like a Pete Townsend inspired transformation from "Behind Blue Eyes" to "Won't Get Fooled Again". Yeaaaaaahhh...

Sorry to tangent on your post a bit, but if your bed is that painful of a symbol for you, it might make you feel better just to get rid of the damn thing. Leave it in the OW's driveway, if that makes you feel better. If you can find something smaller to symbolically purge those feelings, that's another option too. Do something powerful that makes you feel good about you.

ETA: Shortly after this incident, my FWW bought me a new guitar, on her own, which I love so much more than the one I smashed. That was very helpful in my healing process as well. Not only destroying, but rebuilding.

((MOED))

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:09 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]

So the MOW was my BFF so she spent LOTS of time in my house and her girls spent the night ALL THE TIME! So, when all of it came out they had sex (regularly) in the guest bedroom. (I can never truly believe they didn't use our room since he admitted that they used her marital bed at her house).

So the day after D-day I took the day off of work and he and I dismantled the guest bed and hauled the mattress, box springs, and ALL of the bedding to the DUMP! Then we dismantled the entire guest room and turned it into a playroom and TV room for my daughters. the worst is that the bedframe was actually our first bed frame and my FWH and I had "rescued" it from the trash man and refinished it ourselves. I didn't have the heart to throw it out but it sits in the attic and I have no idea if we will ever be able to use it again.

Of course, my immediate thought was to sell the house but with the market being what it was I couldn't afford to. So, instead my FWH had the task of re-painting our master bedroom and re-finishing the master bathroom (new paint, new flooring, new mirrors,....) and we bought brand new bedding and curtains,...

These simple (well for me...since he did all the heavy lifting and work) acts allowed me to take back some of the sanctity of my personal space within the desecrated space.

So, like so many other posters have advised....junk the bed and buy a new one and totally re-decorate....it may cost some $$$ but it is sooo worth it!

They did it in our guestroom. Filmed it too. All of the furniture, bedding, decorations, etc went to a homeless shelter. That wasn't enough for me so we sage-smudged the room to rid it of evil. I'm usually not into that kind of thing but I did feel better afterwards. Then we made love on the new bed and reclaimed the room.

We no longer have the bedroom set, but aside from moving, I really feel stuck.

I would never fault anyone who needed to move to get the mind movies out of their head. It really messed with my head that he would even bring her to my home. But the truth is that I LOVE my house and she took so much from me that she wasn't going to chase me from it. This is MY house and I'm NOT moving. My FWH and I have worked hard on home improvement projects and new decor because we are both recommitted to making it OUR refuge. It has been very helpful to our R.

[This message edited by Textbook Case at 12:14 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses.

I love your ideas of redecorating, not sure why I didn't think of that myself(okay, I do know why...I'm not fuctioning at my best just yet!?!).

4myGirls...LOVE the idea of having him do the work!! Thanks for that!

downfall...we are working really hard on R'ing and he took the entire bedroom apart the morning after telling me they had had sex there, and put everything in the garage and had it hauled away to a church who had families in need. So he is remorseful and doing the right things.

LosferWords...oooohhh, I feel your pain, and you did not tangant on my post, no worries and thanks for sharing.

And I too love my house way too much to allow her to drive me out of it. So moving is not an option and I feel so much better already. If I didn't have a turkey dinner to get started on I'd be off to the paint store picking out colors!

Thanks everyone and have a great Thanksgiving.

Burn it.

I found my XH in our bed with his troll.

I left it behind, but if I had to keep it, no way.

I would have burned it or tossed it, something.

((hugs)) for you.