SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my WH and I are in R or limbo...and he seems more jealous or suspicious that I am doing stuff like texting someone etc. First of all im not. Im crushed and he still doesnt get it that he was always the only one for me. But lately he keeps saying that he hopes he is the only one, and revenge cheating wouldn't help our situation and it would be the end of us. He is also concerned about men at work and anytime I get a text or call. I am a believer revenge anything isnt going to help and I never hide anything like that...he can look at my phone etc anytime.

Has anyone had any thing like this and why? I want to interpret is he cares for me but im not so sure....

To me, sounds like his affair is underground. A person isn't going to be suspicious of you unless they are doing it themselves. And you are not in R. R is when he has owned his shit and developed a plan with you to make sure it never happens again.

You are in limbo and this isn't going to help your relationship get any where.

Are you two long counseling, IC or MC?

Well personally sounds to me he is still cheating. Or in his mind if he could cheat then he knows you will too.

I hope you are both in counseling for the both of you.

Old saying of my dad's, "The guilty party does the accusing."

Cheating is what he does when under stress, so he assumes it's what you do.

Sex is how he relieves stress and so there is no such thing as "too tired," and is what is the most fun thing in the world to him, so when you don't want it from him, and are tired from the kids, he assumes all people are like himself, so is assuming you're getting it somewhere else.

Also, he is assuming you are doing what he would do under the same circumstances.

Or it's wishful thinking: If I get her to cheat, then I can keep cheating and and she can't complain about it.

I think you can deal with this by telling him that you'd never cheat because you know he would use that as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. So if this is what he's trying to do - push you away and into someone else's arms so he can have an open marriage - it's not going to work.

And that if you left him, it would be because of the marriage, and you wouldn't date again until after the divorce. Or that if he's trying to be such a jerk that you will leave him eventually because he wants out, for him to just say so and you'll file.

If you deliver this message to him in all seriousness, that should shut him up.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:47 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Sounds like he's gone underground and is deflecting on you so you won't look at him.

And, of course, what Samantha said is also a possibility.

If he's checking on you a lot, it means he's making sure you're at home and not going to pull up at a traffic light in the car next to him and OW.

An occasional VAR is always in order the first couple of years after a D-Day.

I don't agree that it means he's cheating.

I do think it means that he's finally realizing he's also replaceable. That if he can do it- so can you.

I say he might not be cheating because over the years on SI I have learned this is a common behavior of WSs, even those trying to become FWSs.

I also agree it does not mean he's cheating.

He f@cked up and is worried you may do the same.

Agree with Holly... His behavior totally doesn't mean he's cheating at all. He may be realizing the gravity of the situation and just a thought of being replaced is scary to him.

I don't agree with him being suspicious as you haven't given him a reason to so it's just selfish on his part. He hasn't gotten out of the "all about me" mentality that goes with the affairs. He should be focusing solely on you, family and healing himself not who are you texting etc. He needs to remember you are giving you the gift of R and to treat it as a very special opportunity.

Again... No I don't agree he is cheating but you must always listen to your gut.

I also don't agree that it means he is cheating. I think it could be a husband that might realize how horrible of a thing he did and doesn't want it to happen to him. However, that is another crappy thing to do because then he is just focusing on himself and his pain if it happened to him. He should be focusing on the fact that cheating DID happen to you and what he is going to do to fix it. My WH does the questioning the texting thing, too. Who is that? What are you talking about? The bad part of me wants to say, "my rich, well endowed boyfriend." I know that would be wrong and totally not helpful. I never once questioned who he was texting during his affair.

WH did this for a while. If I was 10 minutes late from Yoga, or spent too long at the grocery store, he would question me.

I think its just their fear that you will feel entitled to go have an A of your own.

Whenever WH got suspicious, I always responded "I would never cheat. I know how it feels, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy". He usually shut up after that.

I dont think he is cheating any more. No more calls, no texts, they work in separate buildings and he talks to me on every break and eats lunch with me everyday. He is more involved with the kids and he seems more involved with me. He doesnt want to talk about it and doesnt want counseling. Im giing to IC.

