SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here, so please forgive me as I adjust to the norms of the board. I came here because I have been having an A for the past near 4 months, which was discovered by my BS one month ago. he bulk of the A took place over text and phone/Skype, with us having 4 physical encounters. The A was discovered right as it was peaking, while the emotions and intensity (and denial) were at an all time high. My reaction to being caught was one of anger at feeling forced to end it, coupled with a strong desire to try and figure out how to hold onto it anyway possible, including more lies, and decpetion. We were both married, and the investment was strong on both sides. So I continued to lie and tell BS there was NC, but there was (fake FB/email/pay-as-you-go phone, etc). During this past month of false R, my BS started a retaliation A, and has developed feelings for this OW. My AP has left his wife w/in the past 2 weeks and is starting to figure out how to rebuild his life and have a relationship with his kids. Clearly, he needs time alone to work these important issues through and has begun to talk about needing space to figure things out. That being said, he wants me in his life, but in a much lighter version.

So here I am, the fog is beginning to lift, and I'm coming to the realization that I have destroyed my marriage, served as a vehicle for someone else to get out of theirs, and am now devastated but what I have created for myself and my family.

BS told me today he is going to speak with a lawyer tomorrow. Guess he needs to do this for himself. I have begun to recognize that I do not want to move forward with D without seeing if there's anyway we can repair our terribly damaged marriage. I began IC, and he is starting IC at the end of this week. I suggested MC today, but he said he wasn't ready. I feel like one month from the time of discovery of my A to filing for D is a huge rush, but I know he probably feels the need to be in control and find some kind of resolution. I am hurt and angry by his RA and stunned by his rushed/impulsive actions in the aftermath. He, of course, views his A as much different than mine.

I know true R means ending the A (or what's left of it) for real and initating NC. But I otherwise don't know what to do right now. I told BS I wanted to see what we could do, if we could fix this. He is doubtful, but said he was glad I said it. Heck, I think he was glad I said ANYTHING as I have been so shut down and disconnected for the past few weeks. I'm very confused and emotional and the feelings of guilt, remorse, and self-loathing have begun to set in. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to be so used, used someone else, and jeopardized my marriage like this.

Hi...

It sounds like alot of betrayel that has happened on both sides.

Is your H going to end his affair? If he acknowledged that you asked to try and work things out...where does that leave his A?

Is MC a possibility for you both?

((((thegooddokta))))

So sorry that you are at the starting stages of experiencing those awful feelings that flood in once you snap out of the fog. Staring at accountability is no picnic.

What snapped you of the fog? Was it the RA? The reality of getting attorneys involved?

He's in his own fog. Hopefully IC will help you both. If you can, be gentle with yourself and with him even though emotions are running high right now.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

You say he is having an RA. If he is doing it openly, I don't consider it an RA. Instead, I think it is a sign the A was a deal breaker for him and he is moving on.

sounds ot me like your H wants to feel wanted. you need to fight for this, if it is what you want.

he's communicating with this OW to get back at you- PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

it sounds like you're not totally over your short-lived affair, either. as you put it " A was discovered right as it was peaking." you seem to be bummed it didn't "take-off" like you were expecting. This is something to be discussed in IC.

although i do not agree with your husband engaging in a supposed RA, this reaction not out of the norm...his ego has taken a major hit. he feels he needs to reclaim it.

I'm going to agree with Bobby_sue and your BH also. You had an affair. He was faithful prior to that. He is seeing a lawyer and moving on. What you are calling his affair is his new beginning. It wasn't hidden. Its out in the open. Maybe he should have waited some time but you tore him down by having an A. He was trying to regain some of his manhood. I can understand his actions. I was tempted to do it myself.

If you want to save your marriage you have to end your A and go NC with the OM. You can't reconcile while you are still keeping OM on the hook.

I was tempted to do it myself

You mean you were going to have a 2nd affair after you had already cheated on your then (now wife)fiance?

I don't want to take attention off the thread... My apologies if my comment distracts

You mean you were going to have a 2nd affair after you had already cheated on your then (now wife)fiance?

