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So BS and I are at a sticking point as he considers whether he wants to think about R. My A was conducted mostly online with two physical meetings. One in late October and one in late November. BS found out about the online portion and November meeting (although I was not honest about what happened at that time) as soon as I got back in November.

We were not in MC, had no books, no resources and did not understand the concept importance of NC. So I would check in with OM when in my online game- first to see if he was “ok” which turned into texting, etc… I told my IC about this and how I felt bad. She said “of course, it is natural you still have feelings for OM. If you feel you need to check on him to feel ok don’t worry about it.” This let me give myself license to talk to him more and more often -ending in a really inappropriate skype chat my poor BS found. The weird thing is- although I was talking to him again- I still felt like I had “chosen” my BS. Like I was playing along with OM to make him feel better. In fact, he offered to come to where I live and I was making excuses as to why he could not. (NOT excusing behavior- just trying to look back at it).

Anyway- this time when BS found out it was so much worse- went NC that day. Quit the game and erased every avenue by which he could reach me (WHY was it not obvious I had to do that before- it did not occur to either of us). I eventually told everything. Not nearly as soon as I should have.

This is what I am working on figuring out- after all the hurt I caused my BS in November- and the loving generosity he showed me- why the F did I ever contact OM again?? Everything I read says its “the fog.” But that isn’t a good enough reason. I am still in IC and working with a lot of childhood trauma issues- but I need to figure this out in order to help my BS find the answer to his situation. I need to find some resources that analyze this in more depth. Anyone have any suggestions?

You were cake eating. You wanted both your real life and the fantasy. The fantasy made you "feel" good or better, where as your real life was not as exciting, but that is what you wanted.

When I first started talking to OM, I knew it was going into dangerous territory quickly. I told Mr. Aubrie about it. Told him I would stop before it got out of hand. I did for about a day. Then contacted OM again and progressed even quicker than before.

I was a foggy person before meeting the OM. While "knowing" that what I was doing was wrong, I lacked the boundaries, strength to stop. So still foggy, I went back to OM.

I consider "fog" as the easy term for (for me) co-dependant, emotionally abused, lousy esteemed, slightly passive-agressive, weakling that I am.

I lack the eloquence for what I'm trying to say. Hope you "get" what I'm trying to get across.

I told my IC about this and how I felt bad. She said “of course, it is natural you still have feelings for OM. If you feel you need to check on him to feel ok don’t worry about it.”

Ok so you are working in IC to clear yourself of the mess you were in and the IC says this. I'd say that was all the validation you needed to know that it was OK.

My first time through dealing with my W's A we went to MC and got bad advice. But I did not know better and listened. That bad advice helped us get down the road to more troubles and the A restarting.

Yes they were your choices, you were seeking help with choices you were bad at making and got bad help IMO. Damn that is hard for your BS. I hope he can find his way through it.

So I would check in with OM when in my online game- first to see if he was “ok”

What motivated you to do that?

Example -- did you want to know if he was "ok" because you cared about him and his feelings or did you want to know if he missed you or was mad at you?

The weird thing is- although I was talking to him again- I still felt like I had “chosen” my BS. Like I was playing along with OM to make him feel better.

Why was it important to you that he to feel better? Were you avoiding conflict or avoiding disappointing him? They can be related -- people pleasing.

Just throwing some questions our there to get you thinking.

Dixie- pleasing for sure. Since I was very young it has been my "job" to take care of everyone in the family. During that time I felt like a tornado devastating everything around me. Including the OP.

It might help to know OPs job is in mental health (told me he was a therapist- long story) so he was great at undermining my belief in attempting R as well as playing on my guilt over hurting him.

It just kills me that even after seeing what the November day did to BH I put OPs needs over BHs even for a moment!

We saw a MC for the first time two days after the December day. I told him my concern for OP and he said "why do you care?". It was like the fog lifted. Why did I care? I owed him nothing. I had never been his. He always knew I was married.

Of course, by then the damage was done. I just wish I could give BH a better explanation than "then fog". He deserves everything I can give on this. He always has.

WishingForLethe

I have trouble with the "fog" being this natural event that happens during and after an A. To me, it is just a shorthand way of saying "when ___ had his head up his butt" or, more eloquently, when a WS is operating from a an unhealthy place. (BS's can have fog too- or at least I did). I don't think there is some mystical process by which one fogs or unfogs.

As to why you continued to contact AP, you were going back to get another hit. It felt good and it provided a little boost. And you didn't think about the consequences to yourself or to your BS.

BTW, I hope your not still seeing that IC. She obviously doesn't have a good grasp of the dynamics of an A or its aftermath.

Fog is not an "excuse." It's the way your mind was operating at the time. It doesn't justify anything, it isn't your "why," it isn't anything other than what it is...a damaged, dangerous, hurtful and selfish though process. The fog lifts when you choose to see yourself for what you are and fix what you don't like.

Your "why" and the reason for your fog are not going to provide your BS with any answers or clear direction. Figuring those things out will only help you to fix yourself.

Good luck

LRH

Fog = selfish thinking = cake eating = gambling = Calculated risk

When you do something that you know is wrong you try to justify it, you know there are potential risks/consequences and you either accept the risks and engage in the behaviour or you do not because the risks/consequences aren't bad enough to stop you.

The things you tell yourself before, after and during the "bad behaviour" are just semantics IMO.

I do not agree in the "FOG" it seems like a medical condition (which it is not) cake eating or fence sitting feel a little more accurate, while making a conscious decision to engage in bad behaviour is the most realistic to me.

A saying I have read on here many times, if taken to heart, and put into use in everyday life would stop many of the poor decisions made in life before you make them....."Integrity is doing what is right, even when no one is watching"

From what my WW tells me, breaking the cycle of sneakiness, lies and deceit can be difficult....good luck.