SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH and I were watching one of our favorite shows Homeland yesterday night. The show is full of infidelity unfortunately and it has been really hard for me to watch, but we both love the show and its something fun for us to do together. Sorry but some SPOLIERS ahead....

There are two main characters, Carrie who is a CIA analyst and Brody who is a Congressman who was a POW and is maybe/sorta a terrorist.

Carrie was the OW for Brody and she admits to being the OW for other guys too. She is really good at her job but is a little crazy.

Brody is married but still cheats with Carrie. He ends the affair and gets her in trouble but then this season they start up the affair again (how typical ) Brody's wife had a maybe affair when her husband was deployed (but she thought he was dead so who knows if its an affair). This week she restarted the affair with her OM and fucked OM while in the same hotel as her kids.

WH said some choice things about Brody's wife and how disgusting she is, and I agreed with him. But he has never said anything negative about Brody who has cheated more times and has showed no remorse at all. Brody lies so much in the show and my husband loves his character. But the moment his wife lies and cheats... what a slut.

It triggered me so hard because in a lot of ways its the same thing with us. He has always had one set of rules for me and one for him. I think he is getting better and then he falls back like this. And a lot of his double standards are with men and women. I've never seen him be harsh on a male cheater, if its him or his friends or celebrities. But female cheaters are the worst. I don't get it . Cheaters are wrong. Period. That is what I want us both to believe and I still get the feeling he isn't there.

Its bothering me way more than it probably should. Its just a TV show and it was just a comment he made but it has been eating at me. Why is Brody's wife a slut for cheating but Brody not? That doesn't make any sense. Uggghhhh!!!

I wonder why both of you would watch a show that so cavalierly has infidelity as a main source of entertainment. A main theme running through the show. I don't get it. It is that attitude that helps make people think that everyone is doing it and its no big deal.

I do watch shows that have infidelity in it. Like NCIS but none of the main characters cheat and usually when infidelity is on the show it is because someone was murdered because of it. In other words, it isn't glorified, it shows there are dire consequences to infidelity.

That being said, I think your WH has a lot of growing to do as that is definitely a double standard. Have you talked to him about it?

SisterMS, we both started watching the show last year before the infidelity so we were sort of hooked. I like having something for us to do together and talk about so I try to bear through it. Its SO HARD to find something without infidelity in it. Its everywhere.

I haven't talked to him about it yet. I was kind of short with him today and I want to ask him what he meant but I don't want to go searching for a fight, you know?

I can see why that would bug you, JM. I remember reading something he wrote a long time ago about how it's different for men and women, or maybe we were talking about it. Either way, double standards suck. I don't think that's silly at all; I imagine that must be very frustrating for you. Are there other instances where this comes up between you guys?

I think that's one reason as to why cheating is so offensive. In popular culture, cheating gets played off as "no big deal" or "everyone does it, so why aren't you over it?" - if it wasn't such a big deal, then why didn't the couple have an open relationship instead, where the partners had an agreement and it was equal and accepted and respectful from the very beginning? Because the people who write those articles or make that media are only okay with it if *they're* doing the cheating. Double standards and power imbalance. One partner is taking gross advantage of the other partner's trust and devotion and exploiting a huge power balance unbeknownst to their partner.

Do you feel like you can use this show as a jumpstart for a discussion about how you feel about his double standards?

ETA: Sorry, just saw SisterMilkshake's post and your answer. I can see you're hesitant to talk about it for fear of starting a fight. Gently, shouldn't he be supporting you in being able to express your feelings if he's working toward being remorseful?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:13 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

I understand it is hard to find shows that don't have infidelity in it, and that you can watch together. I couldn't hardly watch our beloved Vikings because Brett Favre's scandal came out about 6 months after my d-day and it was such a trigger watching him.

Also, I wanted to clear up that I wasn't referring to your attitude as cavalier, but the networks that produce these shows.

I had to give up some shows that I used to watch because it was too much of a trigger for me. If you wind up triggering every time I would rethink watching the show. It really wouldn't be worth it to me. (((JennasMom)))

There is no way that I could sit through a show like that. No way. But if I did and my WS made comments like yours did, it would bother me. Prior to having cheated, you could just chalk it up to him being a stupid male(like we all are). But infidelity changes the rules going forward. It would bother me that he doesn't realize this.

My BH and i love Honeland too. It is actually his fav show.

Q: Why is Brody's wife a slut, and he (a frickin terroist to boot) is not?

A:

"Because he's a man."

Your WH has professed his double standard beliefs regarding gender on this board numerous times.

Why would you expect different from him now?

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 9:09 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

Ah yes, the double standard is alive and thriving in my home too.

Lie, cheat, and disrespect me for 15 years? No problem. Say something in bad timing to him- once- in 15 years? OMFG!!!!!!!!! How DARE I do such a thing?????? I am a horrible monster of a wife!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy-making at it's best.

[This message edited by LifeOfLearning at 11:21 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

Hey JM

Are you guys in MC? I know WN was going to IC, but I can't remember if you're in MC.

If you are, I'd bring it up there. I'd simply say that you wanted to clear the air about something and then bring up the show, and his over the top reaction to the cheating wife and his non existant reaction to the cheating husband.

