SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I've been refusing sex, not all the time, sometimes i'm receptive.

We separated following ddays, and sex didn't start again until after fWH had come back. HB was good.

Now, and for quite a while, i've sometimes felt really dirty during, or afterwards. There have been times when i haven't been able to sleep following sex, or have struggled the next day- feeling really shitty about myself. I have mind movies, a lot of the time too, these are fleeting images of fWH and OW doing stuff together.

Where I atm is, I want fWH- I find him attractive, and want to feel that closeness, but i can't/daren't because I know that i'll feel dirty (again). I sometimes 'say no' once things have started, during teasing/foreplay. fWH gets ticked off then, but only briefly. He's soon okay again.

I sometimes 'say no' because I know that this will tick him off too, i admit that.

We haven't had sex for almost two weeks, and before that was about a week or two. I can tell that fWH wants to, he's doing the stuff he does when he REALLY wants to.

Is this to be expected? Has anyone else felt like I do?

many thanks ER

I am going through the exact same mess. After having sex the last time, I had a panic attack, couldn't sleep that night, and had a nightmare. I felt as if I had cheated on myself. I hope this is a stage, and I've been told it is. I feel ashamed after having sex with my WW. I have flashbacks of mind movies too while in the act. You are not alone. I told my WW that it is not healthy for me to be intimate with her right now. My IC said its ok to honor myself concerning this issue. Of course he didn't offer suggestions as to how to fix this!

We are not in R by any stretch of imagination. Most of the things you said apply to me and I too have been withholding sex after the initial HB which lasted about a month. I just do not feel comfortable having sex or being intimate with her.

Oh, the mind movies.. They are an absolute bitch. After HB, I triggered almost every time we have sex. As mentioned on SI a lot, I tried faking it till I make it. Did not work.

If she tries to come close and initiate things, I say no most of the times. I dont need to go through the trauma of having sex just for the heck of it. Sometimes, when I want to feel the closeness, I withhold and withhold more.. the feeling fades off normally.. at times it becomes a very strong urge. That is when I let myself go and she has never refused upto now. When the urge is that strong, I find that the things related to the A and the mind movies take a back-seat and I can be in that moment. I no longer do it for her sake. It will happen only if I want it strongly.

Two weeks?...I am on 6 month's. Sexual betrayal is a bitch. It is the ULTIMATE in betrayal and rejection. We had a rather normal return to sex the first year after DD (but it was a major trigger), and then like the others on here, I started feeling like I was betraying my own integrity by continuing. I miss it greatly, but I have never felt better about myself...I feel very strong emotionally not dealing with that trigger for now. Our non-sexual relationship is strengthening day by day without sex. I know when the time is right it will return...If I want it to.

BB I too feel ashamed afterwards, very, as if i've let myself down. This is what I mean when I say that I feel dirty.

Its horrible.

I could have written this. Yes, HB was great, but after that...nothing. I feel, dirty, shitty, mind movies, and degraded...the whole 9 yards.

My WH and I actually discussed this last night. The thought of him touching me the way he did his APs makes my skin crawl. The thought that some of MY favorite things to do to him (yeah, tmi a little) I can't enjoy doing anymore because his APs did it too. I can't imagine putting my mouth where they have (yeah, tmi a LOT, sorry). It all grosses me out. All of it.

I have my own needs and favorite "activities" that I can't even think of enjoying with him anymore because he has shared that with other women.

The word gross can't even encompass all the feelings that go with the idea of being sexually intimate with him anymore.

Well first off, you certainly don't have to if you don't want to. It's perfectly understandable and your right. But it sounds like you do want to, so I will share what WH does that has helped me.

First of all, he's made a clear distinction between having sex and making love. He calls it that and makes it feel that way. It makes me feel like we are actually doing something different from what they did. Because while mechanically it may be similar, mentally it's completely different. Which may be splitting hairs, but it truly does help me.

The other thing is that when we do it, it is what most people would consider "boring". Very gentle, very "vanilla". In fact, it's pretty much exactly the same every time and for me, the predictability makes it less scary. In the very beginning he would try to make it kind of "extra special" and this was terrible. Anything that felt the slightest bit different would completely freak me out bc I would assume it was something he brought back from the A. So, for now we do it the "boring" way and it ends up being comforting.

As for the guys out there, I really feel for you. I am usually not very aroused, if at all, until we're in the middle of it. So I don't know how you guys manage. My hat is off to you if you are able to do it AT ALL. You should feel like superman.

This has crossed my mind. I've not been strong enough to withhold from him though and is not all the time.

I sometimes feel like he cheated and now he gets what he wanted, better sex more often...I get poor self esteem. I have occasionally felt dieu like I withdrew into myself to protect me. As far as him being touched by her. ..I try and tell myself he'd been with a lot of women before me. .. He swears he never had sex with both of us on the same day

I find myself in the same boat. HB was good after DDay#1, but DDay#2 has all but put a huge damper on our sex life. I just don't get into it anymore and most of the time he is drunk and it takes forever and it doesn't feel like making love, just sex for him.

His main excuse for cheating was that I wouldn't have sex with him enough. When actually we did have sex, but alot of the times he would pass out in the middle of it. He also got to where he would grope me everytime I walked by him. That was insulting and a total turn off and I kept telling him not to do that. His OW undoubtably liked to be groped and I guess thats why he would do it. He stopped doing that thankfully after DDay#1 and hasn't tried that anymore. I think he knows I would slap him now if he tried that again.

I don't think that I will ever really want to have sex with him again. I just no longer feel special to him, just another woman for him to use and toss aside. He has not really tried alot lately, which makes me wonder if he isn't getting it elsewhere, which is what happened for a few months before DDay#1. In a way I hope he is. It will make the D easier for me to handle when the time comes.

