SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My cover may be blown. Can't give details but I am freaking out. If this gets out, all kinds of crazy will ensue. I feel sick. Can't breathe.

Infidelity, its fallout, and consequences stinks monumentally.

((Aubrie)). And breathe. You've faced the worst stuff already for sure... Is Mr Aubrie in this new change with you?

(If you need a pick me up I just said nice stuff about you on another thread... )

Thanks. You're a sweetie.

Yes I told Mr. He didn't say much but I know he's a bit worried. He doesn't want to deal with outside opinions or attitudes.

At the end of the day, this is between me and him noone else should matter. But it could throw a stick in the spokes.

Blech.

Outside opinions don't matter Aubrie. Only you guys matter and how you feel and how you act to one another.

Gossip and tittle tattle comes and goes. My A was outed into our social community, but once they knew we were reconciling they stood by us and cast aside the OM...(and now hi's business has folded...karma... ).

I don't what's going on with you guys but be strong, be open, and support each other and you'll be just fine. (Remember you earned that "F"!)

(((Aubrie)))

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 11:57 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

I just wanted to throw a hug your way... I think you're amazing, Aubrie, and know you and Mr. Aubrie will weather whatever storms come your way just fine.

(((((Aubries)))))

It won't throw a stick in the spokes. It'll just be something else you and Mr. Aubrie handle together...which is what counts the most anyway.

Also, I'm not above obfuscating a little bit. How many times have you helped people here on SI? (That was a rhetorical question because we don't have that kind of time.) So it anything comes up "I was just trying to help a friend, sorry I can't discuss is." I'm all for living an open, authentic life...but there is a limit, especially when it comes to people who may try to interfere or otherwise be a hindrance. You and Mr. will use your best judgment.

t/t It does bring up a point though. My family made it clear that if I decided I wanted R they would support the decision. I was grateful because I've known many families that carry grudges and end up hurting a couple's R. They didn't set aside their own issues to be supportive and accepting of the BS trying to heal and the WS being remorseful in actions.

(((Aubrie84)))

You've been in "All Kinds of Crazy" bootcamp for a while now.

You will get through this, like you've been getting through everything else. You guys just team up and remember that there's a wall around the two of you and your kids, and nobody on the outside matters.

Nothing has changed with you two. You're going to be ok. This WILL send Mr. Aubrie into triggertown, but you can be strong for him. You CAN handle this. I know it.

(((Aubriefam)))

It likely won't be as bad as you think. For months, I was terrified of others finding out; what they would think of me, of my fWW... Now, there are literally dozens of family and friends that know, and there is no fallout to speak of. No one condemns my wife for what she did; no one goes out of their way to bring it up to either of us. The few people that have initiated a conversation with me about the A have done it very respectfully, and I've either shut it down easily enough, or discussed if I felt comfortable.

I actually go out of my way at work to tell folks that I hardly know, just because I work with OM, and I need to keep my distance from him, and it's easier if people know why that is. I frankly don't give a shit anymore what other folks think, or talk about behind my back (if that even happens).

Don't let fear rule your behavior.

Thanks y'all.

It'll just be something else you and Mr. Aubrie handle together...which is what counts the most anyway.

I know that. But that smidge of fear grips me when I think of certain parties and their stance on issues of infidelity. These people are very close to me/us. It could be brutal given their history of comments and actions.

You've been in "All Kinds of Crazy" bootcamp for a while now.

True that. Point taken. Guess we're in a new exercise/class today.

This WILL send Mr. Aubrie into triggertown

After "Oh no!", that was my very first thought. Panic hit because I don't want to cause him further heartache and drama. He doesn't want anyone knowing or someone to cause a scene. This is our battle. I called and told him everything and apologized profusely. He said it was ok and to calm down. Working on that part, but still nervous that he's going to trigger.

At any rate, we're in kind of a holding pattern. Thanks for the support y'all.

Repeat to yourself:

It is NONE of their business; it is NONE of their business; it is NONE of their business.

And then if anyone decides to come at you in a disrespectful manner, you tell them: It is none of your business.

Harder to do than it is to write, but....really, that is what it boils down to.

