SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear George.

Well, where do I start? I get a sense that you are lost. I think you have forgotten whom you are, desperately trying to fill some hole inside. With the cars, with the things, with the new girlfriend. I think you are running from something. I don’t think you will ever find it.

I have to tell you how much your actions have hurt me. Down to the depths of my soul. I don’t trust you any longer. How could you deceive me? You seemed so comfortable living a lie with me. Fucking Laurie then coming home to me, asking me to rub your back. Doesn’t sound like the actions of a man with much conscience. Sneaking off secret moments with her, just like you did with me. I was such a fool to fall for you. I thought that you loved me that you cherished me and would never hurt me. You lied to me. Was our marriage a lie? Did you ever love me or were you only in love with the thrill of the hunt? Or were you in love with a fantasy?

What are you afraid of? Why do you run into the arms of another woman rather than talk about what you are feeling? All this pain could have been avoided if you just sat down and told me what you needed. Not some half-ass attempt, but a true heart to heart, like we did a few weeks ago. I would have done anything to make you happy.

You never gave the marriage a chance. You were out the door. Well, no actually, you kicked me out the door. You took advantage of me that day, never again!

I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive you for what you have done to me and to Tim. You broke my heart, destroyed my trust and shattered my world. You were a father figure to Tim and you have destroyed that relationship. Not me, your words to Laurie were enough to poison Tim, I didn’t have to say a word. I was your wife that you didn’t honor. I don’t want to be your friend now. I don’t have any respect for you anymore. I don’t trust your words or actions. My heart is closed to you now George. The walls are up. The man I loved and married is long gone. The marriage I thought I had was a lie. The man I married is a liar and a cheat. You have done it before and you will continue to do it. That’s why I don’t hate Laurie because I know in time; you will dump her for the next one.

You create quite a field of destruction. You destroy people’s lives without a second thought. Just move on, not caring or taking responsibility for what you have done. You break hearts, destroy trust and then want to be friends???? What have you done to earn my trust, my friendship? By hurting me? By lying to me? By deceiving me? You are still lying to me, why? That is not the kind of friend I need or deserve. That’s not the type of man I want for a husband. You have some twisted idea that you can just have an affair and everyone is going to be okay with it? Welcome your new fuck into their lives. You hurt people George. Your actions hurt others. Your actions devastate the people who love you. How can you live with yourself knowing the pain you cause. Or do you just blame others so you don’t have to take responsibility for what you do? Sounds like the coward’s way. Change history to justify your actions. Go ahead and do that George, but on some level, you know the truth. You have lost two families through your actions. You have disappointed and hurt your parents and sister through your actions. Your actions have brought shame to your family. Your actions have torn two families apart. Do you feel good about that?

Thanks for listening, wondering if I should send this to him, or just keep it as part of my journal.

Send it, it was from your heart . I may change a few words in it an send it to the ex-wife.

Send it only...and I do mean ONLY...if it is to vent these feelings once-and-for-all. If you have a speck of expectations about it, that it will get through to him in any way, then don't send it. You will be setting yourself up for disappointment. Fire and forget. Nothing more.

I did send a similar letter - I wish I hadn't. I wish to god I hadn't let him see what he had done to me.

180/NC - he 'knows' what he has done. He has done all of this before.

Having said that, we all have things that we must say. If you haven't had the opportunity to say these things and think you'll regret NOT saying them - then send it and let it be the last of it.

You're trying to make him 'see'. Be prepared that he doesn't want to see, may not be capable of it or may see it but doesn't care.

To them their 'happiness' is paramount. IMHO most of them feel like they would die if they faced themselves in the ways that are required for healing. Instead they'd prefer this death of a thousand cuts.

((Dawn58)) its so hard to get your head around it. I'm still shaking my head almost a year later. I'm starting to realise I won't ever understand it because I never really knew him.

Dawn,

Don't send it. Make it a part of your journal. He won't get it. Crickets and NC will speak more.

He will rationalize and interpret your words to suit his needs. And twist them to hurt you.

Your words will not make him get it. He has done this before. He will do it again. Hold your head high and let go of the rope. He fired you from your job as his partner, confidante and friend.

