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My SO revealed a secret to me tonight that he has kept from everyone his entire adult life. Out of respect to him I will not post it here but suffice it to say that when he told me it my transgressions seemed magnified by 100 and I was crying and wailing so hard at how much I had hurt him with my actions. I asked him why he would keep such a secret from me and he said it didn't matter until what I did. It explains so much why he is not in this R as much as I am. It explains...a lot.

Thing is I don't think this in anyway detracts from his actions to me yet I think I am allowing it to make my actions take precedence. I know they are separate issues but I feel like anytime I talk about my issues with his actions and I share my expectations and wait for him to do the same it gets turned around and we end up talking about what I did.

I don't know if there was a point in all this. I feel lost. He says he'd understand if him keeping this from me from day one is a deal breaker or if my actions are too much for us to be together. Sounds like he's looking for an out..or maybe he really wanted me to know.

Help...

BS here. You aren't scum. You made a poor choice and you caused someone you love immeasurable pain. BUT! You are here, doing the work and owning your shit. You are giving your all to repairing the damage you caused.

You are so NOT scum.

((((Unagie))))

Be gentle with yourself.

I don't know, U. It's difficult to understand given you can't explain. But I am hard-pressed to understand how something from his past is going to magnify your A by 100x.

His issues are still his.

Are you sure he wasn't telling you this to tip the scales? Make you feel more guilty?

What is he actually doing to be transparent now?

Exactly what CheaterMagnet said X2.

(((Unagie)))

Hang in there.

I talk about my issues with his actions and I share my expectations and wait for him to do the same it gets turned around and we end up talking about what I did.

Unagie - This is concerning. Even more so given the fact that you are allowing your actions to take precedence in light of this new secret information from him.

I have similar misgivings to what Mrs Panda posted. It almost seems like it's intended to tip the balance and focus back to how awful your actions were and take the focus off of him and his actions.

Unagie c'mon girl, you know the drill.

You cannot do anything about anyone else's past life. You cannot change anything. You control you. Your actions, your thoughts, you.

Does it suck to see people we love hurting? Most deff. But you cannot assume that responsibility or guilt. It will kill you. Trust me, I know!

I will be the third person to think the same thing Mrs. Panda said.

Something is off.

I "get" sharing past hurts and traumas. But when he is always turning the conversation onto what you did, always deflecting the conversation off him, and then he throws in his secret...something's up.

JMHO

I'm with Mrs. Panda, NIK, and Aubrie here.

Unagie, you can be there for him, and hurt for the past him....BUT that doesn't change what he chose to do to you. And you can't let him take his feet away from the fire just so you can stand on the coals.

He needs IC. Badly.

Thing is I don''t think this in anyway detracts from his actions to me yet I think I am allowing it to make my actions take precedence.

It''s good that you''re not letting him off the hook. That is more for his own sake just as you owning your behaviors is for yours.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:26 PM, April 9th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

I learned something about a family member a number of years ago. Sort of explained some things. Then about a year and a half ago, it came to a head, he took the path that he thought he needed to take, and we haven't spoken since because I realized I can't do anything about his issues and he is not going to deal with them, even 30 years later.

Your WBF, because he is you know...has to deal with his own shit. Period. Don't help him to avoid working on things just because you fucked up. You're doing the work, why can't he?

I want to thank all of you. I'm feeling a little better right now although my heart is still constricting at moments. I want to make it clear its not abuse or molestation but something very important to the beginning of our relationship and how we would have approached each other. When I said from day one I meant the first weeks I met him 10 years ago. I am not letting him off but this new info truly made me feels so much worse although he held me, begged me to stop crying, and told me it doesn't change what I did that he was trying to let me understand why he's been acting the way he has. He understands that this new info comes as a blow and I asked so many questions and re-examined so many things said to me through our years that just supported this lie he's been telling me for 10 years. While it did and still is making me feel worse for my actions I also was so angry that he would lie about something so important for 10 years...I am not letting him off the hook I just need to process this info. He says he wants me back home but my stuff is still in storage and I've told him I'm still not sure.

I'm working through all this shit and want to see if I can scrape the money together for an IC session because I've been going less since my savings is slowly being drained but I think I need to talk this through. Thank you all again for your support.

Oh and to answer a question from earlier his phone is free if I want to look through it, as is his email and the bill. He answers any questions I have without anger and simply asks if I need to ask more. I'm just tired like I said in another post but I want this to work with everything in me.

(((Unagie)))

I read this post last night right after you posted it and felt my response might be too harsh for a first response. I sat on it for almost 24 hours and I still feel the same about what I'm going to write.

I think he's manipulating you- again. He's a master at manipulation, blameshifting, projection... I think codependency is an issue in your relationship- a HUGE one because I have seen you take blame for things that had nothing to do with you. I've seen him twist your head around six ways to Sunday. *sigh* Please don't move back. Not until some major issues have been addressed, if ever.

