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Newest Member: FaithGrace

New Beginnings :
Loneliness....

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 persevere (original poster member #31468) posted at 4:17 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

We talk a lot in NB about learning to be alone, and I've been talking to my new IC about this as well. It seems to be making me focus on it and feel it all the more.

Maybe that's how it has to be - the "you have to go through it to get through it" thing. But it's hard and I think it's part of the wall I've been hitting now that I'm feeling like I'm past DDay, D and XWH for the most part.

My IC says that empty nesting, moving, and changing careers, all within three months of each other last fall is a lot to deal with. Maybe now that I've had the time to settle into it a little, the after affects are just starting to really hit me. The biggest being the fact that, except for work, I am alone most of the time.

I have friends who I spend time with, but the time at home alone is hard. I have a BF, but he has his kids every other week, so we only see each other on the alternate weeks. And now he's starting to travel internationally for work, so it's even less.

I've joined a new Meetup group that I plan to actually participate in. I'd like to meet some new people.

But I'm interested in other's experience in how they dealt with the loneliness thing.

ETA - Please excuse my misspelling of "Loneliness" LOL.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:18 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

posts: 5329   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2011
id 6288702
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 persevere (original poster member #31468) posted at 4:20 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I would like to add, I think the difference from after my first D, is that I had my kids. It's very different with adult children.

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

posts: 5329   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2011
id 6288706
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Survivor3512 ( member #37946) posted at 5:03 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

(((Persevere))) I think joining a meet up group is a good way to meet others. This is something I struggle with as well. When my kids are with their dad, I struggle to fill my time. If I sit home alone too much I get depressed. I live in a really small town, so meet ups aren't a very good option. But, I am active in my church and have friends and activities there. I don't know if you are religious, but if so, that could be an option for you too.

Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

posts: 293   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Southeastern U.S.
id 6288739
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 5:04 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I've been alone for five years now.

Estranged from most of my family, so I've learned to make a new family out of the people around me who care about me ... Mostly co workers. I'm very blessed to be part of a wonderful crew.

I guess I'm a bit of an introvert, and quite cerebral, so that means I get a lot of joy out of studying, being back in school, researching and writing.

Also spend a lot of time with my TV in the winter.

At first I resisted the idea that being without a mate was even possible.

Now I can hardly imagine making the time for one LOL.

Lately I've been fairly social, going out for regular happy hours and dinner with my peeps from work and school.

And I love coming home, closing the door and being alone.

I think it's a lot tougher for folks with kids who leave the nest, the transition can be unsettling.

It's a process.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21594   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 6288740
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Frasierkev ( new member #36875) posted at 5:10 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I struggle with this as well and even when I have my kids. I think it's yet one more window we all must past thru during the healing process. The desire to be loved and wanted by someone is strong and when it's not there anymore, loneliness and depression certainly set in.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2012
id 6288746
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hurtinky ( member #26152) posted at 5:42 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I'm the odd bird who never feels lonely. I always have something to do at home. I am so grateful that I don't feel lonely. I bet it is awful.

I think having a lot of hobbies helps.

My hobbies are a things I can do alone and at home.

Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12


posts: 1500   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6288769
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Sunnie ( member #33406) posted at 11:38 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

Since the S I too am alone a lot but I rarely feel lonely. I'm an introvert though and I have always needed alone time. But here are the activities that I do to enjoy being alone or feel less lonely (aside from going to work):

1. Gym 3x per week

2. Joined a running group (1x per week) + running alone 3-4x per week

3. Volunteer (meet 1x per week)

4. Photography course (meet 2x per month but try to practice at least 1x week)

5. Read (I LOVE to read)

6. Stay in touch with my family and friends (as I live in another town far away - at least 2x per month)

7. Try not to say no to a social invitation (usually get an unexpected one 1x month)

8. Do my therapy homework (30 min EVERY DAY)

That keeps me pretty busy but no so busy that I am overwhelmed. I also want to start a creative writing course soon.

If you don't know what to do, why don't you start a bucket list: list all the things you ever want to do, list all the steps for each thing that you need to do to achieve the goal and start working on each step.

Good luck!

ETA: it sounds like you already have social interactions and want more in order to feel less lonely. But in my opinion, being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. I think it is important for you to find things to do alone that will make you happy. When you feel comfortable doing things by yourself and actually start looking forward to your "me time" you will feel much less lonely even though you are alone.

[This message edited by Sunnie at 5:46 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

Me: BS (32)
Together: 14 years
DDay: May 18, 2011
Separation date: November 18, 2012

posts: 73   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2011
id 6288870
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 12:48 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I'm really struggling with this lately. I work, go to the gym, and read.

I have friends that I do things with, but there is an empty spot in my life that is sometimes hard to ignore.

There are days on the weekends that go by without ever speaking to another human being. And there are times that I can't remember the last time that I've touched another person.

I'd like to say that it gets better, but I guess you just get used to it.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6288893
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LadyQ ( member #32847) posted at 3:03 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

Williesmom, funny you mention touching. I find since I'm alone now, I touch others more in casual settings. Not like a grope or anything, but I find myself placing my hand on someone, or doing side hugs or whatever. It's interesting because I've never really been very physical. I find touch to be very personal and I don't normally share that with just anyone. I get plenty of hugs and kisses from my kiddos and the kids at school, but I find that I miss that aspect just a teensy bit.

