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So we received a malicious email sent from an phoney email account we suspect to be the OM to my BH.

We dealt with this well together.

But then I spent the next 2 days tracking through everything I'd one an said throughout the A. It's no secret that I hate rerunning the events in my head, but I know this is necessary to figure stuff out to ensure the R can happen.

I didn't want to OM to have any power over us with information my BH doesn't have. So this morning my BH asked me the very same thing. I told him something new. Another TT. I hate myself right now.

I wrote another NC letter the day after I'd emailed one. I'd also emailed my BH friends and family and told them that I apologised to them to the way I'd treated BH. I promised that I'd by working to R with BH.

Why did I write another one. I re-read the email and it sounded stilted and false. Like someone else could have written it for me from my account. It was written by me, but I thought there was a chance the OM would think it was forced (like my first one ) so ignore it. So I "thought" it best to follow up with one hand written and written in a tone that was more like "me".

I meant it as a more believable NC. At the time I thought it'd work better. In the fog I always thought I knew better.

Fact: writing an NC letter without my BH knowing or seeing was stupid and wrong.

Fact: including flowery shit phrases like "I love you but I have to stop this A and try and make my marriage work." is useless in NC. The fact that I wrote "What we have done to BH was thoughtless, wrong and deceitful." will have been irrelevent in his eyes I suspect - I know now he'll only have read the bits he wanted.

Fact: It's no surprise that he will have taken this NC letter as a message for him (OM) to "back off for a while to comply with the make an effort thing and then I can have a crack at seeing if she's ready to come to me."

Fact: I didnt know better.

Fact: I was a selfish cow who has rocked the corner stone our R was based on, thus undermining all the R so far.

Fact: I TT'd him AGAIN. Having written on here about how bad TT is. I had buried this away lumped as "NC established".

Fact: All I've shown him is that I'm incapable of telling him the truth.

Fact: I love him. I know I was "infatuated" and not in love with the OM. I know my actions then we destructive and hurtful. I know I showed only loyalty to the OM, not my BH. I know this all the contact I have had with OM. I have maintain NC since that date and have received NC from that date. I want to make my M work. I NEVER want to be here again. I NEVER want anything or anyone be able to come between us again.

Fact: I've fucked up.

I hope he comes home tonight.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 2:29 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

Fact:

Consuming your mind and time with the AP is bringing him back into the M.

Fact:

What the AP thinks, how your NC letter came across, etc doesn't matter. What matters is YOU working on YOUR M with YOUR H.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and don't reply to the AP ANYMORE. Delete the email account as well (after you've shown everything to your BH.)

stop beating yourself up.

Do you really think after having an affair, that you could make the end of the A perfect for LH?

that you can go from foggy WW to sending a form letter?

You fucked Up and should have told him.

We see it all the time here. Remorseful WS regrets that their last words to OP were flowery or leading.

there is no such thing as "the right way" to end an A.

So, as MY BH says : stop dwelling.

You can't undo the past.

You should delete the email account.

and for Gods sake, don't either of you contact OP. He sounds like a psycho.

IGNORE until he just doenst matter anymore.

Why didn't you tell your BH about that second letter before he asked you?

Why were you able to lock that memory away until the OM started contacting you again? Or was it really ever locked away and maybe you were just avoiding it once you realized it was the wrong thing to do?

I'm not saying this about you, but about the situation in general...it isn't surprising. Another d-day, some more TT, that one last thing. It just isn't surprising. So now is maybe your last chance of digging in and doing that last little bit of work to figure our your why.

Close all lines of access to the OM. Get everything out once and for all (if there is anything left) and be done. Once and for all.

I had read both your's and your husband's recent posts about the crappy e-mail you had received and thought that something just didn't add up.

The way and why it was sent made me first think that your involvement with the other man was more than "just" emotional and that your commitment and encouragement to him was cemented by something very physical. This latest revelation really doesn't remove that thought and I bet your husband is back to square one thinking the same thing.

Most people know the right, good and smart things to do before they do them. The worst thing to do is to keep doing wrong, stupid and bad things. If your affair was more than just kissing and "I love yous" now is the time to do the right thing.

It's just going keep getting harder and eventually your husband will become insensitive to you because he keeps getting wacked on the head by the wrong stupid and bad things you've done.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Thanks for the replies.

SLH: The email wasn't sent to me it was to my BH and deleting the account won't help as due to his business he is easily contactable as am I.

I'm not spending any time figuring out the AP's actions. I couldn't give a shit about him, I just twigged that the last contact from me at the start of Dec was this letter from me, and can see why now we have contact from the OM.