Maybe the marriage counselor can help you both work through the double standard. Or, if you can talk to WN's IC, maybe you can ask him/her to bring it up in their next session.

I have a feeling if you don't have a 3rd party not taking "your" side but clearly laying out how that thinking is not condusive to R you will get a fight.

Good luck. I don't think you're wrong to be upset by that. Cheating is wrong period. No matter who the wayward is. It's wrong, and he needs to "get" that.

I sort of halfway watch Homeland, so I might be off base, but didn't Brody's wife start seeing that guy when she thought Brody was dead? Then she cut it off, and only restarted this season (right?)? I am not excusing her but Brody is a freaking nut job. If either of the affairs is less "bad" it's definitely hers.

All this to say . . . that double standard would drive me insane. Absolutely freaking nuts!

WH and I watch this together, too. In fact, I once tried to start a thread on here about it, but it didn't have legs...

When we watch, I nudge WH from time to time and he gives me wry smiles. We've made jokes about how he's so good at lying, maybe he's actually a terrorist, too. And joked about possibly being in the CIA, as well.

But it does get old, and I've dropped that more recently.

I agree it sounds like your WH has a double standard going -- interesting that he should react that way to Jessica, because if anyone has been mindfucked and lied to, and could be justified for having an A, it's her. I've been cheering for her to dump Brody and live happily with Mike for quite a while.

Brody's infidelity is hardly worth commenting on, because he's portrayed as being such a mess in the first place. How many people has he murdered by now? There's very little question that both he and Carrie are operating way, way beyond the bounds of morality at this point. Maybe it's just my POV, but to me there's very little ambiguity that their A is Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. On Carrie's part, you're meant to wonder how much of her is self-destructively truly in love/obsessed with him and how much this is manipulation on her part. On his part, it's about the only person that he's somewhat truthful with, but it's all a result of the very bad choices he's made.

Have you thought about asking your WH about this double standard? Might be a way of starting a good conversation.

JM,

I understand not wanting to start a fight ... but honestly, if you cannot discuss your feelings on things like this then are you really in R and is it really worth it?

If he is really remorseful then this discussion shouldn't be a problem.

And I'm with Mrs Panda. This double standard is not new. Why are you surprised by it now? WN has been very vocal about his views. He has told you who he is. It is up to you to start listening.

A few weeks before DD (also a few weeks before A season) monster came home really really REALLY upset about a situation one of his oldest friends was in.

Married around 20 years, 4 kids - SAHM for most of the time. They buy a business for her and starts working. Starts re-living lost years, starts screwing her staff.

I will never forget how shaken he was, how outraged, how ANGRY. i had to talk him down that's how angry he was. I knew she wasn't happy and hadn't been for a very long time (no excuse) - I just wasn't surprised.

I think I even said something to him like "you just don't know what goes on in a marriage". Because he was pretty much vilifying and condemning her to the worst possible fate. She should lose her children, he should screw her out of the business etc. Really angry stuff.

I was actually quite shaken by it - by his venom. He was riled up for quite some time after it.

Now in the aftermath of his own A a few short weeks later... well... I am just gobsmacked. I reminded him of it on DD and he dismissed it. "That's different."

Yeah, because she's a woman.

Total misogyny IMO. I have entertained the thought that he might be a woman hater. I believe your WH might have a touch or more of the woman hater in him too. Not the nice ones that let you walk all over them but the nasty ones that step out of line and hold him accountable.

Wayward women - in their minds they think they deserve to be burned at the stake.

Wayward men - they're misunderstood, not having their needs met... its a guy thing.

Did you mention this behaviour to him? He is most likely unaware - especially if its ingrained. If so what was his reaction? Did he say you or act like you were 'overreacting' or being 'dramatic'.

Is he doing any work to fix his defective wayward (and the rest!) thinking?

Triggers like this are hard enough by themselves without the added salt in the wound of their reaction.

Ugh.

Think about how you felt about the trigger and also how his reaction made you feel. Then express it to him. You are entitled to feel these things - he is supposed to be helping you through trigger, not BYOing a few more triggers of his own.

((JM))

My BH and i love Honeland too. It is actually his fav show.

Q: Why is Brody's wife a slut, and he (a frickin terroist to boot) is not?

A:

"Because he's a man."

Your WH has professed his double standard beliefs regarding gender on this board numerous times.

Why would you expect different from him now?

I guess I don't want to believe its that simple He is a really smart guy and he isn't what you would normally consider a sexist to be. But you are right he does have double standards that are really kind of ridiculous and I shouldn't be surprised. I just feel like when he praises Brody on the show he is kind of praising himself.

And I don't get it about the show too. Brody is the freaking villain! And WH roots for him? Its been bothering me for weeks but he literally is pulling for the bad guy. Brody is a terrorist. He kills people. He lies to his wife. He cheats on his wife. He is a bad guy. And somehow he thinks Brody is this really good guy. I don't even know

Are you guys in MC? I know WN was going to IC, but I can't remember if you're in MC.