Only Mr. Aubrie's opinion matters. If anyone else wants to get all *high & mighty* about it, well then, they can take a long walk off a short pier.

It'll be okay.

(((Aubrie)))

We've dealt with this a lot! Some of our formerly closest friends have dropped off. My stance is basically that I have chosen to forgive my H and work on R, that it's OK if people are pissed at him because he did something really crappy, but they need to respect that we're working on our M.

And, what is that old saying about those who protest too much??

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:50 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

(((Aubrie)))

I know I'm supposed to off SI for awhile but I have been lurking. (just couldn't totally leave my support group)

Anyway, I saw your post title and it drew me back in. I am so sorry for your current sitch.

I've followed your posts for a long time and you and Mr Aubrie are like super hero's to me. I only wish I had half the courage you both have. For that reason I know in my heart that you will both get through this. You are both strong and getting more so everyday. I don't believe anything can derail the hard work and commitment you both have put in.

BTW, I also know about panic attacks. Unfortunately I'm an expert at them since my d-day. I also know how damaging they can be physically. Please try and find the time to relax, breathe and slow down. Even 5 or 10 minutes of concentrating on just you and relaxing can do wonders for your health.

Stay strong! ((((The Aubries)))

Just wanted to give you one of these. ((((Aubrie))))

Aubrie - panic (and fear) are often fed by the unknown. You don't know if word will travel. You don't know how others will react. Worse yet, you can't control how others respond if they hear things.

The best antidote is having a plan. Having a "known" to counter the "unknown" is what eliminates fear. You and Mr. Aubrie should sit down and develop a game plan. If Mr. and Mrs. X find out and confront us, what do we want them to know? If they react negatively, what will our response be?

As long as you do this kind of planning and you will both be in sync with each other, you can ease those panic attacks and eventually eliminate them totally.

((((Aubrie)))) It will be okay. Truly, it will.

These people are very close to me/us. It could be brutal given their history of comments and actions.

It could be brutal. But you know what? It could be really good, too. Though I know you don't want to be in this position, you may find that your situation really alters the way others view infidelity. You've got grace and dignity--and those who have a history of brutality may be forced to re-evaluate their stance.

This happened in my family--and nothing could have shocked me more.

I know you'd rather not be the agent of change--and I completely understand that. But I hope that your fear is for naught--and that (a) your cover isn't blown, and (b) if it is, the outcome is positive.

You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by others.

You're right Gonnnabe. It's nobody's business. And yes again, it's easier to think/type then say.

TIKY and raindancer, thank you.

PanicAttack,

Thanks for coming out of Lurker-Land. It's good to "see" you again.

Super heros we are not, but thank you for the vote of confidence.

I don't feel that people could derail us per say, but it would make things more "uuuughhhh" for us. Particularly my husband.

I'm taking care. If I feel overwhelmed or particularly icky, I've been just sitting and breathing.

Listeningclosely,

We've never had "the discussion" because it was his wish to keep this between us. Because of my carelessness, that could be jeopardized. Way to go me. I'm on high alert for a while.

And yes, most of my panic is what to say/do before we have that discussion. (Which we're doing tonight.) Having a game plan will most definately help alleviate some of that fear. If we have a clear cut plan, I can face it much easier.

solus sto,

If my cover is blown, I'll deal with it. That is the consequence of my actions. If attitudes and comments ensue, fine. People are entitled to think/say what they want.

My worry is my husband. I do not want him to face any more garbage than he already has to face. I don't want him persecuted or ridiculed for staying with a cheater.

Just...blahhhh.

Thanks again everyone for the hugs and support.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:00 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

((((((Aubrie & Mr Aubrie)))))))

Aubrie,

I can understand how paralyzing this situation could be.

I think you should hold your head high in the face of your possible blown cover....why? Because you simply are not that WW any more.

The work you have done on yourself, for yourself, on your marriage, for your marriage-----that cannot ever be taken away from you. You can look those people in the face and tell them what happened then and who you are now or tell them it's not their business.

If they chose to withdraw from your lives, that's THEIR problem. Sad, yes, but not yours to own.