I thought about it. I didn't do anything. I was just trying to explain her BH response. It was just a gut reaction. I didn't stoop to that extent but it was something that seemed like it would be satisfying. I didn't cheat again and took no steps in that direction. But I totally understand her BH'd decision to do so.

He, of course, views his A as much different than mine.

It's not. Each A is a separate and distinct act of betrayal. He may have been hurt by your A, but just like you, he had other, healthier options for dealing with his pain.

One of the difficulties of being a madhatter (someone who wears both the BS and WS hats) is that while owning your own A and abiding by the rules for rebuilding as a WS, you have to insist on your rights as a BS as well.

Despite what the other posters have said about your H's A meaning your betrayal was a dealbreaker and that's why he wants to D, it is just as likely that he is in his own A-fog and doesn't want to face the consequences of his own actions as a WS.

I haven't dealt with this double role so I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but there are plenty of folks here who have better insight and can offer you support.

It might help if you read the madhatter supporter thread in the "I Can Relate" forum and if you read through the "Just Found Out" forum as well. You can't post in JFO because of your WS status, but you do need to be aware of how to handle things as a BS as well.

Welcome to SI, thegooddokta. Despite being the club no one ever wants to join, this is a wonderful place to grow and heal.

Trying to end A? If you really want to move toward R you WILL end the A. That means NC with the OM.

As for your H's A, he has to end that for R. He may or may not be willing to do that.

Both of you would have to own your actions and your A and work towards R.

Unfortunatly BS who have RA tend to justify it because of the original A and it seems hard to get past that hurdle.

Unfortunatly BS who have RA tend to justify it because of the original A and it seems hard to get past that hurdle.

Quoted for truth. This is exactly what happened with my H & I. As you'll see in my signature, I had an 11 month EA/PA; 3 weeks after DDay, I discovered my H texting another woman. The texts were extremely sexual in nature, pictures were exchanged, etc. When confronted, the first thing out of his mouth was "Oh this is rich. You fuck someone else for 11 months & I'm dealing with it; I text someone a few times & it's the end of the world." It took A LOT to get over that hurdle. For quite awhile there was no discussing his A b/c each time I'd try, it would become a "YOURS WAS WORSE!!!" situation. I don't believe in the whole "you had a PA, that's worse than an EA" thing..each come with their own pain.

I have gotten off track, I apologize. Welcome thegooddokta, I'm glad you've found us here. Like another poster mentioned, "trying to end A" right now equals complete NC with the OM. I have a question & no disrespect intended; do you think you've not gone NC with OM because of your H's RA? Meaning, perhaps you're holding onto OM in case your H does leave? I ask because I did that for awhile. I had NC with xOM for several weeks, but right after I discovered my H's EA, I reestablished contact with xOM. It was a mess.

Bottom line is right now, YOU can control your actions, so you must go NC with OM & go from there.

You'll find a lot of wisdom here, so please keep posting (((hugs)))

Thanks everyone for your feedback and sharing about your experiences. I agree, NC needs to be initated immediately, and I am shocked by how terrifying the thought of this is to me. As is, the current level of communication is minimal, but that seems academic at this point, its still a connection.

I was particularly impacted by your feedback Starysky. Yes, if I'm being honest, I do think I hesitate about NC because I am uncertain what BH will do about agreeing to reconcile, or about having NC wiht his AP. I feel like this is becoming a case of "you go first", with both of us waiting to see if the other will cut ties and devote themselves to working on the marriage. I have asked him to go to MC with me, and at first he said "I'm not opposed to it", but then when I said I would schedule it, he said no. He's starting IC tomorrow, and I already started, so hopefully that's a place to begin.

I do not want my old marriage back. I was lonely and unhappy there and vulnerable to someone else's attention, which I willingly drank up. I don't want to be that way again and want to work on a new and better marriage. I proposed this, but now he needs to decide if he wants that do. So much damage done :(

So thanks everyone for the welcome. I will be here daily, taking suggestions, sharing how I'm struggling, and seeking/giving support.

Please do your children and your AP's children a favor by staying out of his life completely. Go no contact with him...and never break that...even if you and/or he divorces.

thegooddokta,

Level of communication doesn't matter, as you already know. I would bet your mental contact is not minimal.