I wrote a lot of little notes and letters to FwH while he was in his A. He read them, he believed his sitch was unique and I just didn't understand. He completely believed his distorted view of our M. Me putting up a fight to keep him and our M, only fed his ego. That he was the prize.

When I focused on the 180 and detached, he got upset and hurt that I stopped caring about the M. It was ironic because he didn't see that by having a GF he was the own who didn't care about the M.

I journaled a lot, I wrote letters to him and OW, that I would never share. I let it out. I didn't waste them on someone who wouldn't care.

I agree with the others. Sometimes you feel as if you would explode with "not having a say", but it rarely accomplishes anything except a temporary release of steam.

I journalled for a long time. Then I decided I needed to let WH know just what he'd done to me so I started sending him my journals entries ( with his "blessing")

After weeks of responses of

Silence

Formal "thankyou for sharing"s, or

"it's really hard for me to hear your anger - poor me" messages

- coupled with no actual action toward R, I gave it up. I could see it made NO difference to him except as an excuse for his own pity party. And that just hurt me even more. Since then I have tried hard not to let him into my private world of pain.

If we turned to a friend and said, "I may be having a heart attack -I'm having chest pains and can't breathe!" and their response was "thankyou for sharing", or "I'm having a hard day now"- would we continue to add to our pain by "sharing" with them??

I am still frustrated by the fact that he will never really know the damage he has done. I still harbor fantasies that I would like to tell him. But I know it's a fantasy. I might as well sing "o Canada". I have come to accept that he will never know, and will continue to think I'm a cold-hearted B. That hurts, but what doesn't ?

(aside- I still have access to WHs email. I sometimes check it - I have to stop that - and last night he was telling a new friend about how sad he is that he is having to say goodbye to his wife of 38 years. That he has many good memories of being with Trebleclef, and is sad that "she has apparently erased her memory board" but what can he do? He can only be responsible for his own thinking." Grrrrrrrr!

I am the cold one! I'd love to set her (yes, her) straight but don't want to admit/ let on that I'm seeing his emails. )

Anyway, if you feel the need to vent, you are more than welcome to vent at him - he deserves it. However, do it ONLY for that purpose, and have no expectations whatsoever of it mattering one whit to him.

(((((((hugs)))))))

I think writing is a great exercise. From hard experience, I will echo Brandon's advice; if you send it, do it without expectation. You cannot do anything to change your WH's thoughts, feelings, or actions.

It's far better to use it as a way to purge---as part of a journal.

If he cared how he'd hurt you, he wouldn't be doing it.

(((Dawn))) I'm sorry for your pain.

Thanks for your feedback. Am not going to send it. He's got his head so far up his ass, he can't see anything else but the OW at this point in time. What I can do is file the divorce papers and move on with my life. I see the attorney tomorrow. I just wish he felt the same pain I do. At least he won't have as much money to spend on his little girlfriend for the next couple of years. Was only married for 5 1/2 years, so will only receive spousal support for that period of time but enough to put a bit of a cramp on his style. He just took her on vacation. May be the last one for a while!!

I agree, don't send it, and your letter could be mine too, just change the names.

I have tried what you want to do, and all I got from my STBXWW was more total blameshift, more sub-human lack of "getting it" and not giving a damn, more total lack of A ownership, and more excruciating put-downs of how I and my DD are over-reacting, it can't hurt that much, "grow up and get over it".

It is so unreal to me, and other BS who have a soul that these cheaters can not, and I don't think will ever "get" what they have done, or give us any sign that they have, let alone show true remorse.

It simply staggers my mind to have to deal with such a mentally ill, broken person. Peace to you Dawn, and I'm wishing for you a great resolution to your pain.

You can't unring this bell, so you need to be sure.

Send it BUT revise it first. Make yourself seem stronger. Yes he broke you but talk about how you will rise from these ashes. Talk about how you will be just wonderful and will find someone worth you.

I did do something similar to my husband and that was the turning point. My email wasn't mad and angry. It just told him to take responsibility. That he tore our family apart and I didnt want to be with someone like that anymore. That olong with the 180 changed everything!

Send it. But make yourself the survivor, the hero. Then turn away from him. Dont respond, act like a stranger. Like he doesnt, and never did exist.

And even if you dont want him back, he'll always know that the lies and betrayals didnt make him a man... it made him a fool.