You HAVE owned all that was yours.

If these people can't see the change in you, the change in your relationship with Mr Aubrie---they might as well not be able to see the sun.

Thank you itainteasy.

Mr and I had our discussion. the answer to the 3 possible scenarios is, "Thank you for your concern but it's none of your business." Period.

For the particularly nosey or obnoxious ones, we'll refer them to our counselor.

While discussing the possible scenarios, I saw Mr. Aubrie come alive with protection for our relationship. I saw him build a wall around us from the rest of the world. I felt a strong sense of safety and love from that.

We're in a feeling of limbo. The shoe could drop at any time. Today, tomorrow, 4 weeks from now, or never. It's slightly scary. But we've got a game plan and I feel strength and security in that.

There's something else I want to talk about. Maybe more thinking out loud. I dunno.

It was mentioned to me more than once (not in this thread) that I'm trying to live an authentic life, yet I'm "hiding" this deep dark secret. How can I truly be completely authentic if those closest to me don't know the "real" me?

Where is the line drawn in authenticity and privacy? (I cringe to use the word privacy. It's a touchy word around here. The privacy I speak of is between a husband and wife from the outside world.)

I'll be honest, I'm struggling with that answer. How is it anyone else's concern? How would anyone else knowing help/hinder them? How would anyone else knowing change me or my husband's progress or healing?

My husband chose to work this out between us. No family members or friends were in any way privy to affair behavior or fallout. They didn't aid me during my antics. I didn't use them for a means to further the A. They weren't covering up for me or babysitting my kids. They didn't help Mr. Aubrie find dirt out on me. They didn't watch the kids for hours on end post Dday while we fought (which we didn't do) or go to MC.

My husband doesn't shout anything from the rooftops. He is a quiet, private man. Why would my A(s) change that? Why would he deal with them any differently than he deals with other traumas in his life? (And he's had his fair share) He chose to keep my sin against him private. He has a hard enough time facing feelings and emotions. In exposing my sin, we would let in countless opinions, do-gooders, and haters. He didn't want that. He didn't want outside voices giving their opinions when his is the only that matters. It was his life shattered, he'll deal with it how he sees fit.

Do I feel I need to "out" myself? No. This is a private matter beween the two of us. I don't feel that that is being inauthentic. This is emotional and physical issues between the two of us. Why does outside parties need to be aware of it?

Will I face the music if the A is discovered by outside sources? Yes. I'll face whatever emotions are thrown at me. If relationships are ruined or destroyed, I will deal with that. That is a consequence of my past actions. My hope is that they will see the person I am now and not the person I was. My hope is that they will see that Mr. Aubrie loves me and has vowed to work this out with me and respect that.

I dunno. Just getting this all out of my head in an attempt to straighten myself out.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:26 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

BS here, I don't believe sharing details of your private life are necessary.

As long as you are honest and show respect to your spouse, that is all that needs to be done.

We have chosen to keep our marital issues private. It does not mean that we are not "authentic", it is what is best for our marriage and peace of mind.

Keep the faith.

How would anyone else knowing help/hinder them? How would anyone else knowing change me or my husband's progress or healing?

This is something that we've recently had come up around here. I think I felt extremely humiliated for a couple of years after my Hs A. I didn't want anyone to know. HE didn't want anyone to know because he was so ashamed. There were physical ailments after the A. H got cancer from HPV and had to have a surgery where they took off all of the skin, front-to-back, down below. He had to take about six weeks off of work. At that point, dealing with the physical issue was far more important to each of us than protecting our privacy. So, pretty much everyone around knows what happened. As a result, we have been given the opportunity to share our knowledge with others.

Just last week, one of Hs employees (who is also a friend) told him that he thought his brother's W was having an A. They were looking for a PI and having trouble. I was able to help them- and fairly quickly. Within a day, the confrontation happened and she admitted it. This guy is really quiet guy. Very private. I gave him the SI information, but I doubt he'll ever come here. So, I was able to help a stranger and, at the same time, take inventory of where we are right now.

This is just a part of my story, but it IS part of my story. That will never change, whether I deny it or not. It just is.