SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have this picture of me when I was four. I am standing next to my bed in a red ballet leotard and I am smiling...I am innocent, untouched.

Yesterday in therapy my therapist challenges me and forces me to get out of my head-stop intellectualizing-and just really feel what it felt to be that 4 year old girl.

And for a moment I don't think about the memories. I FEEL them. I remember the anger and disgust in my mother's eyes when she threw a glass of water at me and it hit my bed frame instead of my face. I remember feeling confused. Why was she so angry at me? Why did she want to hurt me? I remember feeling scared that my father would come in and hit me again. Why was I so bad? What did I do? Why don't they love me?

And I come to the sad realization that I have never felt loved. I have never felt worthy of love. I have always believed that I didn't deserve love. And because of this I have let others disrespect me, use me. And the more I let them abuse me the less worthy I felt. Because of this I have built a wall around my heart. Because of this I did not believe my H when he showed me love. How could he possibly love me?

And so in an attempt to stay inside my wall-to stay safe-I pushed him away-for years. And then in the ultimate act of cruelty and rejection I destroyed our M and his heart. For this I don't know how I will ever forgive myself.

And yet, like an angel, he reaches for me again. He shows me what true love is. He shows me what it means to love and be loved. And this time-for the first time-I reach back. I am trembling. I am terrified. The warm soft feelings of love fill my heart and for a moment I think, maybe I do deserve this? It is a slow step-a hesitant step but one that I will keep on taking. Because this man makes me want to be a better person, because this man is giving me a beautiful gift.

And everyday I will love him with everything I have.

Let go of the fear and accept the love.

You are worth it and you deserve it. And your H loves you very much.

Embrace it. And trust it.

Your H is giving you R because he believes in you. You need to believe in yourself as well.

You can do this

You ARE worth it! It is strange how many things in our lives we accept that just were NOT ok- often things that we let determine our self worth whether we knew it or not. I know through my IC I have found myself facing so many memories which I thought were "fine." But once I felt them- as you did- I realized they were in NO way fine and in many ways I was still acting out responses to them.

How wonderful to have someone who values the progress you are making and who can help you change your life script. I am happy for you both.

Yesterday in therapy my therapist challenges me and forces me to get out of my head-stop intellectualizing-and just really feel what it felt to be that 4 year old girl.

My IC frequently does this to me, except I imagine myself as an 8-year old little boy standing in the front yard of our old house. That barrier just seems to stand up against so much. It's been there for a lifetime.

this post.....

just turned my thought process around...

and very possibly saved my marriage.....

thank you

((Lost333)

It sounds like we had similar experiences growing up. Your post made me cry

Yesterday in therapy my therapist challenges me and forces me to get out of my head-stop intellectualizing-and just really feel what it felt to be that 4 year old girl.

I always have an extremely hard time doing this. My wall is thick...it forced me to 'not feel' even during my affair. Slowly I too am breaking through that wall.....slowly because I am afraid if I go too fast my world will implode.

(((Lost333)))

Long Gone-

thank you....i would love to hear more of your story, i will look for your threads.

I think a lot of us learn not to feel, to build walls, to rationalize and to accept less than what we deserve. So when someone comes along that is different, we can't believe it.

Thank you all for your hugs and support. This is and will be one of the most painful journeys I and my H will have to go through but I am glad that we have others to walk with us through it.

I think a lot of us learn not to feel, to build walls, to rationalize and to accept less than what we deserve

So true. It hurts me to know that others had to endure the type of of pain I did.

I literally have been breaking down after reading your post...not sure why. It caused me to think about some horrible times growing up and re-visit some therapy sessions when I finally 'came clean' about things that happened. I think about how, even through the worst of it, I was able to act as though nothing was wrong to the outside world. Heck, even to the 'inside' world so to speak. I think about being 'given something to cry about' if I showed any sort of negative emotion about anything that happened to me. I think about how that molded me, how 'flat' I have been my entire life. How deep I was able to compartmentalize.

Wishing you and your BH the best in reconciliation and you the best in the journey of self discovery. Infidelity, finally (and not right away) has been the path for me to actually feel deeply for maybe the first time. I wrote an email to someone on here about how it is hard for me to think others are 'judging' me for being so dramatic/feeling/emotional about my recovery, my feelings, etc. But, I don't care. I can't hide behind that wall forever and as they say 'you can't heal what you don't feel'....and me not feeling for 33 years is what brought me to an affair so I have some serious feeling to do :-).