ThoughtIKnewYa don't ever hold back please. I appreciate everyone's advice and you have been there for me through so much of this shitstorm.

Ummmm.....no. Step away from for a sec.

TBH, I get the sense that you are being jerked around like a rag doll. This *secret* supposedly played a part in his response to how he dealt with your A, sheds light on his atrocious post-A behavior, and is now being *brought to light* in order to...what???....get the *desired* result of watching you disintegrate again over YOUR previous actions????

Last I heard....he was being a dick-ish cheating fool, you moved out and put his spiteful/vengeful ass in your rear-view mirror.....and now you are a sobbing mess in his arms because of some *long-kept* secret from your early relationship years?

I'm not buying it.

Was his *secret* an issue and a *problem*? Maybe. The thing is, though.....if this *secret* shed so much light on why your cheating *hurt* him, don't you think he would have shared it back then? BS's are total emotional dumps. In the aftermath of Dday, if a BS is *hurting* over something....it's getting vomited all over the WS.

How convenient that your guy chose to wait until he had some RA shit under his belt before he *shared* with you.

And what are you doing in such close and intimate proximity to him anyway? Have you established that he's cut off all contact with the OW's?

I don't post much on your threads but I do follow them and I'm always impressed by how much you want to make things right.

That being said, I sort of have to question the timing of his revelation as well. How did it even come up? What was his reason for telling you whatever it was? Is it conductive or necessary to R? Or is it simply a red herring?

You're such a brave, kind person who wants to do the right thing... just don't take on more blame and work than is rightfully yours.

You are NOT scum. At all.

I know for certain contact has been cut with one OW and I'm pretty positive contact has been cut with the other as well but he knows I cannot fully commit without this. The friend I was staying with had her mom come stay with her for 2 months. This would not have been an issue if her mom had not brought 5 friends with her to stay for 2 months as well. There was just no room for me so I am back in my house until I can find a place to stay. I have applied for housing and have spoken to other friends and family with no results yet. He is aware of all this as I keep no secrets, I refuse to. Thus we have spent time together and some of it is good and some of it is talking through our shit. His confession came as part of me saying what I want for us to be and what I want him to show. We were discussing what we needed from each other in a R. Its almost amusing though I there are these bookcases that form a kind of wall. All my stuff is on one side. His computer and the sofa is on the other. On the side my stuff is on is a huge beanbag chair filled with mattress foam called a sumo chair. This is where I am most of the time I am in the house. I eat here, sleep here, watch shows on my kindle fire here and study here. This is my only option if I want to not be homeless while I finish this semester.

I stated that his secret came at a strange time and asked why he didn't tell me before. He gave me his reasons which while they sound legit do not hold much water with me as this is something I feel I should have known years ago, long before A. The thought has come in my mind that I wonder what else he could keep from me if he kept this for 10 years. I still need to address this.

I am not making excuses, excusing or taking any more blame. I am processing and continuing to work on me. Thank you for all your responses and I sincerely have read all and taken in so much.

His issues are his issues. He has to deal with them just as you have to deal with your issues. I agree with some of the other posters that are saying this sounds like more manipulation. You beat yourself up alot after Dday and you don't need to go back down that hole again. Even if what he told you is true why dump it on you now after 10 years. Especially if he had any idea it would have the reaction on you it did. Why wasn't this thrown in your face during his anger stage after Dday or in his "he doesn't give a crap stage/rationalization" stage of his A?

Either way you are not scum, just focus on you as he needs to focus on him. Don't take this weight on your shoulders as it's not your to bear. Without knowing specifics you no more had control over what happenend to him 10 years ago than he had over you a that period.

Honey I follow your post too. You aren't scum. You are a very sweet and kind and supportive person. Listen to what everyone is saying. I really think you need to protect yourself here. From him!

{{{Unagie}}}

I am a betrayed boyfriend. I read your post and was immediately struck by how sincere you seem. If my xgf had displayed one tenth the regret you show I would have been the happiest man alive.

You made some very bad choices. You have also had the sensitivity and strength to admit that you were wrong, to look at your past and try to come to some conclusions on what you need to fix. Again if my x had the courage to do as you have, I would not feel as abandoned as I do.

As for the super secret that your SO has revealed, I too had a secret at the start of my relationship with the x. I told her within a few months of us being together. She was not affected by it. I agree with the others who have questioned the timing of the revelation. Additionally, I agree with the others who've said this is his issue and should not be a reason for his feelings toward you at this time.

Be careful. Anything as sensitive as you suggest should have been discussed long ago and dealt with then.

It is right that you should feel shame over what you did. However, what happened to him was none of your doing and has nothing to do what's going on between the two of you now.

Keep your chin up Unagie. Don't take on the added burden of you SO's experience and try to forgive yourself at least a little. If you were my SO, I would have forgiven you a long time ago.

phoenixrivers

Thank you everyone for your responses. They mean more then I can say.