I told him I wouldn't cheat.

I hope it didn't go undeground...that would destroy what little is left if me.

While he may or may not have taken his affair underground, he is projecting--ascribing his own negative attributes to you, so that he can better cope. It helps keep him from feeling bad about himself.

Unfortunately, he needs to feel the impact of his actions if he's going to move forward constructively.

That he's projecting now, however, does not mean he will always protect himself from discomfort with maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Our minds protect us from from what we cannot tolerate, meting out pain in doses we can swallow.

(Yes, I know: BSs get walloped with intolerable pain. But even we then adopt coping mechanisms, and our own minds dole out pain in doses we can tolerate. Top on the list of the mechanisms used in the BS camp is denial.)

Anyway, with more time and a commitment to become a better man and husband, you may well see this sort of behavior changing.

If you do not, within a reasonable time frame (during which he is hopefully working hard in IC), see an improvement (reduction in defensiveness, reduction in projection, increased empathy and evidence of remorse, and so on), then yes---consider that his affair has not ended.

my fWH does this, and it's not nice.

I too don't think that your fWH's still in his A or has resumed it.

I think that, he, like my fWH worries that you might do the same as he has, and it scares him.

Oh, man, I can't even count the number of times JM pulled this with me. At the time we first S in 2011, he had no reason to suspect my fidelity. (It wasn't until after I came on SI that I realized the "almost affair" that I thought I had dodged was actually an EA, and JM was completely unaware of the "friendship" at all until I confessed to him.)

While we were S, he repeatedly asked if I was seeing someone. My answer was always the same: "I'm married. Married people don't date or have sex with other people."

He then remarked that I had "gotten rid of my wedding rings quick enough". I agreed and told him he had destroyed what those rings meant, and I would never put them back on. He started again on me dating and I told him I would not be answering that question again.

Then, he started going through my phone and reading texts/phone numbers. He asked if there was "something going on" between me and a female friend. (Yeah, you ruined me. I've turned lesbian because of you. ) I said No. And he said, "Well, why is she telling you that you're beautiful and she wishes she could make things better for you?

I almost stabbed him. I said because she was my friend and my life SUCKED and she was trying to make me feel better.

When they are active in wayward thinking (regardless of whether there is active cheating) they see the world through their dishonest, f-ed up filters.

JM is absolutely mortified now when he recalls those conversations.

interesting thread.

My WH checked up on me ONCE, he tried to do it without me knowing, and i caught him red handed. He had the nerve to check my cellphone a couple weeks after DDay and accuse me of going down the slippery slope with the OW's BH.

I flew into a fit of rage and told him to pack his shit and get the fuck out. He slept in the basement that night.

Now...after i calmed down and we talked the next day...i know it was because he was projecting his crap onto me. He feared because HE went down the slippery slope and had an A, that i was vulnerable. I explained to him that I know myself, i know my boundaries and i am very comfortable with them. I don't have it in me to cheat, i'm just not wired that way. Just because HE chose to go down that path does not mean i would. I have never EVER given him a reason to distrust me. I pointed out to him that he has ALWAYS had my passwords to everything...not for any other reason then he just did. i never had anything to hide. we are partners in this life, so it never bothered me that he could look at my email whenever.

so in my personal situation, i saw it as him going into oversensitive hyperdrive trying to protect the marriage, protect us, protect me. He had also just finished reading the Not Just Friends book, and was heavily into reading and posting on SI....so i think he was overthinking and over analyzing. And probably a little bit of fear...is she going to do this now because i did it.

BTW, he only did that once and has seen the error of his ways. Now, if there is ever a question about anything, he asks me and we talk about it. He still has access to my stuff. Transparency is an important 2 way street.

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 10:18 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Wow I wish I would have posted this after DD...my ws exact behavior towards me and....he went underground like the sewer rat he is.

He was asking who I was texting, talking to, going through my phone, my car.

@ heartbroken..I'm sorry but have to agree with the others.