Ok, time to compose myself for the evening. Thank you for your post.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 4:07 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

helpemegetoverit-

i told my therapist i wanted to cry but couldn't. he asked me why? I realize because I was also told, "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about". To this day it is difficult for me to cry in the presence of other adults, especially those older than me.

(((Lost333)))

Thank you so much for your post. I have been un able to hold back my tears for the last hour after reading it.

I hope and pray that I can offer my beautiful, loving, yet got screwed up along the way, wife the full forgiveness that she so desperately wants but does not dare to hope for. She waits daily for the shoe to drop when I say I can't do this, you are too wretched for me, there is someone else better.

She asks how can you ever love me after what I have shown myself to be. She is scared that my outreached hand will pull back at the last minute.

I love her. I had forgotten how much. Deep in my heart I may have forgiven her already when one evening I saw her face when I brought her flowers. She thought I was going to tell her to pack her bags. I hope that I can be strong when she has been so weak.

I am terrified of my heart hardening. I pray every day to keep it full of compassion.

MC_Jack-

I love her. I had forgotten how much. Deep in my heart I may have forgiven her already when one evening I saw her face when I brought her flowers. She thought I was going to tell her to pack her bags. I hope that I can be strong when she has been so weak.

This is beautiful. I'm sure your W would like to hear it. It doesn't seem like your heart is hardening....

(((Lost333))) It's scary because you're feeling things you've never felt before because it wasn't safe. So many of us have dealt with this same pain- you're not alone! But every little success, every little victory makes you stronger. Don't focus on where you want to be in 5 years... just focus on living in this five minutes.

Good luck- we're all pulling for you.

Lost.....

I am a betrayed....husband that is.

It sounded word for word what my wife has been telling me for the past 17 months....i refused to let it sink in. I have called the game on the count of me being so jaded.....maybe there is hope....maybe....I don't know

Lost,

As Fallen said, there are many here that have walked this path that you now walk.

I remember the first time I recounted some of the things from my childhood to my IC, it was said in a very matter of fact way. Flat as helpmegetoverit said. She looked at me and made me do almost the same thing your IC did, she made me stop and feel it. I very nearly couldn't take it. It had been buried for so long.

You can do this, it is the path to a better place. Hugs. It is not always easy, I do feel it is always worth it.

TG

Lost333, you have touched on pretty much the most significant issue for all of us here. The need to go back into our childhood and recall the experiences through the eyes of the child we were at that age. So painful. So alone. So much fear and sadness. Feeling it and coming to terms with the shame we felt for what we interpreted as being unlovable or unworthy.

Why was I so bad? What did I do? Why don't they love me?

Heartbreaking. But that is exactly what a child does. Internalize the hurt. Blame themselves. And hard wire a concept of their worth. As adults we can look back and see how damaged our parents were, how it wasn't our fault, intellectualize, tuck it away and move on. But it is a smoke screen and an avoidance of the painful feelings. And it dictates everything. The child's hardwiring wins over the adult logic every time. No contest.

Inner Child and Grief work helped me more than any book or therapy I have tried. It was very difficult. I was shocked at how angry and hurt I was down deep. But you have to reconnect to those buried feelings, to allow them to surface, to be angry and to grieve for that child in you. And only then can your adult self wrap arms around that child and be the one to love you, protect you, and never leave you. It is very self nurturing, self love work.

You are worth loving. You do deserve the warm soft feelings of love.

MC_Jack - incredibly beautiful. You have a kind and compassionate heart. You seem too aware of the bigger picture here to let you heart harden. Still honor your feelings as much as hers though.

I think what has made this harder for me is to look at my own (wonderful) kids and think about what i was going through at that age. By age 3 I remember hovering in a corner in a ball being kicked and beat...3. 3!!! And honestly, this is just the small parts I have no completely blocked out. I look at my own three year old...so innocent. So cute. What could ANY child do to deserve that? Nothing.

As adults we can look back and see how damaged our parents were, how it wasn't our fault, intellectualize, tuck it away and move on.

This is what I did. Actually what I do with everything...I can logically rationalize it all out. In this example, I get that it was broken-ness that caused her to inflict the pain on others. I get it. Logically I saw that she had changed and basically tried to wash it all away...that was over, I moved on. Only I didn't.

Thanks again for the post, it's made me realize I have some further work in this area to do. I find it hard to do, so I tend to focus on other areas of my 'why' as this part (to me) isn't directly related to why I had an affair (but does come into play obviously).

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 6:56 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Yes, I started to do some inner child work a couple years ago and then pulled back-it hit a very sensitive cord.

I can't give up this time. The cost is too high.

Hugs to all of our inner children.