SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It totally sucks that the antiversary is so near to our wedding anniversary as well as the holidays. It is what it is. We deal with it. And I suspected that triggers would start coming up as our 26th wedding anniversary is Thanksgiving this year. Dday was Dec 20th. I expected him saying that he wasnt sure he wanted to make christmas plans. What I did not expect was that he didnt want to plan a family vacation we have been talking about having this summer. Specifically, he said he doesnt because he doesnt know if we will be together then. Whoa! He hit me with a brick! We are in a fairly good reconciliation but the hysterical bonding is over and life has returned to normal again. I have made a lot of changes regarding my hehavior and he feels confident with my full disclosure. My concern is that he is basing his ultimatum on an issue that we had before the affair. That issue is his high libido. I get that my betrayal was a blow to his ego and all that. Early in our marriage the frequency sex was a hot topic. Since the affair lets just say I am more accomodating. I am not resenful as I was pre-A. I realize it is a need of his. But because things have become a bit more normal we have fallen into a familiar pre-A routine. One where he tells me I should be working on increasing desire. Lets just say I do not have an abnormal desire for an almost 50 year old woman. I would say more than the average. It is just not as high as his. TMI alert: we have about 4 diff kinds of sex, one of which I enjoy it as fully as he does, if you know what I mean. That is not to say I dont enjoy the other times. I desire skin to skin contact and enjoy pleasuring him and do so lovingly even if I could just as easliy go to bed reading a book. I believe and so do the counselors we have seen, he has an unusually high libido. The issue is that during the last few normal months he has decided he is not happy with our current sex life and that is the reason he gives for perhaps not being together in 6 months. While pre-A it still bothered him, but the committment to our marriage was not tainted by my betrayal. He said he has forgiven me but has never said that he would be able to live with it. I told him he has put me in a very vulnerable position that I feel he is loving me conditionally.

My main question is this: Can a Wayward Spouse expect to be loved unconditionally? Or is this just my punishment? My mother feels that must not have truly forgiven me to feel this way. And while I agree that forgiving is not forgetting, how will his conditionalism affect me? We had been talking about me quitting my job and starting my own business. This is not an option if I am to be a single woman in the future. In a year or in 10 years.

As always, thank you for any advice that others in long term reconciliation care to share.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Atonement in sexual payment. At least in the way you have expressed it above.

THere is no 'should' here, no matter how he frames it.

In fact, I am feeling more than a little horrified for you.

Hmm...yes, in my 'system' of life, I think a WS in R should receive some unconditional love. The BS is entitled to unconditional love, too. That is, I love my W because of who she is; she loves me just because I am who I am.

Sex, though - that's a matter for working together to find solutions that work for both. Yeah, you accomodate each other, but it has to work for both partners. There's no place for ultimata in a good M. Unless you want to do some role-playing for fun that is.

I think partner need to respect each other. Your post doesn;t indicate your H respects you.

I saw a book about an M in which the partners had big, big differences in deire. PM me if you want me to try and find it again.

Emotional investment. Are you willing to put more into it than your BH? Have you? Have you emotionaly invested in yourself? If my W would simply reach a deeper level of emotional investment in our M It would be better than the euphoric high of sex. There is a huge reward to doing so. Bear your soul to him. Intiate your innermost thoughts, fears, to him. That is emotional investment. My libido is pretty high too. However, having a deep emotional soulful conversation with my W (that she intitated)is far more satisfying than the most passionate lovemaking. It's a connection that you are empowered to control. I just posted on a thread that may bring folks down. If my W would initiate (reach out) to me with her inner most thoughts, It would go a long way bringing R to a new deeper level. You have the power to make this happen!! Not once but on a continum. Make that connection with your BH and the intamacy will take care of itself.