I had a weird realization the other day. BSO and I live at my moms house and she is a bit of a "collector" to put it mildly. The house is full of stuff and she's ashamed so she just doesn't let people in. BSO and I have done a tremendous amount of work clearing out the "stuff" but each time, she just gets more. She hasn't addressed the problem and from time to time, she puts the blame on others, or on not having enough storage space. But the problem is clear as day to me. She's just not addressing what makes her "collect" and then hide it away.
My dilemma comes in here... I am a house cleaner and home organizer by profession and I own my own business. I feel like by living in this mess, I'm not being authentic. That I'm a hypocrite. This hadn't occurred to me previously, of course the stuff is overwhelming, but now, through all the work and digging, I can't lie. Its a slippery slope for me, and it makes me feel terribly uneasy and anxious.
It's weird! The way I correlated the dirty house and lying. It really opened my eyes to the progress I've made and to how this time last year how the lies were starting to really add up and consume me to the point where I just gave up on reality and coasted into a fantasy world that led to the crazy thinking. It led to me just checking out of real life and paved the way for that drop down the slope into the PA.
It allowed for me to justify hurting BSO and to lie to cover the other lies which id concocted to cover up the other lies. To deny to him that there was anything going on even though his gut was screaming and I was making him crazy. I was so cruel! I will forever hate that i hurt the love of my life. And the worst part is, it was the gateway to more lies and crazy A behavior.
Wow! Sorry, this started out as just a thought, but has turned into a lot more than I intended. Bear with me.
So, I continued to lie, and hide behind those lies for months to avoid what was really going on and how I was hurting him so deeply.
After the final dday, I was in so deep, I had trouble distinguishing between what id really done and the insanity id created by justifying the hell out of my behavior. And then came the defensiveness and anger, the shame and guilt, all things that though were despicable, they were necessary in order for me to hit the rock bottom that forced me to start the real work of learning to live authentically.
Now lying feels so unnatural and disgusting, even the smallest white lie I observe in my family, friends and anyone really, can trigger me so badly. It hurts me to have to live this way, to hide behind this mess when I spend so much time teaching others how to rid themselves of it. I told her that its so hard for me to live this double life after all I've been doing, but she just got defensive and argued that blah blah blah, same old excuses, I'm making her feel bad... all things I have done in the past. Hmmm... wonder where I learned that behavior? Anyway, I know that this opens up a whole new layer of realization and work, and I'm so ready to start doing this. I have a plan for cleaning the house, (she'll be away for the next month, and I told her what I'm going to do), and I also think this is an opportunity to really grow and learn about myself, and and uncover more about what led me to that slope in the first place. And if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading.