SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are you guys feeling today?

I am feeling beaten down and bruised(mentally, not physically). I'm still struggling with allowing myself to feel the true grief and devastation I've caused BSO, myself, and our relationship.

Our first dday was in April 2012. As were get closer to it, BSO continues to be angry, sad depressed, and to withdraw, further away from me, from us. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness. He feels to me like he has given up. He doesn't want to talk anymore and his hurt transparent and constant. I want to hold him and make him feel safe.

My main struggle with this is, I feel like I'm not allowing myself to mourn at all. I have this tremendous sense of guilt about feeling my emotions. I've discovered through working on myself, this guilt goes all the way back to childhood. I'm working hard on this. It's changing, It doesn't happen as often, and when it does, I try to break it down and work through it. Today though, it just sucker punched me in the gut. I just feel like my world is just to heavy today. My emotions areso heavy, I can't breathe. Real true debilitating depression like I haven't felt in years. I'm not looking for advice, and I don't have a question, just wanted to open a thread for anyone who might be feeling similarly today. Maybe we can help each other get through the pain and through the day.

(((((Hugs)))))

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 6:51 AM, March 25th (Monday)]

*sorry title posted before I could fix it. Durned fart phones

I understand. I felt this way all weekend. Although he asked for D last week, BH is still living at the house and will continue to do so for a few weeks as he is traveling full time again. He was also gone all weekend with friends.

So I am trying to work through the shock and pain with him gone but not really gone. When he is home, he still wants to sleep in the same bed (comfort, not sex)- so I am mourning the M but part of it still seems still there.

He came home last night and tole me how much he missed me- but he doesnt want to give me hope as he still wants D. He is a very confusing man.

In one way, I feel a bit stronger because I am not willing to go back to limbo. I would only agree to call off the D if he were able to fully commit. On the other hand, maybe I only feel this way because he is not physically gone yet...

Hey cinn... I'm so sorry to hear about where you are today. I am only 3 weeks into this horrible place I created so I'm not sure what I can offer you. But you are alive and are aware that this is temporary, right? I struggle too with how can I fix myself and deal with my own guilt/shame/remorse while trying to put all my energy into helping BS deal with all this I have dumped on her life.