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2011
id 6288988
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 8:58 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

Yeah, my 22 year old nephew is the last person that touched me. Heis 6'4" and just wraps you in a full body hug. I just need that contact sometimes.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6289335
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 10:48 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I'm introverted and shy, so I spend a lot of time alone, and I'm rarely lonely, but every once in a while it hits. Usually when I see or hear that DS is visiting his father or enjoying a holiday with DIL's family.

So, I plan an outing; it doesn't help immediately but if I have something to look forward to, I know it's going to get better.

If all else fails, I drink...

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6289449
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gardenparty ( member #12050) posted at 11:51 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013

I made a point after my separation to never say no to any invitation. Someone would phone me and ask if I wanted to go for a walk...YES...a movie...YES...help paint their living room...YES. Even when I was dog tired I went and slowly built up a friend group that has become for me the biggest joy since my divorce. It did take time and a lot of effort but I am so glad that I did put myself out there.

divorced!

posts: 3194   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2006   ·   location: newfoundland
id 6289519
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BrokenSpirit50 ( member #34485) posted at 12:33 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2013

Persevere, I'm right there with you. I feel it.

I try to remind myself we might feel lonely but, we are never alone. We have all our fellow SIers :-D

I make sure I see my family at least once a week. I don't have kids but, I do have a 92 yo father.

I joined a grief group through church and I have made some caring friends.

I try to spoil my dog by a long weekend walk.

I joined a meetup group.

I work on a project in my house or craft project.

I read and watch TV. (I don't advocate TV but, I'm guilty)

good luck

Married 32 years, together for 40
DDay Dec. 17, 2011
No R, D June 21, 2012

Me BS 58
Him WH 59

Now with WBF 3 yrs. DD#2 June 5, 2018

Truth is like surgery, it hurts but heals. A Lie is like a painkiller. It gives instant relief but has si

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 6289560
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WeAreAllOne ( new member #29981) posted at 2:17 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2013

Losing Your Loneliness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6gS8PqD6lo&list=PL48A21F28DD54DE31&index=1

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2010
id 6289666
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twiceburned ( member #21590) posted at 11:00 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2013

It is so odd that I stumbled upon this thread. I have felt lonely for the first time in forever. I don't know if I am sending off bad vibes, usually I light up and connect in social settings. I went out the other night to watch basketball and have wings, sat in the bar area with random people all around. I have never felt so alone. I tried to smile and talk, but I felt invisible. It was very odd for me, but I felt alone. I will say that for me, even feeling alone and somewhat sad is better than being with the wrong person.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time......

posts: 151   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2008   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 6290776
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 12:41 AM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

I am very rarely lonely, as I definitely have an introverted side. Plus I deal with people all day at work and I can converse with my parrots while at home (granted, the conversation is not scintillating as mostly we just say "Hello" and "How are you?" back and forth...)

However, one thing I haven't seen mentioned explicitly yet (so maybe it's just true for me and not for other people) is that when I do feel kind of lonely, it's when I'm doing a passive, rather than an active, hobby.

For example, if I spend the weekend at home and basically just read, that makes me feel more lonely than if I run, paint, go to a museum, etc. Even if those more active hobbies are just done at home. (Note: I do read a lot, but make sure to do other things over the weekend as well.)

Just sitting there watching TV seems strange and rather lonely, but if I'm knitting a scarf while watching, the time flies by and I don't even notice that I'm alone.

So I guess I'd recommend trying to pick up a more active hobby or two (and I don't even mean active as in running -- though I pretty much always recommend that as a great hobby) but something that keeps your hands and mind active, like knitting, making mosaics, painting, puzzles, sudoku, sculpture, weaving, sewing, etc.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6290875
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ISPIFFD ( member #26367) posted at 1:12 AM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

I've been struggling with this since exWH moved out three years ago. I do a LOT better now than at first, but the loneliness still rears its ugly head periodically. I am alone with my cats most of the time when I'm not at work, so I'm trying to get out more, joined a couple meetup groups, make myself talk to my new neighbors even if it's just "hi, how's it going?" in passing, and not depend on the one friendship I have in this town that I was way over depending on.

I see my IC and this is a main topic. She's supportive but also big on "baby steps" since a lot has happened in the past couple years. Don't be too hard on yourself is a biggie here. What I'm noticing is that overall, I'm a lot happier being alone than I used to be. Like hurtinky, I vote for hobbies. I've taken up soap making and knitting. And I'm volunteering at the local cat shelter so that I don't adopt anymore cats myself

I think you're already doing good things to conquer your loneliness. That whole damn "Time" thing is a key here, unfortunately.

(((((persevere)))))

I'm done here; sick of 2 x 4s

posts: 2057   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2009
id 6290908
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ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 2:26 AM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

when I do feel kind of lonely, it's when I'm doing a passive, rather than an active, hobby.

I find loneliness has nothing to do with what I'm doing, or not doing, and everything to do with what I'm THINKING. And negative thinking is easier with passive activities.

Have you ever read "Inside-out healing : transforming your life through the power of presence" by Richard Moss?

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

posts: 2144   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2009
id 6290999
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