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My BH said to me tonight that I never "revealed" to him how F'd up I was and if he knew he would never have been with me or married me. I never intentionally hid my past from him but I never saw how seriously sick it was. I was denying, minimizing, and rationalizing.

Before you continue reading further, this may be a trigger for some because it involves past sexual history.

I know my BH has been thinking about being "duped" alot lately since I have been exploring my past relationships and sexual history. I have journals beginning from when I was in 3rd grade and I have been reading them nightly to try to understand some of the negative patterns I chose to stay in (which contributed to allowing me to begin and continue my A).

One of those negative patterns is my need to please and gain approval from emotionally unavailable men (especially older men that act in a dominating role). Usually I try to please and gain approval through sex.

When I was 17 I met a 26 year old man online and began a relationship with him. He was the first person to ever touch me underneath my clothes and I lost my virginity to him-the third time I saw him. I know it was my choice to go online and to meet him. It was my choice, but I can't help thinking now how stupid and risky my choices were. I thought he "loved" me. Except that he broke up with me every other week and was controlling.

When we were not together I began having casual sexual encounters-I remember feeling desperate to fill the void and take away the pain.

When I was 19 until I was 23 I was in another relationship where I was controlled and betrayed. Often my boyfriend at the time would reject me sexually and break up with me to be with his ex. He eventually had a child with his ex. Although, he told her he wasn't dating me so I guess we were both the OW (although neither of us knew-we both thought we were his gf)

In 2007 he died in a motorcycle accident and I never really dealt with the anger and hurt I felt from his betrayals.

I then engaged in more casual sexual encounters with men that were just using me.

In 2008 I met DTOM. I knew he was different than those other men that had disrespected me. From the day I met him he has been nothing but loving and respectful. He treated me the way I had always wanted to be treated. And yet I pushed him away and built a wall around my heart. I was so terrified of intimacy and didn't know what it meant to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

The only man I rejected was the one man that I should have readily let inside my heart and my body. It hurts me so much to say this. It hurts me so much to realize what I threw away and how distorted my meaning of sex was.

Having casual sex, being used by men for sex, and trying to please men was a pattern for me. It is no wonder DTOM feels like he doesn't know me and has been "duped". I feel like I don't know me. I feel disgusted and ashamed. I don't want to be that girl. I allowed the OM to have a part of me that he did not deserve and that I had vowed to only give to my H.

I can never take my actions back. DTOM didn't sign up to have all of my "baggage" thrown in his face. He didn't sign up to be betrayed in the worst possible way-while I was cutting down his self-esteem to justify my A.

I want to crawl in a corner and hide. Instead, I am posting-because giving in to my shame will only cause more damage. So I am posting and putting my shit out there. Maybe I will find some healing in this.

[This message edited by Lost333 at 9:48 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]

It was brave of you to post this.

Introspection like this will help you and in turn you will be able to help DTOM as long as he lets you.

Lost ,

I can certainly understand your story. Now is the time to find out your whys and be protective and loving of the inner lost. She needs to be loved by you . You are changing and your someone that deserves to be loved. He will admire the person your becoming keep finding the answers .

Lost, hind site with real remorse is 20/20. Your past does not have to define you. Keep working hard. Remember, you "duped" yourself as well and are working to make a better you. God bless.

Lost,

You've done some really good work, so far!

Who was the very first emotionally unavailable man in your life?

I want to crawl in a corner and hide. Instead, I am posting-because giving in to my shame will only cause more damage. So I am posting and putting my shit out there. Maybe I will find some healing in this.

As painful as this may be for you, THIS is KEY!! Many WSs have buried shame that they bury under layers and layers of more shame. The result is disastrous, as you can see. It's really great that you can see this because you can stop the cycle if you choose to acknowledge the behavior and choose to do something else. Good job!

Lost--I found this for you:

You don’t “recover” from shame; you don’t “transcend” or “beat” it. Instead, through hard work and coming to know yourself well, you can learn to bear your shame and earn your own self-respect by behaving in constructive and not defensive ways.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

After I posted this I felt really vulnerable...but it is okay to feel vulnerable (I need to keep telling myself this).

Yes, I did dupe myself-for years. I denied, and lied to myself. I am still learning who I am. But as I am learning I am beginning to love myself (a little bit at a time).

Who was the very first emotionally unavailable man in your life?

This was my father I always wanted his love and his approval. But because he was broken himself, he was not able to give it to me. For a long time I felt like it was my fault, because I was unlovable. But I will no longer own his actions. Yes, there were times when he was loving in his way and I will always remember those times. But no child deserves to feel unwanted....now I need to give myself what my parents were unable to give me.

you can learn to bear your shame and earn your own self-respect

This made me cry. I don't want to disrespect myself (or my BH) anymore.

Thank you for the quote.

The only man I rejected was the one man that I should have readily let inside my heart and my body. It hurts me so much to say this. It hurts me so much to realize what I threw away and how distorted my meaning of sex was.

I understand this completely.

(((lost333)))

And yet I pushed him away and built a wall around my heart. I was so terrified of intimacy and didn't know what it meant to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Thank you for baring these words. I can so relate (from the other side). For years, even when things "seemed" good, I always felt the vacuum of intimacy, I just couldn't find out why. I always felt that this was all she had to offer and settled (uneasily). I just didnt know that those walls specifically applied to me. Its so good to hear someone speak about it from the WS perspective. I just want to understand.

