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Is there anyone dealing with specifically WS who engaged in massage parlor visits? I'm one year out and I can't seem to stop those mental mind movies. The worst part is we have at least 15 of those type of massage places that offer full services in our county( google Rub Maps to find them in your town). I'm so paranoid that he will get the urge to go again. R is going well and he assures me that those days are over. I am very observant, and track his coming and going on "find my iPhone" and so far nothing has happened( I have a list of streets that all those places are located) and when his phone says he's at his office I double check the land line to make sure he's really there. I have read up on SA and it doesn't seem to fit his profile. Anyone have dreams of shutting this places down, since law enforcement doesn't seem to care to much about it? Wishful thinking but I thought I could start a organization and call it FAAMPA ( Families Against Asian Massage PArlors). First order of business would be a stakeout an take pictures of people coming in and out of there and ID them with their license plates. Just kidding, I'm venting and still trying to cope.

[This message edited by Mauimom1 at 9:04 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]

We have at least 4 of them in our area.

They get busted every once in a while. They close and reopen in the same place with a different name.

Our local newspaper will do a story when they get busted.

They always post their ages, most are in their 40's and 50's.

I don't like them, I don't like that they are in my area.

I would be willing to do a stake out and take pictures!

On a funnier note, one has a sign that faces the interstate. It offers a "hot tub" only someone taped over the "t" in hot and it says "ho" tub

That pretty much sums it up there doesn't it!

I have started using findmyiphone to track my WH. Do you know if it sends an alert to the phone so he knows that he is being tracked?

t/j jemimapd,

No, find my phone doesn't send an alert to their phone. But..if you tell them to notify you when it is found then it will alert their phone. They have to be near a wifi for it to pick up their location. I have it on my husband's phone( he knows). It works great.

My WH is not tech savvy. I have all apple devices set up to my iTunes account which has my email address. If the phone can't be located, I have it email my account when it's found. I would say 9 times out of ten his Iphone can be located. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know about this. I know this is not the best policy in R, but for me it's about sanity preservation.

Thank you both, I didn't want to hijack the thread but I too need it as a sanity preserver! He doesn't know I have started checking. If he did, he coud just leave the phone at a job site if he wanted to wander off which defeats the purpose. In my mind, he forfeited any right to privacy when I agreed to reconcile.

Jemima,

t/j

Might want to check iOS6 version. I thought someone mentioned that in that version it does send alert. We aren't running that so don't know.

I don't think FAAMPA is a good idea for a name. It sounds like a masturbating Wampa. Which is a really horrible thing.

Still going, what is a Wampa?

I guess I put too many thoughts in one post, my main concern is how people cope who are in R with infedelity involving Asian massage parlors?

Well maybe I just answered my own question that its a deal breaker for most couples.

It's the monster in the ice cave on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back.

I know there are several people dealing with this kind of thing as I've seen it mentioned occasionally in the JFO forum. I don't think I've seen it here in R before though.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your day improves and you have a nice weekend.

(((mauimom1)))

I am @ 22 months from dday of finding out my husband went to massage parlors when out of town for business. I was devastated.

He has done a complete turn around and been remorseful and is truly a new man. We are both totally committed to"us".

You asked how people cope who are reconcilling from this type of betrayal. I think the same way everyone else does. At about 15 months out, I accepted that this horrible thing had happened to me. I can't change it, he can't change it, if we love each other, we(I) need to move forward.

At this point I feel betrayal is betrayal. Massage parlors, prostitutes, craigs list, AFF(etc.), LTA's, ONS, affairs with coworkers or best friends...it all hurts like a knife in your chest. Everybody here is in pain and trying to move forward to something better (with or without your partner).

We went to MC for a couple months right after dday, I did not think that was very helpful. He lied to her about the extent of his cheating & she told me to draw a line in the sand with his details and move forward, stop asking ?'s...I had not found SI yet. Oh, she told me I was zanaxing my way thru this too...I took a low level of zanax for 2 months. But she did suggest we read The 5 Love Languages(by Gary Chapman) and The 7 Levels of Intimacy(by Matthew Kelly). Both totally changed our relationship. I love the Intimacy book. We talk, we are committed to "us", I travel with him some now, we work out together, we ask for what we need, I will never be that passive wife again . At 18 months out I went to a new MC for several sessions because I was still crying at night. She helped tremendously, husband came to a session too.

I still get sad, anxious, mad and have mind movies but it is getting better. I am so much stronger.

