SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So the end of this week has been bad. Very, very bad. I initiated breaking it off with OM and felt I was making good progress in re-committing myself to marriage. I had been opening up more and more to BH, despite how humiliating it was. Yesterday, I received a call from my doctor informing me that I had an STD. I was mortified. Although I had been with both BH and OM, I was certain I got it from OM. I called OM to tell him, which was hard to do, but he needed to know. His response to me was hostile, defensive, and even abusive. He shouted at me, accused me of being a liar through our entire affair, that he was hurt that he left his wife but I didn't leave my husband, etc, etc. I was shocked and devastated by the intense anger he threw out me. Of course, this confirmed for me that he had lied, and had been with others. I don't know why it comes to a shock to me that the man who was lying to his spouse and left her when his A was discovered, was actually lying to me as well and sleeping with others. He told me I was dead to him and hung up on me. I am actually grateful for this in many ways, because I was able to see who he really was. Not the fantasy I had created, but a real selfish person who had taken me hostage and used me as a vehicle to get out of his marriage. Anything I thought was real over the past 4 months was a facade. It makes me angry and I'm very hurt, but its the best realization I could come to. I never want to speak with him again. Unfortunately, I had to tell BH about the STD because it is unclear if he was exposed. Needless to say, he was livid. I never heard him like that. He told me he hated me, and wanted a divorce.

I have been reaching out to him, maybe too much, begging him to not divorce and to work with me on R. I have offered up full disclosure of everything, and endured giving him the password to a secret email account and letting him read messages and see photos. It was beyond humilating to allow him to see those things and I felt ashamed of what I had been saying to OM. The worst part is BH could see that I maintained contact with OM after I had told him I didn't. So evidence of me being a liar was once again found. Although some of the messages were pretty tame and mostly just chat, some were quite naughty and BH was disgusted all the same. He got very angry at the recency of the information and once again indicated "I'm divorcing you". Then he changed the password on my secret email account so that only he had access to it. I totally freaked out!! I was afraid he would use it against me. I told him that I would happily delete the account, which was my preference, but that he could not keep that information. He got mad once again and said he no longer wanted to talk to me. I deleted secret FB, deleted him from Skype, and no longer have any secret links to him. I still have a secret phone that BH now knows about and have left texts and a voice mail on it for him to see/hear if he choses too. So although I want to be transparent and discolosing, his response to this is scaring me and I'm worried that he could use this stuff in court someday. I do not want a divorce, and I have been begging him to not move forward with D, but to consider working on R. He says he doesn't know, but has never indicated that R was a possibility. I do believe that the STD may have ruined any thoughts he may have had about R during the week and now feels even more angry than before.

I don't know what else I can do at this point. I am in IC, he started IC, he is sleeping out of the house right now. I am constantly taking responsibility for my actions, apologizing, asking for forgiveness, and begging him to consider R. I feel like I'm debasing myself at this point with my desperation and panic. Please tell me a better way. I do not know what else I can do at this point to fully put myself out there and demonstrate my committment to my marriage.

And the constant shaming and humilation he throws at me is so hard to take.......

Seeing nude photos of OM definitely didn't help :(

Also, he continues to have contact with his AP and I am not even brining this up at this point, as he continues to justify his RA. Its like I do not even get to begin to deal with how I feel about him doing that because all of the focus is on my A :(

BH called me last night. He had been reading all of the facebook messages and was able to see sex talk and such between me an OM, which occurred after he found out about A, and my contact w/OM went underground. He read the messages to me out loud over the phone, disgusted. I just kept saying :yes, I said that:, "yes, I did that". I offered explanations when he asked and answered all of his questions. His emotions were all over the map. He restated over and over " I do not want to be married to you", " I want to divorce you". It was so hard to hear. We talked a long time. He seemed to soften at times, saying he didn't know if he could get past this, and other comments that lead me to believe that there is a teeny chance he could consider R. I think eerything is raw right now and the shock of seeing how OM and I communicated, especially when I supposedly had cut contact with him, was another betrayal. We also talked a little about his RA. He continues to talk to her, and I take issue with him being hurt and angry at me for continued contact with OM when he remains in contact with OW.

I am solidly in NC with OM and never want to speak to him again. I have offered to give BH my pay-as-you-go phone that I had used to talk to OM, so that if he calls in the remaining 9 days that are on the phone, BH will get the call, and not me. He has all passwords, and free access to my cell phone should he desire. He worries that I will find other means to talk to OM, but right now he doesn't realize how much I do not want any contact with OM. I pray he makes no efforts to contact me again.