I always felt the vacuum of intimacy, I just couldn't find out why.

My BH has said something very similar before-he just didn't know how deep my fear of intimacy went. He said he always thought I would open up eventually

I didn't really know how deep it went either.....

I didn't really know how deep it went either.....

I was just getting ready to post that you didn't know either. So glad to see that you recognize that also.

But here's the plus side of this...you do now and you are doing something about it!! And what you are doing is not fun or easy...it's tough and heartbreaking...but you are doing it!!! That's good stuff!!

I know at this stage of the game there is a lot of questioning, on both your part and his, as to who you really are. The way to get that answer is to dig deep and sort through those why's which I feel you are doing very well at. In digging, you will be able to really look at the baggage you carry. But baggage is ancillary. It may influence you. It "accessorizes" so to speak, but it isn't you. In general, before, during, and after the A, what have you always thought of yourself? What kind of person have you felt you are? I personally have always felt as if I was a good person.I have always considered myself compassionate and caring. Seems crazy, I know, given the fact that I am a WS. I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I consider myself cute and outgoing. That is who I am. That is also who HT fell in love with. All the rest is ancillary bullshit that has taken over and influenced what was at your core all along. So figure out who it is you are at your core. I would be willing to bet it's what both you and DTOM thought was there all along and once you really work on those issues from your past what is at your core will only get bigger and brighter. What is at your core will finally be the only driver of the bus that is you.

I think I have recommended this to you before, but read Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. This book really helped me understand many of my shame patterns. For me, understanding them is helping me to let them go.

Coastofsomewhere- thank you for the encouragement. I am finally shining a bright light on the darkness in my life.

WalkinOnEggshelz-

I am definitely going to get that book.

Hmmm...what kind of person am I? I've always thought of myself as compassionate, deep, intellectual, a dreamer, caring, creative, determined, ambitious...a friend once said to me, "you have a sparkling personality"....I'm going to hold on to that today

[This message edited by Lost333 at 6:15 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

sounds like you have taken a giant step in the right direction.

Its hard to read posts like these but very encouraging that "doing the hard work" isnt just a catch phrase.

great start lost333.

DTOM didn't sign up to have all of my "baggage" thrown in his face

Well, we didn't sign up for the As but we did sign up for our SOs baggage and they signed up for ours. The good and the bad. It's all part of M. We should love, understand and/or least tolerate them and grow as a person and as a couple.

Well, we didn't sign up for the As but we did sign up for our SOs baggage and they signed up for ours. The good and the bad. It's all part of M. We should love, understand and/or least tolerate them and grow as a person and as a couple.

With all due respect, once someone has cheated, the contract/vows of marriage are immediately and completely null and void.

The affair/cheating is one party's destruction of that contract, so at that point the whole thick & thin, better or worse clause has been set on fire by the cheating party and can no longer be utilized to facilitate any kind of bi-directional compliance.

If there is to be ANY chance of R after cheating, this should be the first and foremost FACT kept in the mind of the WS, provided the BS has not returned the favor through madhatting or RA. The WS has ripped up said contract while the BS respected and maintained it.

As far as bringing baggage into the marriage, this should be considered a 50/50, equal responsibility. 50% on the WS for keeping facet underwraps, either due to fear/dishonesty or due to issues masking this (i.e. delusion, avoidance) and 50% the BS for rugsweeping the signs of this for (sometimes) years of unusual or what should have been questionable behaviors and problems with intimacy.

I accept all my WS's issues because her intimacy issues and changes in her stories concerning the past were readily apparent. I accepted those facts for the past 8 years and did NOT rug-sweep them, but instead made it a primary issue in our relationship from Day 1. But I do NOT accept the affair or her cheating, nor will I accept the things that were deemed sacred between us by our commitment to each-other that she could never find the time to address for US, but quickly was willing (within 5-10 days) with some douche bag after MY 8 years of patience and understanding.

Lost- I know you can find a way to make things sacred in your relationship as well, but I only hope DTOM can stand to still be there when it happens. I know my tolerance level is near it's end and I've only got 50% of problem with our similar situations for us to conquer.

Lots of luck to both of you!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 11:34 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Just to clarify: DTOM did know about every one of my relationships and my sexual partners-and that some of them were unhealthy. But because I did not realize HOW unhealthy they were he did not know either. My victim mentality just thought I kept picking up assholes by accident, "poor me, I can never find a good guy". Now I realize I had allowed myself to be in those unhealthy situations and when I finally did find a good guy I was too unhealthy to treat him right.

I only hope DTOM can stand to still be there when it happens.

Yes, this is the hope or the question. More and more lately he tells me he doesn't think he can do this. I tell him, you don't have to make a decision right now...I will be here waiting for you....I will give you space to focus on you....it's okay if you hate me, you have every right to hate me and be angry with me....

But no matter what he decides I will support him and I will honestly, understand. For the first time in our relationship I am actually "rooting" for him and not "us"-or just myself.

[This message edited by Lost333 at 6:27 PM, July 13th (Friday)]

Every single day that you wake up is another day to begin to make the right choices. It's never too late to do the right thing.

Knowing what I know now, even I wouldn't want to be married to me.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 2:55 PM, July 14th (Saturday)]