I didn't mean to appear feeling sorry for myself - I'm angry at myself so not telling him about the letter at the time...or frankly ANY time before now. I'm also trying to admit I was wrong and this was and is NO EXCUSE for not telling my BH this before now. :(

I have been NC since this start of Dec and have NO INTEReST in starting contact again with the OM.

MrsP: thanks for the words of support.

Baxters: I'd honestly dustbinned the whole NC thing together as email and letter and not thought as individual contacts. That is pathetic. I didn't tell him at the time because I was scared of what he'd say.

I knew in my heart of hearts I should add anythign to the email. I've been thinking about what you said (and others) as to examining the reasons WHY is felt the need to send it. I admit to the worst things - I didn't want to be seen as a "badf person" in the OM's eyes and was trying to "soften the blow". Both things ahow loyalty to OM and none to my BH. I did not want him waiting in the sidelines so to speak for me as a fallback to have if R didn't work. I knew what I was doing was a one way ticket, which is why I have had no further contact.

I believed at the time the "foggy bullshit" as LH says that the letter would re-emphasise the email. I also admit that that is obviously foggy bullshit and I cannot move forward letting that be the reason why.

I have been reviweng my actions within the A over the last few monbths to try and understand my reasons behind these actions. I have not given any thought to the end of the A. I knew that what I was doing (sending this final letter) was wrong and my BH would not approve. I ignored it at the time, and avoiding thinking about this area I had boxed it away until the memory came flooding back after I went through and through my actions and contacts at the end of the A in light of receiving this new email. As soon as I relived this area I KNEW I coudn't hide it away again and had to confess this to my BH.

I knew he'd be devastated, but still had to say. I only wish I had the guts to tell him before.

Twosadthings: I can understand your post fully. I would feel the same in the BS position. I didn't have seual relations with the OM. It was and EA that turned PA by kissing only and that's when we were caught. I strongly believe the worst part of the A was the continued lying and deception by staying in contact from anther 6 weeks that was the greatest of all the damage.

I know he has no reason to believe me and I have now just re-emphasised this point. :(

He's a good man who deserves nothing but respect, love and honesty. I hope we can work through this too.

Fact: including flowery shit phrases like "I love you but I have to stop this A and try and make my marriage work." is useless in NC.

As a BS, if I had seen IN WRITING my WH say 'I love you but (blah blah blah)' I would have felt like a horse just kicked me in the chest. What an awful experience that has to be for your BH.

I do not mean this disrespectfully, so please don't interpret it this way: it seems to me that you are trying to save yourself, whereas your true focus if you really want to R should be on your BH and his needs. I know that establishing NC cannot be easy, but it is the VERY LEAST that needs doing. Not just 'physical' NC (where you don't meet him or communicate with him in any way), but also MENTAL NC, where you stop thinking about him, stop wondering what he thinks about you, stop trying to be a 'good person' to him.

It hurts very deeply that a WS can show greater loyalty to the OP than to their own BS. Stop twisting the knife.

OktoberMest,

Are you really sure that it was locked away so easily? It was only a three or four months ago.

There have been a couple things that my BW uncovered which I had put out of my mind by the time she brought them up. But there was still a period of time where I did remember it, but didn't tell her. Then time passes, and, Whoops! there it is staring me in the face.

You were foggy, you were scared, fresh out of the A and all. NC is a shock to the system.

What made you forget it? How did you manage to keep it boxed of for as long as you did? Why do you box things up?

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 8:31 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

I ignored it at the time, and avoiding thinking about this area I had boxed it away until the memory came flooding back after I went through and through my actions and contacts at the end of the A in light of receiving this new email. As soon as I relived this area I KNEW I coudn't hide it away again and had to confess this to my BH.

Is it possible that your coming clean was not the result of the introspection you describe, but fear that the OM's next move would be to forward a copy of that letter to your BH?

Is it possible that your coming clean was not the result of the introspection you describe, but fear that the OM's next move would be to forward a copy of that letter to your BH?

I wonder this too. Oktober honestly, how to you "forget" (or box away) a flowery NC letter? There is no way on God's green earth to forget that when it's only been 3-4 months. Other than a hard blow to the head with a cinder-block. Our Ddays are very close and I still remember many, many details.

I pm'd you

Well for starters you can stop calling the second e-mail a NC email. You know it wasn't anything like that. It was a "layaway, save for later" link to him.

It wasn't "foggy bullshit". You knew what you were doing and now so does your husband.

OktoberMest, you didn't forget and as you've been writing out these paragraphs of introspection of the past you kept a vital piece out.

You've said repeatedly your BH is a good man and worthy of honesty and respect. You've continued to give him neither knowing the OM had more honesty from you than your BH did.

