SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tonight, I just got off the phone with WW and I know now - its over.

She is now rewriting history to include me as a wife beater. I am speechless and in total disgust. I was the one who was beaten. I am the cheater, I am to blame. I was the cruel liar. I am to blame.

I don't know who I just talked to. I am stunned and I know its over now, there will be no R.

I already have a lawyer, and I'm in a no-fault state so I am going to get screwed. All I can do is try and comfort my kids. I'm so sad for them, I never wanted it to end like this.

(((kchip)))

I remember that conversation with stbx...he was rewriting too, saying that I was pushing him away, not appreciative, etc.

It's all bullshit.

I also live in a no fault state so I completely get it.

Comfort and love your children. Be kind to yourself.

And if you know it's over, file the paperwork and NC her. It's hard and scary and feels like a gut punch at first but it will help you heal.

Post here often.

kchip - I am so very sorry. I know that D is not what you wanted, and the cognitive dissonance of hearing those horrible false accusations has to be overwhelming.

Sending you strength and comfort as you begin down this path.

Call your lawyer tomorrow about her accusations of domestic violence. She could be working on this as a tactic for some sort of leverage in court.

Thanks

I cant believe she said those things. She laughed at me as she said these vile and horrible lies to me. She laughed.

The girl I loved is gone and the person I spoke to tonight is someone I have never met. This nightmare simply has to end. And the decision is made.

(((kchip)))

I am so sorry. I completely understand. I was screwed by XWH in the divorce. But you know what? I am free from him, and that is worth more than money.

You will do great in time.

kchip-

I know D is a personal choice, but realize DDay is only a few weeks ago and she is still in the fog.

My WS did horrible, horrible things on my DDay (which was in January). It took until March before she could come to her senses, pledge NC, full transparency, and want to rebuild things/fix what she broke.

In that time span of three months between DDay and NC, she said the most horrible things to me imaginable. She did the same things your WS likely did to you: blame-shifting, rug-sweeping, gas-lighting, abuse, possible violence, etc. etc.

My WS spent 5 days in jail for DV from this process between DDay and NC. The abuse was cruel and frequent during that time. I was 100% vested in ending it as well.

In those 3 months she rewrote our 8 years together. Her pictures, text/email logs were her and OM saying the most nasty things imaginable about me. When discovered, she pledged she would never give him up for me, never consider me valid after him, dug deep with comparisons of "man hood" and sexual prowess, etc. etc. But after seeing his pictures of this skinny, ugly nerd with a penis the size of my pinkie, I knew something was VERY wrong going on with her head. After seen the videos, pictures and other things... it was sheer insanity. What she was saying had NO tie to reality... what she said about us, OR what she said about him/them!

It took her 3 months to come out of that fog. Three of the hardest months I have ever lived. Three months of the highest forms of cruelty imaginable. Mental, emotional and physical cruelty in ways that are hard to imagine. But more importantly, three months of her in such a thick un-reality bubble like I've never seen or heard of.

She went from NEVER willing to give him up, the a tearful desire to block all of this from her life 100%... to rebuild what she destroyed. A complete flip 180 degrees in just a few months.

From joining here, it seems the wayward commonly construct this thick, unreality bubble then move in. The marital rewriting, the cruelty, the lying, the blame shifting.. all of it. Common tactics.

I'm not saying you shouldn't D your wife. I'm only saying that with DDay only a few weeks ago, I know how much you are hurting, and I also know the initial stages of the wayward can be worse than the realization of affairs themselves- the blameshifting, the lies, the "luurrveeee duuurveee" of the fog... the horrible, terrible things they say ON TOP Of the knife they put in your back, they almost enjoy twisting in that tender time after discovery.

Your wife may never snap out of it and D may be the only option and GREAT that you filed. I just hope you will take care of YOU in the meantime, and I hope that your WS may "snap out of it" like mine did.. despite we're not in full R yet, she feels like an idiot for all she said/did and for the affairs. She recognizes she became a person that really wasn't her.. and was the scariest transformation I've ever seen before.

Please give yourself some time. Hard 180- stay on track for D, but don't be surprised if your WS doesn't notice the smell surrounding her new found fantasy world. She's not living in reality right now. It's impossible this early in the game.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 12:44 AM, August 9th (Thursday)]

I don't know your entire story, but when I went through the DD and months after, what I sensed was his shame. The blaming was because he was ashamed of what he did. Then the manipulation began, the continued blaming and finally rewriting our marriage.

It was justifying his wrong. My daughter said it best. She was 18 when all of this happened. When I told her I felt stupid for not seeing what he did, she said it was his shame, not mine.

Her anger and shame for being caught can make her do and say what she is saying. But if you file, it can snap her out of it fast. It may be what helps get her out of the fog. I am sorry for your pain. We have all experienced it and we truly understand.

Stay here and listen to the advice.

Love your kids and you will come out of this better.

Well I've basically been up all night...again.