Me-BS 49

FWH-49

M 29 yrs

dday 3-19-11

R

Thank you forgiving now. Everybody's situation is pretty difficult. I think if you took a poll people on this forum would still probably walk in their own shoes.

I have not written my story yet, I haven't had the courage to yet, but there are bits and pieces of it in my posts.

We have been in MC for a year and I feel as if they have both swept the Asian massage parlor issue under the rug. Maybe it's something I need to address with IC, I haven't seen one yet.

At the same time he was going to the massage parlors, he had an EA with an employee. I'm sure it would have progressed to a PA, but she didn't like him. She was stringing him along financially to see what she could get out of it. She ended up suing for sexual harassment, it never went to court but settled . We took a huge hit financially over this. The last year was stressful dealing with the infedility and the lawsuit at the same time.

The issue that has been bothering me the most though is the Asian massage parlor. I can't get those mental mind movies out of my head. He loves massages. I imagine him going in there, lying on a table, enjoying his massage, and then when the flip came, negotiating whatever service he felt like. He had been doing this for at least 6 years. The worst part is there was never a time in our 16 year marriage that we didn't have sex at least 2x a week. We estimated that he's probably been with at least 20 massage parlor workers over the years. This grosses me out. He also says that I'm more attractive then any of them.. I hate that he completely knows my sexual history, but I don't know his.

I also question how he could just stop his behavior when he's been doing it for so long: it was a way of life.

The worst part is every time I come across young Asian women that barely speak English, I wonder what she really does. My favorite pedicure place is a huge trigger for me now, especially when they start massaging my legs. I start to wonder if she moonlights. I have become stereotypical and prejudiced, and I am ashamed of this.

Speaking of "Find My iPhone", which I used covertly and obsessively for the first few months of R, there is a new app through i06 called "Find Friends" which is "voluntary". fWH knows that I can track him the same way I did through find my iphone with this new app. Him refusing to accept my "Find Friends" request would have been a real red flag for me and he knew it.

mauimom1

You are incredibly strong to have dealt with infidelity and a law suit at the same time.

As far as just stopping this behavior, I think it is like the WS on here that just stop their affair, throw the OW under the bus & can't believe what they did or who they were once they are confronted or found out. The ones that are remorseful and do want to be married and work to make a better marriage.

I think anyone who has been cheated on worries it will happen again. My husband knows for me to stay married I need a faithful husband and deserve to be treated with respect and have love & passion.

Sent you a PM.

Massage parlors are disgusting. It goes beyond cheating. The people who work there are SEX SLAVES and CHILDREN. It is not even consentual.

This topic grates my nerves. It's worse than infidelity. It is a violation of human rights. How thick is the fog there?

Monsterbride

You are not stating anything that is not known or felt. Unfortunately for some of us, me, this is my reality.

I come to SI for support.

It's horrible, I guarantee that there is at least one in every town. Once you know what to look for, you see them everywhere. They are the ones that offer therapeutic massage. The windows and doors are often blacked out, that is your easiest clue.

It's a real problem, however they exist because its a big business.

I'm sure their biggest customer base is middle aged married men.

The worst part is every time I come across young Asian women that barely speak English, I wonder what she really does.

And...

I have become stereotypical and prejudiced, and I am ashamed of this.

I can relate with both of these statements. All of my WH's A's, except for the last one, were with Thai prostitutes. Every time I hear about Thailand, or see something that says Thai on it, I get incredibly bothered. Whenever I see a woman who looks remotely Thai I think "Whore". I realize this is terrible, but I just can't control it right now.

My WH also loves massages, and that's how is A's began....with a topless massage. Clearly he will never again be getting a massage if he wants to stay married to me. Its a deal-breaker.

I hate that he completely knows my sexual history, but I don't know his.

I can completely relate to that as well. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. To be honest I'm not sure if the A's were deal-breakers or not...I told my WH I would attempt R but the further we get into it the less I want to be here.

So no, you're not alone. I'm right here with you.

Thanks, Dameia for your honesty.

His foray into this world also started with massages for his bad back. Unfortunately he discovered the asian places were cheaper. It was a gradual introduction . Over time he became comfortable and he did more. Crap I don't know how he can live with himself. He has a medical background and actually did not consider this behavior risky. WTF? Jeez, why did I spend all those years getting flu shots and carrying hand sanitizer?

Sorry for my tone, I know this is in the R forum, I guess I'm crazy but I still love him.