SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS is gone, no hope for R.

I can barely get through the day. Is it wrong to look him up and see him go about his life like nothing? He can so easily cut off his emotions. He says he doesn't look to the past only the future (which doesn't include me).

I don't know what to do

((frostian))

I'm sorry to hear about this.

Now is the time to concentrate on taking care of yourself. Make sure you're eating well, maybe taking walks, and make plans to be with friends as much as possible.

I can't even face my friends, having for half a year now.

You may have to be open to finding some new ones, then. You shouldnt go through this alone.

He can so easily cut off his emotions.

As a BS I don't think he is cutting off his emotions. He is trying to compartmentalize them. I am pursuing D myself and have told myself and a few trusted people who know what's going on that I am trying to focus on the future. It is still unbelievably difficult and painful. There are times when I wish my WS would show some kind of sign of fighting for me, that she loves me and understands the pain she caused me. That isn't happening.

Your D-day is still very recent. This is not usually a good time for the BS or WS to make any big decisions.

The question I think you should ask yourself is do you really want R? Do you want your H back? This is different from not wanting D. If you do want him, really want him, then you don't give up.

Only looking to the "future" can be another way of saying thinking about the past too painful. We don't experience this kind of pain because we don't care. It might, just might, be another form a rugsweeping on his part. As a BS I would be reluctant to really show my feelings to my BS because of the loss of emotional trust.

I just wanted to say that Im so sorry that you are feeling so much dispair right now. I hope that things change for you soon as the loneliness and hurt is clear from your post. Please keep posting here for support.

Thank you all. I am still fighting for my M... willing to do whatever it takes. I switched jobs, we were in MC but BH didn't like it... I didn't TT, gave him all the evidence when he asked (this made things a lot worse and he hasn't been able to get over that)... BS has OCPD which makes it hard for him to not just see me as evil... so he sees me as "tainted" now. I can't stop crying every single day for all the pain and misery I've caused. I knew from his OCPD he very well might not ever be able to forgive me (he still brings up one time I said the f word four years ago, unable to forgive that) but I had to tell him about the A because I couldn't live with myself.

Maybe he will be able to forgive. At first, he showed patience and understanding which was way more than I deserved. Then after he read all the evidence, that was it. It's like his mind could no longer minimize what I had done.

So I don't know. I feel hopeless. I know I don't deserve anything less, it just kills me I hurt him so much for such stupid reasons.

His OCPD presents a challenge, not only for any possible R but for him to heal in general. He needs IC equipped to help him through this issues in light of his condition. I recommend you find an IC who can advise you how best to work with him. You need special guidance to work with him.

Of course you need to continue to work on your own issues. It is important you don't neglect the work on yourself.

It isn't hopeless.

Long before any A BS and I were in intense counseling and basically this counselor was telling him I needed to divorce him and telling me I needed to divorce him because of the controlling behavior (how his OCPD manifests sometimes). Since then BS does not in any way trust counselors so our endeavors in counseling have been incredibly tense, but I will keep trying in counseling on my own. He doesn't even like the idea of me doing counseling though. I'm going to work really hard to try and be patient and understand his OCPD much more than I have in the past.

Well that certaily sheds some light on things. That was probably very traumatic for you H to have the counselor say that. The counselor is supposed to be the healer and is effectively telling you H is broken beyond redemption and you would be better off without him. Holy sh*t! I've never even heard of someone who is OCPD that is 'happy' with their condition. That counselor set your H up to feel very responsible (whether he openly expresses it or not) for the A. How did the counselor even get to the point of suggesting that. It seems the opposite of trying to help you, as a married couple, deal with and overcome his OCPD.

The counselor that told us I needed to divorce him took place during marriage counseling prior to the affair (many many years prior). We saw that particular counselor for years and it was not good for the marriage.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I came home from work and am sitting here alone and bawling my eyes out. I'm so alone in life and I know I brought this on myself but it still hurts. I know I've hurt other people so much more, though.

(((frostian)))

Please hang in there. You still have your life and you can heal yourself like the others on SI have done. I'm sorry for the hardship you are going through. There is a tomorrow and it is yours.

The counselor that told us I needed to divorce him took place during marriage counseling prior to the affair

I understand it happened some time ago. What I meant was that your H would recall this and feel like he was the cause of the A, that the counselor unknowingly set him up to feel this way. Even if he hasn't expressed this he has probably struggled with it. Nearly every BS at some point questions themselves. They wonder what they did to cause the A, to cause their WS to want someone else.