I keep replaying the last 2 years in my mind. All the signs I missed or ignored. What happened? How did this happen to us and what am I going to do now. Im back to fetal and know there is no hope at all for R. I would have done anything for her. I love my wife, but now she loves another and there isnt a damn thing I can do to stop this movie.

I really wish I could go to sleep and it would all just be over.

I am so sorry kchip... I have told others that the LTA was painful, the lying and deception that he dealt me, but the real marriage killer for me was how he treated me afterward.

The rewriting of history, the cruelty, the lack of remorse of sympathy for what he'd done to me and the girls, the blaming, the rug sweeping.... I couldn't imagine how to recover from that.

I'm sorry kchip. This is an incredibly painful time you are going though.

Can't stop the overflow of emotion. I'm exhausted, completed drained of strength. Going to spend day in bed.

How could she say those things.

kchip-

I am so sorry man. Please try to get some rest, sleep and take care of yourself. If necessary, see your Dr and see if you can get anything to help you cope, AD meds perhaps some sleep aids?

Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, eating as best you can and taking care of yourself.

How could she say these things? It's easy, kchip- she'd not living in reality right now. The "fog" of the affair is still thick in her mind (or what's left of it). Remember she's not coming from a "real" place, but the fantasy and unreal world of the affair fog.

It can be months before you can start processing it all. It took most of us months after DDay as well and that early period is a roller coaster.

It gets better man.. so much better. You wont always feel this way. Keep that in mind. You WILL regain your strength, resolve and get through this.

If you're a reading type, you might want to consider reading the book "Not Just Friends" as it does a pretty good job describing this mentality, as well as all this marital/history rewriting, the lies, the manipulation, the blame-shifting and the abuse.

Take care kchip! Good luck to you!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 8:42 AM, August 9th (Thursday)]

I completely understand what you are going through. My wh was in this Fog for 3 years. He was in his A for 3 years also. In the first and second year he was a MONSTER! The horrible evil things he said to me, the emotional and physical abuse when fighting about the OW and what he was doing. The lying to my face when I knew the whole thuth! The rewriting our history together! He is coming out of it now because they have ended which I will tell you was a SLOW process. He knows what she is now but we are seperating, the A didn't kill us, he did and how he treated me. I am not filing for D yet because I need to get some head space away from him first. We now get along but he still will not blame this on the A because then he would have to admit to being a prick for 3 years to me. He says we had problems before the A, well if we did I didn't know that they were that HUGE! They lie, and make shit up and actually believe it. They lie so much that they don't know what is real or not! I say maybe not D yet but seperate to get yourself in a better place until you feel you either was to D or R if she ever gets out of the A or fog. Its the most painful process but its not as painful as watching this in your face EVERYDAY. Don't do what I did and enable her because when you do that it never stops.

new wrinkle today:

So I am looking over the cell bills on ATT.com- March is just ridiculous. 10,000 text messages . So i set out on looking at all 150 pages of the PDF. I notice a few things, then a pattern. I know some of these numbers but there is so many texts to/from a couple of phones with 561 area codes. Hundreds. Now I know the OM's phone number (at least I thought) he won't take my calls but answers my texts. He has another number, but wont answer but returns texts from that line too. So I ask the WW who the hell is in 561 that texts you so much. "its him" she says. I said there is 3 different numbers - she says "i know". Now - my math is fuzzy I say to WW, but that is 5 different cell phones...one person?

There are thousands of texts from all 5 lines in the last 8 months.

I ask WW - don't you find that odd that this deutchbag has 5 cell phone lines? Then, i recall that he has as at least 3 gmail accounts to from my discovery on DD1.

I asked WW - has there been contact? She says "no", but I sense it, another lie.

I ask her - your ready to throw away everything, our home, our family, our business, all for a serial cheater? (OM is married with 2 kids) She says, yes....I want a divorce.

I said then your a fool - its over.

Then she breaks. I know I have finally gotten on to the right trail of whats been happening.

I know she's no angel, but this guy - the OM - omg - he's a monster. Narcissistic, obviously manipulative, controlling, and clearly skilled.

The phone bill and texts timeline are very revealing right up to D-DAy 1 and all the texts before, during, and all afternoon and night. I remember that day to well....sigh.

Any ideas on how to get back at this fucking prick? I am going to see his wife on 8/16. Any other good revenge ideas?

As for WW, i dont know.....

We will see.

He says we had problems before the A, well if we did I didn't know that they were that HUGE! They lie, and make shit up and actually believe it. They lie so much that they don't know what is real or not!

^^^THIS^^^

I still deal with this today from xWH and his OWifetress. My kids deal with it too. I don't let it get to me anymore but it took a long time to get there.

My MIL once said she thought he was a fool for getting remarried so quickly. I responded "We all thought he was a fool for screwing around, we all thought he was a fool for losing his marriage to me, we all thought he was a fool for losing the business, home and moving in with her. We all thought he was a fool when he got engaged to her. How many times are we gonna think he his a fool before we just accept...HE'S A FOOL"

She is a fool and I am so sorry for you cause I know it hurts.