SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I knew I shouldn't have logged on. I meant to deactivate it a couple weeks ago but my BH made sure that I knew it was still active and he deleted me and set his status to single. Well I logged on for some reason, and curiousity got the best of me and I opened up an old message from him and clicked his name to view his wall..why? Idk..maybe to see what he's been up to or to see the sh*t talking that I thought I would find. Well, now I know that hes in town, where I am, and now I feel like throwing up.

He's here, and I'm here. And were not together. This isn't right. I hate this...I know where he is staying and it's taking everything in me to not get in the car and at least drive by to see if he's there...I miss him so bad...I would give anything to even be in his presence. And I don't deserve that, and it's my fault...I hate myself more than ever right now

"Love is a beautiful, giving and trusting action between two people. Obsession is an action of one person towards another."

Read what you posted and see where the thought process you have right now fits.

Obsession is often confused with love. The two are not similar at all unless your love is unhealthy.

You start the process of taking your focus off him and putting it back on you and your choices/actions.

It's not easy. Just take one step at a time. You can get there.

I understand what you're saying completely. I'm even telling myself that. It just feels so unreal. He's HERE and yet he's so far away. It's mostly me beating myself the hell up because, first of all, I wouldn't even know he was here if I hadn't "snooped". And second, the whole reason why he's here and not anywhere near me is entirely my fault. I NEVER thought this would happen. Well I guess I did know it would happen someday..i just chose to ignore it. Ugh...it's just hard to know where he is and to not "conveniently" run into him. I'm such an idiot!!!!!!!

I'm such an idiot

(((Broken))) stop with this thinking. Would you beat the shit out of your car daily that you need to get back and forth to work? Of course not. You take care of it and service it often to make sure it lasts and is reliable.

Why do that to yourself, then? You need yourself to get you through this and moving forward toward a healthy future. Beating yourself won't erase past actions. It will only prevent you from making better ones.

Start care and maintenance on yourself. One step is implementing positive self talk. It makes a huge difference!!!

I know...I just for some reason always end up feeling guilty when I start to feel even somewhat good. I feel like I don't deserve it and that if he knew I was having a good day that it would mean I don't care at all. I know that is stupid thinking, and I shouldn't be so concerned with how he sees me and I should be more concerned with how I'm viewing myself...but I just can't get it out of my head.

I'm still working on finding an IC and getting into the doctor for my personal issues...im still waiting on him to send me my insurance information that I never got when I was living on base..

I just for some reason always end up feeling guilty when I start to feel even somewhat good. I feel like I don't deserve it and that if he knew I was having a good day that it would mean I don't care at all.

I get this. Been there, done that. I hated myself for tearing BH's heart out. I hated myself for taking so many hours out of my day and giving them to OM. I hated myself for making my children suffer. (My DD is homeschooled and work fell behind because I was "busy" with OM) But you know what? I had to work past that. I needed to get myself up out of my funk and realize that I can't wallow in the bad choices of yesterday. Yesterday was over and done. Today is a new day. I need to work today on making myself a better person and making better choices. No, I can't take back the time I robbed my family of. But today, I can curl up with my kids and read stories. We can make cookies together. Watch a documentary together. Today I can show my BH that I am changing and becoming a better person.

I made a terrible choice with the A. But I am learning to accept it happened, and fix and strengthen myself. Someone shared the below quote with me when I was dealing with feelings of self-hate and beating myself up. I don't know who the original poster was, but I really liked this.

'This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.

When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind....let it be something good.'

Don't waste time hating yourself. Heal, move forward. One step at a time. You can do this.

(((BrokentoPieces)))

Aubrie, I use that quote a lot because it's true- we can't change yesterday, but we can use the pain from yesterday to motivate change RIGHT NOW. Let every choice we make going forward be a thoughtful, honorable choice. We start to do that when we realize we've had enough lies, deceit and dishonor to last the rest of our lives.