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First of all I'm not see what a 180 is. I think it's when bs turns completing around from wanting to R to "not knowing" any more.

My BH is miserable. Stress from our adult children. Stress from me. We were doing great. I don't think he ever got his head around how I could be unfaithful. He is not interested in IC.

First time ever, he said maybe I need to move out. According to him nothing he does makes anyone happy so why do anything. He is so frustrated and I can't seem to help him. He's shut down.

I'm at a total loss.

It doesn't seem like the SI 180. It seems like maybe whatever defense he had in place, regarding whether he has ever been able to wrap his head around what you did, is eroding.

Has he thought of going on anti-depressants?

What have you been able to do in the past during the rough times? How have you been able to let him know that you are happy? Have you been able to let him know that you are behind him with the stress from the adult children?

According to him nothing he does makes anyone happy so why do anything.

This isn't 180. This is him expressing a need for help. He is in a deep depression. If there are stressors related to your children then he is now questioning himself as a father and husband. Being disinterested in IC and shutting down are signs of withdrawal and the self-destructive tendencies of someone in depression. He needs to help himself. He needs to know it is ok to help himself.

I don't think he ever got his head around how I could be unfaithful.

If he is still having difficulty with this then it may mean he is still questioning whether you really want/love him and if he is somehow responsible for the A. These kinds of fears for the BS are deep rooted and very, very difficult to verbalize because they make us 10x more vulnerable that we ever felt before. Some men define the success of their lives (hell, the very reason for existing) as providing for their family's needs and keeping them safe. Well you can imagine what that does to you when things go wrong. I know from other posts you are under 2 years into R, but the OM still works for the same company. That fact can be an added stressor. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, but if he is still struggling with the why and the who is still around then it can cause what I call micro-triggers. Triggers you think are not big and you can work through, but when they continually happen they have cumulative effect.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:01 AM, May 28th (Monday)]

Depression? No. That's me and I know it inside and out. Of course, I'm no dr but I'm doubtful.

He said this afternoon that if he was so bad before the affair and is now then what's the point? In other words, his behavior caused me to have the affair so maybe we just shouldn't be together.

I believe this has been brought about bc I confronted him re him losing his tempert our children. It was a pre-affair issue but never have I said that's why I did it. We agreed that i should have come to him instead going outside the marriage. I did try but every time we did go to counseling, it always seemed to come back to me and my depression. Our first MC that we had after dday helped us through the initial shock then started to work on what was going on before the affair. That's when he wanted to get a new mc that gelled better with him. Part of this was bd the mc suggested he not inform ap's wife of knowledge about the affair and my BH felt he should. He went against her advice and it turned out all right. He probably lost some respect for that mc then.

The new mc is very practical and suggests communication skills for going forward but not too much delving into the past which suits him.

The last year has been all about me confronting my whys and developing better coping mechanisms.

Two things...

About your MC:

I think you need a new, new MC. Neither of the ones you've seen know how to handle infidelity.

The affair should be THE focus of MC until your BH is ready to move on to other issues. Focusing on pre-A issues sends the message that the M itself is the cause of the A. Ignoring the A entirely and focusing on communication is the equivalent of rugsweeping.

Find an MC who specializes in infidelity and who is familiar with Shirley Glass's work on healing from an affair. Before you dive into sessions with a new MC, ask how he or she deals with the A in sessions. If the answer is by working on regular M issues or communication or your BS owning part of your A, strike that MC from the list and call the next one. The correct answer is that the

MC facilitates both of you sharing your feelings honestly and in a safe environment, questions are answered, and you are both given tools for how to work through your strong emotions together outside MC.

About the 180:

What you are describing isn't the 180. It sounds like a BH who is beyond his ability to cope with your A. A good MC would help. Maybe reading books together would help (Start with "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass).

Continue to encourage him to get into IC. If you are in IC yourself, talk to him about how the experience is helping you. It may relieve some of his hesitancy about going himself.

For clarification then, what is a 180

The best description of the 180 is in the Healing Library. Here's the direct link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

When someone does the 180 the right way, it is about building up strength and investing your emotions in things and people that sustain you. It's a healing thing for the person doing it.

I may not be the best poster for advice, but hang in there. He may just be confused and could change back to wanting R.

Good Luck.

He says he done with counseling for now. He says he thought he could live with the fact of my betrayal but he is not sure he can now. He is sick and tired of being miserable. I know he has been in pain but we have had many very good times in the last year. I've done everything I can to relieve his triggers and assure him.

He saw our mc individually last week and just shared with me that she suggested he write out the pros and cons of staying married, not, and separation. He wasn't ready to do that then but feels he needs to.

Can a wayward do a 180? I don't know what to do with his sudden change of thought re reconciliation.

He doesn't seem to want the comforting as he did during fall out. Do I act as normal? Do i continue to text my whereabouts and be accountable? Do I continue to profess my love to him?

And how about our adult children? Do I let my daughter know he is considering to ask for a separation?

I emailed him from work today saying I will be there for him in anyway i can. that I still want to reconcile. That I hate seeing him this way. That his turning away from IC is not good. That I would support him and try to help him but only he can help himself. That sure things were better before the kids were home and we had sex more often. But is the absence of those things the root cause. I repeated that I have never been more grateful for his gift of reconciliation than anything in my life.

His only response was that he still loves me just not sure he is in love with me. And he is just tired of living like this.

I guess I'll just wait it out. Give him his time. It's scary bc from day 1 of our r, he wanted me around as angry and upset as he was bc he thought if I was away it'd be easier to separate. And he didn't want to do that.

Unfortunately, he won't get on SI.

A WS can do a 180, but I'm not sure if you need it right now. It is intended to give some strength and confidence to the one doing it. A side effect is that you would be removing yourself from any real interaction with your BH, and I'm not sure where that would get you right now. If he were being a total jackass and mistreating you to the point where you should be leaving, then maybe the 180 would work. But it just doesn't seem right.

How does he handle your words when it comes to you telling him how much you want him and how much you want to R? Is that what he wants to hear from you? While that is staying in the game and keeping it up, it may be making things harder on him to hear that from you. Can you show him that in a different way?

This could be a stage he is going through or he could have finally decided that the A was a dealbreaker.

Some BS try to make the M work, but end up knowing that they can never get past the A. That may be were your WH is.

Hopeful after a rough nights sleep. He said, maybe i need you to fight instead of give up. I take that as a good sign. I apologized for being frozen. He said if you give up, I will too. I had just never seen him like this.

Bottom line for him: he is tired of the pain.

Even tho he doesn't get on SI I sent him a bunch of articles from the bs healing library. I can't believe I never saw them before. I was just looking at wayward side.

That's exactly why it's good for the WS to keep fighting, to keep finding a way to fight. You never know what the BS is going to need you to do, or wants you to do.

Perseverance.