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I've been separated from my ex for over a year and a half and my divorce was final a few weeks ago. I started seeing someone, feelings got intense on both sides quickly, and now he's ending it just as fast. The heartbreak I am feeling is just unreal, perhaps because this is my first "relationship" post-divorce. Also, the way it has ended is really tapping into my feelings of being disposable as he's basically just cutting off contact (his friends think he's scared of his feelings but idk). I am so miserable. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm really struggling here - my ex is moving in with OW next month, life is going on just so smoothly for him, and meanwhile I feel like I'm floundering. I'm wondering if it is normal to have strong feelings for the first person you make an emotional connection with post-divorce.

I'm wondering if it is normal to have strong feelings for the first person you make an emotional connection with post-divorce.

(((mblant01)))

I think it happens a lot, but I don't believe it's a true emotional connection. It's just different from what we are used to, so we think it's so wonderful. Eventually reality sets in though and we begin to realize it isn't everything we thought it was.

I'm wondering if it is normal to have strong feelings for the first person you make an emotional connection with post-divorce.

Yes. It is normal. My IC and I talked a LOT about this after my first (and only) post-D relationship ended. Part of it is that you transfer a lot of yourself into the new relationship, things like your commitment to a relationship, your dedication to a person, your depth of connection - things that belong in a marriage but are not commonly found in the early stages of a relationship.

It can create a false sense of how close you are to that person; it can also create a stronger bond or dependence than is healthy.

I tried really hard not to let it happen while I was dating, but it did anyway.

I dated G for 5 months until he ended things due to life circumstances that prevent him from being in a relationship right now; more than 7 months later, I still miss him.

People talk a lot about being ready to date; my advice has become not to date until you are ready to deal with another broken heart, because it seriously sucks when things end.

I agree with Amazonia. My first post-D relationship got way too intense way too quickly.

After it FINALLY ended - lots of breaking up and getting back together - I just took some time off. And when I dated again I kept it light, not investing too much too soon.

This led me to my current SO who I am so happy with. We have been together for 2 years and going strong.

Dating too soon after D can really set you back in your healing.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Thank you for the responses. Amazonia, I think what you are saying is exactly right & I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me so I can have another perspective to help me with this.

Amazonia hit the spot. It happens but you know what? You are a great person! He just missed out on a great person. He just doesn't know it yet.

(((mblant01))) May my big ManBear hugs make you SMILE!!!!

My first break up was very painful for a variety of reasons. Now, I try to look back at it for the good it brought to me...knowing a man would find me sexually appealing, I discovered I was able to love someone besides WS without guilt, I met a good man and a part of him will always stay with me. I think we healed each other, we were each others "firsts" after bad marriages. We kinda needed each other.

It sucked, don't get me wrong. I think I cried more over him than I did WS. Like Ama, it has been about 7 months and we have been in occasional contact, but the feelings are mostly gone. It took a little while, but I'm now dating others and looking forward.

Try to look at the gifts he brought you and, as my IC tells me, "cocoon yourself",( take care of yourself, surround with your favorite things and people) and start moving forward.

ManBear thanks for the hug, I needed it! and Cmego I'm with you - I think I've cried at least as much over this than the end of my marriage. I think a large part of it is that we were intimate, first man after my 19 year marriage, so I'm feeling betrayed by his sudden disappearance from my life. I keep telling myself that things will get better - now if only I could be convincing!

Try to think of it as the first post-divorce hurdle. Rebound relationships are usually doomed, but they do serve their purpose.

You will grieve this one too, and move on, and know that you are becoming stronger and less dependent on "having a man in your life"

That is healthy, although it hurts right now. This shows you that you need to heal and get stronger before you're ready to dive in again.

You got this first one under your belt, and you will survive and flourish....and be smarter the next time. Live and learn.

The most important thing you can take away from this is the fact that you need to become whole and comfortable alone before you go that road again.

Become stronger, and more independent. It will serve you well. A new man is not the cure. A stronger, healthier YOU is the cure.

exhausted lady, I don't think anyone in this thread is talking about rebound relationships. Mine certainly wasn't - I mean, I did the whole rebound thing, but it was just about the sex, no emotional connection. That was long before I met G, who I talked about in my post above.

Even when you are healthy and whole, the first (also healthy) relationship ending can still be extremely painful.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:50 AM, January 26th (Saturday)]

Even when you are healthy and whole, the first (also healthy) relationship ending can still be extremely painful

Very true. They all hurt. But it seems like that first one after D cuts even deeper.

What Ama and Cmego said.

XWS ended our marriage in 2003. I met SO in 2004. We were each other's first relationship after bad marriages. That relationship ended 7 months ago (what is with that time frame?) I have felt worse in the last 7 months than I had when my 18 year marriage ended.

I look at the good that was brought into my life because of him. He gave me his strength to deal with my impossible X and X's NW (OW) and all the crap they tried to pull. He lent me his inner peace at a time when I couldn't have found peace if it was standing in front of me. For that I will always be grateful.

But in the meantime... I am not ready to date... I need to find my balance again.

It sucks. I like Ama's statement about dating when you're ready to deal with the break up. It sucks.

I remember that pain, it hurts like a son of a bitch and as you can see here, you have plenty of company. My IC said that when a dating relationship ends sometimes our brain neurons get caught in a loop of mourning and sadness. And since grief and mourning is something we so recently experienced with the ending of a marriage too these emotions can be extra intense and the loop can seem like it will go on forever. It wont though. Take good care of yourself--exercise, eat well, do things socially with friends etc.

This too shall pass!

Oh yeah, I could have written a number of the posts above. It really, really sucks, but it does get better with time. A lot of time. And yes, it sucks even more when you see your ex-spouse moving on seemingly happily.

((mblant01))

[This message edited by CluelessGuy at 7:20 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

It gives me a little peace to know that the depth of this pain is normal and that I'm not going nuts (of course if that hasn't happened with all the stress of the last year and a half I think I'm pretty safe now). I'm feeling very lonely overall on top of losing the relationship, double whammy. At least my college courses start up again tomorrow so my brain will be occupied with something other than this (and parenting of course!). I appreciate your support everyone, thank you

I think it happens a lot, but I don't believe it's a true emotional connection. It's just different from what we are used to, so we think it's so wonderful. Eventually reality sets in though and we begin to realize it isn't everything we thought it was.