We both are in IC but no MC anymore. I am going to talk about it with my IC when I see her. We weren't really getting much done in MC and counseling is expensive so we stopped that for now.

I sort of halfway watch Homeland, so I might be off base, but didn't Brody's wife start seeing that guy when she thought Brody was dead? Then she cut it off, and only restarted this season (right?)? I am not excusing her but Brody is a freaking nut job. If either of the affairs is less "bad" it's definitely hers.

All this to say . . . that double standard would drive me insane. Absolutely freaking nuts!

She started seeing that guy, Mike while Brody was thought to be dead and stopped seeing him when Brody came home but she has been having an EA with him since. But now she is seeing Mike again. Brody is a terrible husband though. The man disappears for days! And he lies about everything. I think her affair is really wrong but compared to Brody.... its less bad.

I've been silently fuming for weeks now!

On Carrie's part, you're meant to wonder how much of her is self-destructively truly in love/obsessed with him and how much this is manipulation on her part. On his part, it's about the only person that he's somewhat truthful with, but it's all a result of the very bad choices he's made.

I think Brody is manipulating Carrie now. He is taking advantage of how broken she is and letting her on while using her as a cover IMO. I think Brody is lying to her too All that man does is lie. To everyone! Its not even funny. I don't think he has been honest with anyone.

It really bothers me a lot that WH likes him so much. He is always inventing excuses for Brody that the show doesn't even bring up. Oh he must be so stressed. What about his wife? She must be stressed too. Its just really quite ridiculous. We should probably just stop watching but... ONLY 3 more episodes this year.

I will never forget how shaken he was, how outraged, how ANGRY. i had to talk him down that's how angry he was. I knew she wasn't happy and hadn't been for a very long time (no excuse) - I just wasn't surprised.

SBB, I know the feeling! I cannot even tell you how much my WH, a serial cheater by the way, hates women who cheat. How does someone even make that work in their mind? He has been quieter about stuff like that lately so maybe he is changing... or just getting smarter about what he says idk.

To be fair though that cheating is really terrible. If the husband helped her start a business and they had such a big family and she was cheating with lots of people its just terrible.

Did you mention this behaviour to him? He is most likely unaware - especially if its ingrained. If so what was his reaction? Did he say you or act like you were 'overreacting' or being 'dramatic'.

I haven't brought it up separately and I'm not sure I will. We get along really well most of the time and I don't want to go searching for a fight. Its just a TV show at the end of the day. I'm pretty sure it would go one of two ways. Either he will stubbornly defend his position or just concede but not really change. I want to keep the peace and we are having a really good run and I don't want to screw it up. I think I'll just vent a little here and then let it go. I would rather be happy than right all the time

I don't see "happy" in your posts. I see walking on eggshells to maintain the status quo. A situation in which your pain goes unacknowledged and your concerns remain unaddressed.

That isn't happiness. That is rugsweeping. And eventually it won't be enough. This path requires everything from you and, as usual, nothing from him.

You are only getting along because you're stuffing your feelings. How is that healthy? You don't want to tell him when he says or does something that upsets you because you don't want to deal with his anger. That's not R.

Trust me. I know. Im in the same position. Only Im 2 years out. I thought if I was quiet and didnt bring it up, I'd be able to move on quicker. Sunday he broke a boundary.

I have an exit plan. If you don't,I strongly suggest you get one.

He is not remorseful. You know that. he thinks you deserved to be cheated on. he has said that,in those exact words. Of course,he was cheating thruout the marriage,so you having your EA only provided him with an excuse to cheat some more.

You say he's worked really hard on changing. What exactly is he doing?

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:13 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

Its just a TV show at the end of the day.

But it isn't the TV show that's the problem. The problem is that his reaction to the TV show is shining a light on a mindset that flies in the face of remorse and R.

Yeah, what SouthernGal and Confused said. Why can't you have a conversation about this? It seems a perfect way to talk about your feelings about morality in a more neutral way together. That's what "art" is supposed to do (as opposed to entertainment) -- get you to think. For example -- yes, you're right Brody is probably manipulating & taking advantage of Carrie, too...

I think that's what you need to focus on here. Why you can't discuss this with him.

But it isn't the TV show that's the problem. The problem is that his reaction to the TV show is shining a light on a mindset that flies in the face of remorse and R.

^^^This^^^

This is reflective of his values and what he believes to be important. It is reflective of what he believes about infidelity.

It would be "just a TV show" if it was something that one of you liked but the other didn't.

I don't like the show "The Big Bang Theory." It isn't objectionable ... I just don't like it. I don't find it entertaining. I know people who love the show.

I'm not going to argue about the show with them because it is just a TV show.

But if what I disliked was something that reflected a violation of a core value and what my friends liked about the show was that very same core value ... I would have to discuss and reevaluate the relationship between us.

What you're talking about is core value kind of stuff, not a difference of opinion over what is or isn't entertaining.

Either he will stubbornly defend his position or just concede but not really change.

Oh, JennasMom, this makes me so sad for you. YOU are keeping this marriage together. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to make YOU happy. As you said in another thread, you get all the pain, and he gets all the rewards. How is this going to work for you in the long term?