So now I just have to try and take care of myself and my kids. I have never been this depressed in my life. I cry like a child whose puppy just died, and have anxiety so close to panic that I feel terrified all the time. I feel needy and desperate and can't get even a moment's relief from this pain. I know that it will get better no matter what, and that it won't always feel this way, but right now its getting worse and worse. I can only hope that with all this transparency that BH might be eventually willing to risk R with me.

Unfortunately his plan is to file for D on Tuesday :(

So this morning I decided to take some action and called my mother in law. She has been very supportive to BH throughout this and I have not spoken with her at all. I realized that if I was serious about being humble and doing the work to win back BH and repair the marriage, I had to reach out. She was receptive and supportive, although clearly very sad. I didn't give A details, but I did repeatedly admit I made huge mistakes, ended the A completely with NC and a firm committment to R. She made some old school suggestions, which actually make sense. Considering my BH is saying he wants to D, she suggested I make dinner nightly and have the family sit down together. That I continue to be "a good wife" by taking care of the kids, the house, and just being here and being consistent. She seemed to agree that he was rushing to D and that making a permanent decision during a crisis was a bad idea. I'm hoping that she encourages him to slow down and conserider working things out as I could tell she had hopped for that too. It was a very difficult call to make, but I think having a good relationship with my MIL will be essential regardless of where my marriage goes.

I cannot hide from my guilt and shame and need to let people know that I messed up and am working to make things better for my family.

Continuing being "the good wife" by doing what you normally due wont cut it. You need to go above and beyond. Be proactive. If you just continue to do what you usually do,he will consider it to be a sign that you're trying to rugsweep.

Your pain and panic reach out to me tonight. ((thegooddokta)) I don't have any real advice, just know that you've been heard.

IMO you do have the right to be heard re: BH's RA. Always remember that.

~ Sabina

You can't R on your own and as long as he doesn't see his RA as a problem and see you as making all of the mistakes, he isn't going to be working on R.

I think it is a good thing that you are wanting to work on your marriage, but work on yourself too.

It almost sounds like the reason you don't want to talk to OM is because he was mean to you. And because he lied to you and was with other women while with you. I can see your BH/WH's being upset as it also seems like you told OM about the STD before you told your H. That call if made at all should have been done with your H in the room or on the line.

Work on yourself. If all goes well, he will notice.

No stop sign so…

Confused is right being the good wife won’t cut but it really is a great start. I think the RA may have originally been intended as a step towards moving past you so tread delicately when addressing it. I know it hurts and there is absolutely no justification for a RA but if you push the wrong way on this one he may see it as a diversion tactic and all hope of R will die if he thinks you are trying to pull a fast one. If he is going to R, he will have to face the music on that one eventually anyway. Stick it out and when the time comes to address it, don’t let him away with any more then he let you away with; selfishness does not justify selfishness. But discretion might be a good idea right now just for the sake of getting him to the table.

Also, I didn’t have to go through any TT but I can say that it may have been a deal breaker if I had. I actually made no TT a non-negotiable condition of R and stated very clearly that there would be zero tolerance; if I discovered even one lie it would mean D. I don’t know for sure that I would have stuck to it but my wife knew I meant it at the time and disclosed everything and went total NC immediately. He is very hurt about the lies right now and you may need to put up with a lot more hostility because of them. DO NOT put up with abuse but the hallmark of a remorseful spouse is facing the consequences of their actions. This is a consequence. It wouldn’t hurt to tell him you understand that. Endure it and love him anyway. The anger will subside but the lies may make that process take a little longer then you hoped. Trust me though, if you stick it out, it will get better eventually.

No stop sign:

I rarely read in here, and I almost never post in this forum, but I want you to see something.

I think eerything is raw right now and the shock of seeing how OM and I communicated, especially when I supposedly had cut contact with him, was another betrayal.

Yes, it was. It's important that you understand that he hasn't even reached level ground on the original DDay. The new realization is horridly painful.

We also talked a little about his RA. He continues to talk to her, and I take issue with him being hurt and angry at me for continued contact with OM when he remains in contact with OW.

I'm certainly not going to justify or condone his behavior, but there is a huge difference in what he's doing and what you had done. For one, he's not lying about it or hiding it. The pain of infidelity is so severe that he's probably just trying to hurt you back. It isn't OK, but it's understandable. It's unfortunate for him, you, and his AP.

Keep doing the right things. Be transparent. No more secrets. If you think of anything you haven't confessed to, lay it out on the table. I'm sorry you guys are hurting.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, I just wanted you to see the difference between his actions of contact with the OW/AP and yours. He's telling you about it because he WANTS to hurt you back.

Calling to OM was not complete NC. Your BH should've been involved. It doesn't matter if OM was mean or the perfect man. You should've decided to R and stay in your M regardless.

An RA should also be unacceptable. If he doesn't go NC there's no point in R.