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I'm new here but many of you may know my H DWBH. We have been making great progress towards R after a very rocky start. I just recently "got it" thanks to all of the posts and great advice from the FWS. Yesterday my H had contact with the OM's BS. It was a note comparing exchange. I was fine with this as I had already come clean on all of the nasty details. However, she had some nuggets of things I had said to the the OM during the A that she chose to share. The one that really got to my H was something I didn't even remember saying. I was/am very upset that the OM has chosen to play the blame game since I have never given my H quotes of things that he had said to me. I didn't think it was necessary. I thought it was spiteful to the OM and to my H to share those things and irrelevant. Many things were said during my A that I now deeply regret and with I could take back, but I can't. So here is my question: I have been holding a secret for the OM for the past 10 months regarding another A he had with another very close friend of ours several years ago. He told me in confidence during our A. My H knows and the one friend I chose to tell about my A was this OW because she is a friend and I knew she had been in a similar relationship with the OM. She knows I know and now hates the OM for being a repeat offender with me. I know this is coming from a place of anger right now but I want the OM's BS(my ex-BFF) to know about the other affair. I fear it will end their M but I feel like the OM has been placing the blame of our A on me to his W and not owning his shit. I feel like his W is still in the dark to who he is and what he is capable of and honestly right now I would like to inflict a little pain on him for making me out to be the cause of the A. The rational part of me says it doesn't matter what his W thinks of me anymore. I already know she hates me and I know I deserve this and can never fix it. All that matters now is my H, our M and our children. This IS my focus. But I don't want my ex-BFF to be blind-sided if he chooses to do this again down the road. Sorry for the rant. Advise appreciated.

My advise?

Stay.out.of.it.

I have come to realize that it is up to each WS to come clean on their own. And each BS to decide what he/she needs to know in order to reconcile. We see it on here a lot that people just want to move forward, don't want all of the details. Each couple takes their own path to reconciliation. The only person you hurt in telling her is HER, who you have already hurt enough with your actions.

His past infidelities or things that happened between you two that he may be embellishing (as long as YOU have come completely clean with your BS) have nothing to do with YOUR healing, with your marriage and reconciliation. Nothing.

I get it, it's hard, believe me.. It took me a while to get to the place where I say this. But it is not worth it. He is not worth it. Focus on only yourself, your healing, and your marriage. I have found IC to be a GREAT way to 'vent' through this - use that if you can. Or journal?

ETA: have you thought about writing a complete timeline including the conversations? I did that, and while I know the things I said to my AP were VERY hurtful, I knew that I had to come completely clean for both myself and for my marriage to heal completely.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 7:56 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

At this point, I would stay focused on you, your BH, your kids, and your M. The OM and his BW will have to take their own path now.

If your BH and the BW talk again, and if your BH feels like sharing these other details, that is his choice. It isn't something that you should be deciding on though.

I wonder if you should be up front with your BH about the things that were said during the A. Does your BH want these details?

Like you, the OM told his wife lies about me in order to shift the blame. I also know about another affair that he had and have thought about telling his wife, but I realized that it's none of my business. I have done enough harm to her and her children and will not continue to hurt her.

I also know of a previous A that MOM had prior to getting involved with me. In our case we went complete NC the day after discovery. No notes have been exchanged. I can only make a lot of assumptions based on what I know of him. Do I think he told her about the other A? Probably not. I also think he has made me more of the aggressor in his story to her. Realistically, neither one of our versions are going to be entirely accurate. My story is from my perspective and his story is from his perspective. So the truth is somewhere down the middle.

Be careful of your motivation. Are you wanting to divulge this information to hurt him? Or even to take some of the heat off of you? If so, it's not the right motivation as it will hurt her. I agree with the others that you should keep your focus on your healing and your marriage. Do some reflection and talk to DWBH about what kind of details he wants. Them provide him with what you have. Be open and honest. HT wanted everything. I can say from experience that holding anything back will be detrimental to your healing. You are not in a position to make decisions for others. Not saying that this is what's happening but if the thought "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" goes through your head, get rid of it immediately. Because somehow or another it will come back on you. Don't minimize for damage control.

Trust DWBH to handle the communication with MOM's BS. Give yourself distance from it.

At this point I don't even think it's a question of motivation. The OM's marriage isn't your business.

Focusing on one-upmanship with the OM, or hurting the OM, or divulging secrets about the OM, or thinking about the OM's marriage and what he/his wife deserve - all of those things are a waste of effort that is best used in fixing your marriage, yourself and the trust and security of your BH.

When you find yourself thinking about OM's marriage, take it as a signal to turn your attention back to your own.

And speaking of which, if your BH is getting information that disturbs him about things you said during your A, I think you should write down what you remember saying to the OM in that capacity. Then tell your BH that you've recorded what you remember and if he every wants to read it it's there for him, and he can decide if he needs that information. My FBH read every single one of the emails I exchanged with FOM, some multiple times, and since that was our only contact there wasn't a shred of information FBH did not know. This eventually meant a lot to him, though it hurt him deeply in the short term.

At this point I don't even think it's a question of motivation. The OM's marriage isn't your business.

agreed...focus your energy on your M. let it go and by doing so, you let him go too.

WS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 10:26 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

Thank you everyone for the advise. After hearing some of you stressing the point of me making sure I have told BH everything I realized there was something else he needed to know. I gave him a complete description of the incident in detail and I have started a detailed time-line for myself that he will be welcome to read. I'm not sure he will want to once he sees it but I am including conversations as well as physical details. He is very angry with me right now and feels like I am likely still hiding more secrets and I understand why. Although this latest detail meant nothing to me and was actually awkward and uncomfortable he still feels that I TT it and I did for the last 4 days. But thank you to everyone that posted today and made me realize this was something I had to tell him. I am hoping he can trust me again a sliver because this last week has been really good. I think it's good timing that tonight is our first MC session.

Although this latest detail meant nothing to me and was actually awkward and uncomfortable he still feels that I TT it and I did for the last 4 days

I'm sorry ThornyRose..whether this incident meant anything to you or not is irrelevant when full disclosure is asked for.

Considering the content of what was divulged by you,I would consider it meaning a great deal.

I would fathom that you would not be so thrilled that DWBH had done the same thing with a woman and said it meant nothing to him.

You saying that in itself is not true because it meant enough to you for you to try it.

You have no reason to be upset with your BH for being upset with you for withholding this information that I truly believe you did not forget..but chose to hold back considering the gravity of it.

To say it meant nothing is trying to minimize it. That is being apathetic toward something that is a major intimate interchange between two people.

Your being upset with him is actually shame for what you did and projection. You're not mad at him..you're mad at yourself for doing the act.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 6:17 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]