I feel validated reading this thread. Thanks!

I also feel degraded during/after sex. WH is being loving and remorseful, but I don't care. I am thinking of the complete lack of respect he had for me during the A.

I am hoping that the problem is that I need to sort through all these feelings about the past before I can be fully present now. It's like I'm feeling this protectiveness and shame for my past self. I can see her: sweet, clueless, putting on her sexiest lingerie and trusting a man who came straight from OW's bed. I feel humiliated for her and I want to stand up for her and respect her since WH and OW don't.

It's as if when we have sex now, I am still in the past, only now I'm not clueless. Logically, I know that WH is being loving, remorseful, respectful . . . but my heart says he's a two-timing jerk and I'm not going to lower myself to that.

Maybe once I process all the levels and depths of betrayal, I'll be able to leave it behind. Then, WH's love won't feel fake and I'll be able to accept his respect and desire.

Anyone BTDT?

Sailorgirl

You put it so well. I too think about how my WW came home from having sex with OM and proclaimed her love for me. I see unsuspecting me hanging out with OM while thoughts of how he had sex with my wife ran through his mind. He was tennis instructor for me, my WW and my daughter. Makes me so angry at How I was such an unsuspecting trusting fool. Now I want to protect myself and give myself some self respect back. You hit the nail on the head. Having sex with my WW would make me feel like I have no self respect left. Perhaps I need to process the past betrayal more myself before I will feel I can be intimate with my WW. But the more I think about it the more distant I feel.

Count me in. I know I am avoiding sex. Quite happy for our little fellow to crawl into our bed for a cuddle. Quite happy to fall asleep before him, to avoid his overtures.

Really frequency has been declining for a while. and this time it has been nearly three weeks.

I don't quite have the feelings afterwards that you describe. I do get mind movies still sometimes.

And I have detached.

I know it is making him feel insecure and anxious. And I just struggle to even really hug him (beyond a gentle cuddle here and there) - because I know he will sexualise it and I am avoiding rejecting him.

I don't know what is going on with me. I know I don't feel safe, but there is no one thing in his behaviour that gives me cause to feel this way (here and now).

it is terrible. ER you are not alone.

I'm in year 3 from Dday. We had a great sex life before/during his PA. He says it was not about sex. When he says this I either say out loud or quietly to myself- "whatever!". Anyway, we did HB for several weeks- like 6- then I had baby #4 so things quieted down. After baby #1 we had sex regularly- and I cried our felt disgusting so many times- mind movies were a problem for 2 years I'd say. Year 3 it better in the sense that I don't think about OW as much- probably 80% of time (depressing but it's an improvement). I can definitely relate to this post...

The other thing is that when we do it, it is what most people would consider "boring". Very gentle, very "vanilla". In fact, it's pretty much exactly the same every time and for me, the predictability makes it less scary. In the very beginning he would try to make it kind of "extra special" and this was terrible. Anything that felt the slightest bit different would completely freak me out bc I would assume it was something he brought back from the A. So, for now we do it the "boring" way and it ends up being comforting.

My reality right now:

I get so angry about what my WH has done to my/our sex life. The truth is, it has never been the same for me. I used to feel so free, innocent, intimate, passionate. Now- it's hard to give your all when the person you are married to you has stabbed you in the back with a butcher knife! Especially for those of us who had a great marriage and were happy. I'm dumbfounded that he would risk it all! So- I'm pissed! I'm beautiful, fit, down-to-earth, a great mom and I should be having FANTASTIC sex! The only problem is FANTASTIC equals FIDELITY for me. So i settle for my WH and the sex life we have. It's less often, hard for me emotionally, and I feel like I'm missing out. I have found myself hoping and praying for another relationship in my future- like if my husband dies or something- a relationship where I can be with a faithful man, that I can be myself, and have sex all the time and we both are so into each other that we would never risk the love we have for some stupid empty affair.

We are 9 months out from d-day and WH and I have not had sex in over 6 months. When he touches me I am repulsed due to his A but there were issues before all that already due to the way WH treated me throughout our marriage. We are both survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We have 4 IC between the 2 of us. 1 each dealing with the childhood abuse and FOO and the other 2 IC work hand in hand with each other as they are part of a programme dealing with domestic abuse under which WH's porn addiction and other sexually related issues fall. We have been advised by all IC to refrain from sex as it would compromise the intense work we are doing as we are both dysfuntional with regards to sex. An easy thing for me but difficult for WH...amazingly though he is doing very well. Barring all the above though I still do not want to have sex with WH as the thought that he touched, kissed and had sex with another woman is sickening to me!

It's so hard. My fWh had relations with many Asian massage parlor workers.

I feel so dirty. This is the way I work through it. We had a vow renewal ceremony. Anything he did before then, just as before we were married is his past sexual history.

I know it's overly simplistic thinking but it does help me cope.

t/j Mom-of-4, do you know the reasons why your H was able to have an affair, even though he was a good person who loved you very much (read your profile)?

The reasons are not in any way justifications or excuses. But, for me, the reasons help me know WH better than I ever have before (because he wasn't sharing himself completely). As he opens up to me about his abusive childhood and his screwed-up self-image, he is being vulnerable to me in a way he never has been with anyone else.

Slowly, he is breaking down the denial that he uses as a coping mechanism and I see more and more remorse. Even though we had a wonderful marriage before, now I feel a connection with him that is more honest and intense. I'm thinking this is going to lead to more intimate passionate sex albeit someday.

I hope you can feel like your husband is faithful now and going forward.