Fuck ups don't cover things like this. This was something you've actively held "safe" since d day making everything you've said and done since then a lie.

I don't think you need to dig into your "why's" with this one. You know why you did it. You need to think very hard whether you really are capable of giving your BH what he's deserved from day one from this day forward. If so then fucking do it.

You know I am a WW as are you, I am also a BS as well.

I am going to be very honest here. When my H did his first NC phone call he told her he was sorry and I flipped over that. Let alone an I love you, but....

You knew exactly what you were doing. You weren't trying to keep him from waiting for you, you wanted him TO wait for you and that is exactly what he is doing. And that is what has you so terrified. That your plan has worked a little better than you thought. Better decide what you want pretty quick. Your H doesn't deserve this. Get honest with yourself. Do you really want this M?

[This message edited by tired girl at 10:34 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

It hurts very deeply that a WS can show greater loyalty to the OP than to their own BS. Stop twisting the knife.

^ Todays topic of pain and disbelief. Just can't wrap my loyalty brain around a waywards ego and selfishness to protect their 'integrity' by giving the affair partner such an easy loving let-down. The affair partner is just as guilty in the ego stroking sneaky lies and deceit. Scary stuff when they actually feel themselves 'betrayed'. Then start acting out. Often with frightening consequences.

No advice really but it is harassment. I just hope it stops so that the two of you can get through this mess with some peace. The process is hard enough to deal with.

Oktober,

you've said before that 'this wasnt you','im not her anymore' or something along those lines...

i really think this is a poor way to move forward.

this was you, you are her. i dont think its possible to just erase a chunk of yourself like that. sounds to much like denial to me.

the alternative is to accept and learn to integrate this side of you as part of the whole. be cognizant of it, work with it, learn from it, and find ways to sublimate it.

denying its existance IMO, wont end well.

I get the point of the 2x4s. I get that I deserved the from keeping this from him.

it seems to me that you are trying to save yourself,

This WAS true. It's not now. This action I did months ago. I didn't save myself by hiding it. I did the opposite and kicked BH in the nuts at the same time.

I spend no time breaking mental NC. I only seem to think about the AP when he is brought up in coversation by my BH or me as relative to our healing. I do NOT harbour any wish to think of him fondly, he has shown himself to be exceptionally malicious. No shock to anyone else, but a reality check for me as the WS. He is not special nor is he different from any other AP that thought trying to start a relationship with MOW was ok.

I am capable of giving everything to save my M. I am working myself and having been working hard to help him. I get all of that is negated by keeping this shit from him.

Why did I still keep it? Because of somethings others have mentioned. I was minimising still and protecting myself.

I have recognised and admitted that there were underlying reasons for the letter.

I do NOT want to keep him on the back burner. I want nothing further to do with the AP. There was no reality there.

My focus is on my BH. I hate that he has been destroyed by my shit actions again. I am well aware of how damaging leaving this out has been.

I can't go back and tell him 4 months ago. I wish I could. I can only try and start again.

I was scared that the OM will progress to using anything he has to hurt the OM. This did make me go through it all again in my head and gave me the final push to confess this. I didn't want him having power over us and NOW I'm able to recognise that this last contact was another thing he had that the BH didn't. I was not able to recognise that until very recently. Tragic, but true.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, I know I deserve the anger I'm seeing and hearing and I'm trying to receive it as positively as I can to work my way out of the disaster I've created for my BH again.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 11:14 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

BS here. Not very much advice to offer here. But as a BS I do know that EA or kissing or little interactions that a WS has with OP are like a slap in the face compared to the instances of showing more loyalty to the OP than to your spouse. These are more like a mule kick to the chest. I think the transfer of loyalty is what ultimately can doom a marriage. That is what effectively changed me and my marriage forever.

It sounds like your H may be the same and feels like he is back to square 1. That is a heck of a hole to keep digging out of, and you won't get too many more chances.

I wish you all the best.

Ok. You say you can only try again. So what are you going to do? How are you going to reassure your BS? What steps are you going to take to help your BS? And yourself? You must be proactive. You have broken NC THREE times. And each time you told your BS you were done with OM,you wouldnt contact OM. And you did. He is going to have a very,very difficult time being able to believe you this time. You need to dig deep and figure out how you are going to move forward from this.

I didnt know better.

yes you did..

I must say that you are very fortunate to have a BH who loves you so much. Not many would put up with continued deception on multiple accounts.

I would hope that you too could be as forgiving. He is angry and deserves to be..what counts now is what you do from this point forward.

As you know there is no excuse for dishonesty after pledging to be honest and forthright after infidelity.

The other posters have given you quite a bit to acknowledge..

But I ask you this..

What would give LH any other reason to truly trust you at this point?