The "you go first" situation I think really shows the trust issues you both have now, not just with each other, but with yourself. Forget about your WH here for a second...just look at your own situation. If things don't work out with your WH, do you really want to be a person who couldn't leave without a backup plan? Meaning OM?

Whether you R or not, you need to leave OM. In fact, you need to leave him in order to remain on SI. That is one of the site rules.

But you need to leave/go NC for yourself. How many relationships work out after an A? Next to none. But, more importantly, if things were so bad in the M that you don't want it back (I get what you're saying BTW), then do you really need to have the excuse of the OM to make that decision? Thoughts like that are one of the main things that let me know I was full of shit when it came to my own difficulties in going NC with MOW.

If you do R, you won't have the same M. You will never go back to that.

Putting all of this together, you are at a point where you need to take that leap of faith, for yourself. You go NC, you go all in with R, and you don't worry about where the endpoint is.

As to the try thing..."Do, or do not. There is not try." - I challenge you to say those words out loud without imitating the Yoda voice.

I agree, NC needs to be initated immediately, and I am shocked by how terrifying the thought of this is to me.

You are not just a wandering wife to a betrayed spouse, but the other woman to another betrayed spouse.

You've got plenty of good reasons to overcome the fear. Send a no contact letter and end that part of this thing. You owe it to yourself, your husband and the betrayed wife.

That is actually the EASY part.

The long hard slog to healing is the really tough stuff. You need to put the "easy" part behind you and get to work on the harder parts.

best luck

I agree, NC needs to be initated immediately, and I am shocked by how terrifying the thought of this is to me.

This is normal thegooddokta, it really is. I went through a time of serious xOM withdrawal when I finally went NC for good to the point I was curled up in a ball, sobbing to my H (how sick is that?). It IS terrifying, but necessary & as each day goes by, it becomes so much easier. Give yourself the best chance even if that means changing your phone #, closing any "secret" email accounts, blocking from any other email accounts that you can't close, blocking/leaving any social networking sites where you had communication with OM on (FB, Twitter, Skype!!). Post here or journal when you feel the need to contact OM; I did that a lot & it helped me more than I can say.

How are things going so far? Any progress with your BH?

[This message edited by starrysky at 9:31 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

I sincerely appreciate the comments and feedback. BH continues to say he doesn't know what he wants to do. He starts IC today, but continues to say no to MC (which frustrates me). At least we are talking now and I am doing my best to answer his questions about my A and to hear him discuss his. This is a painful process and I feel like I might be TTing somewhat out of fear. Its hard to put all my cards on the table without knowing if he's going to R with me, or move forward with D. He says he feels excited about the idea of being on his own, that he went right from living with his mother, to living with me a decade ago, and thinks it might be good for him to be independent. He says he does not think he can heal if he stays with me. It has only been 5 weeks since D day, so I'm angry with his all-or-nothing approach to this crisis. I feel like we are in a holding pattern.

OM and I had a long break up talk and agreed to end our relationship. I was floored by how crushingly painful this was for me. Going home and not showing my grief was so hard. BH is asking for transparency and wants to know about all secret accounts, etc. I remain guarded about discussing these things when he continues to debate whether or not he wants to work on things. I fear the more I tell him, the more he will want to D. I would rather be in counseling with him and have a safe place to divugle my wrongdoings. The shame I feel when he asks me questions is unreal and my continued knee-jerk reaction is to lie and protect myself. This is not a good way to begin the R process and I wish he would just agree to MC so our talks can be more productive and structured.

BTW, can anyone tell me when I will ever feel like eating again???? lol.

Ah...you're on the infidelity diet.

As to the long break-up talk, that wasn't the best choice. Now you will have fond memories of letting your "love" go. Insert whatever word you want in place of love...

That event should have consisted of "I love my husband and am sorry for the pain I inflicted on him. I am working on my marriage. Do not ever contact me again."

Oh, and the rest of the stuff, about resisting transparency and lying, that is called trickle truth (TT) and that will kill your marriage for good. Be open and honest. Commit or get out.