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I've heard it, but how do you all define it? I believe it's when one chooses to ignore A/A's, but that's not really possible. Is it the opposite of punishment or recognition of immoral acts/behavior? I truly want to be happy, positive, and in love with WH again, but I don't want to rugsweep, either. We are both undergoing IC/MC to deal with roots of problems and issues. I'll admit I contributed to a lot of problems, but his A's need to be addressed and he is fully aware of that.

Oh it's possible...

It's when you sweep everything under the rug and pretend all is fine and dandy.

Many first A's are handled this way...because sometimes you just don't know what to do. Unfortunately it usually means there will be another betrayal.

You need to address the issues, head on, if there is any hope to healing.

Definitely possible!! I'm pretty sure that's why there's an OW2 in my life... we rugswept OW1. I wanted her to just disappear, and eventually she did.

Rugsweeping happens when you feel like you're both on the same page in terms of wanting to R. You feel like you have the whole story, a reasonable understanding of "why," and two people who just want to move forward and "get over it."

Until dday2,WH was the king of rugsweeping.

Basically,he never wanted me to bring up what he did.

No questions(I was allowed to question him the first few months,but that was it....and I was in shock for 5 months so.....I remember very little).

No IC. No MC. No posting or reading on SI.

Just a "Im a changed man,i will never do it again,so you need to let it go..the past is the past" attitude.

He told me at 3 months to get over it.

Rugsweeping can be done in alot of different ways. Other than ignoring,WH would yell and bully me into shutting up. Because *he* didn't want to talk about it..because it made him feel bad. Nevermind I was dying inside,right?

So all of that rugsweping brought us to dday2. He stole a cell to view porn. I found it. (100% sure it wasn't his cell) He posted on here,saying it was like an addict with a needle. He couldn't stop himself.

That lead us to dday3. Where he threw some major TT at me.

Then he decided he needed to go to IC..and he started talking to me more about it.

That lasted a few weeks.

He stopped going to IC because it's no longer neccessary. He knows what he did was wrong,and he won't do it again.

So..has rugsweeping made our marriage any better?

Hahahahaha!

Um..no.

I have detached. For a long time I felt I loved him,but I wasn't in love with him(recent events have changed this..I love him..dammit). I don't feel close to him. I don't feel safe with him. And I sure as shit don't feel as if he has shown me Im worth the effort to R and have a happy,healthy marriage.

Rugsweeping will kill what's left of your marriage after an affair.

Got it. Thanks everyone for sharing, I know it's hard, but it feels so good to let it all out.

He answers every one of my questions and we discuss it all the time. For 5 months now. I explained I could only accept a "fixed" H, if he didn't "fix" himself, then it was a done deal. He finally understood this after my 4th Dday in 5 months. He's in IC right now. All is not fine and dandy, but I do want to be happy. Is that the same???

rugsweeping is pretending everything is okay...when it is not...and just trying to "move on" when the work has not been done...100% of the time, it leads to unhappiness.

after my first dday1...i rugswept...i begged him back....i was angry...he came back....and "did all he could"...except agree to give me access to his phone. i "fell for it" because i was desparate and didnt want to "accept" what he was telling me. i was in DENIAL.

well, then 9 months later, i learned i was in false r.

that is rugsweeping....knowing that something is not right...but pretending that it is okay...or that i "am okay with it" when really it hurts deep inside.

if something doesnt smell right...then it is probably a bunch of BS. ignoring that smell is rugsweeping.

So in order to not rugsweep we need to be 100% trusting and happy?? Is there such thing as being happy too soon? I'm not pretending. I'm happy he's finally starting to heal himself.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:13 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

no. Rugsweeping is not dealing with it..sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened. it's usually something an unremorseful WS will try. They dont want to be reminded of what they did,or face what they have done..so they pretend everything is unicorns and lollipops...meanwhile the BS is suffering..sometimes they suffer quietly...and others will try and try to get their WS to wake up and deal with it(that would be me..).

And happy? It was almost a year before I had a "good" day.

Oh. No, we have been "dealing" with it everyday for about 5 months! It's been exhausting for both of us.

If you need to take a break from talking about it,at 5 months out,that's ok. Maybe you could set aside a night or two a week to discuss it...aside from triggers(which you should tell him about when you have one,and he needs to respond appropriately).

Rugsweeping is more of a "subject closed" way of "dealing" with it.

Liberty, there's a big difference between taking a break and rug sweeping. Taking time to heal and breathe is healthy. Whereas boxing up those feelings and moving them out of sight "permanently" never works. Though the sadness anger and resentment may not be on the surface, they are still there. It is very easy to fall into the habit of stashing this pain away, but over time this can become an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Rug sweeping is not just a WS problem. It can happen to the BS just as easily. Dealing with immense pain can be overwhelming, and it seems a lot easier to stuff those boxes of pain away. But, As you keep stashing those boxes of pain, your emotional storage fills up until it begins to spill out onto you. It can crush you and suffocate you. Then you have to begin the long process of sorting out all of those forgotten hurts and resentments. Its a lot harder the second time around. It has become so intermingled with new hurts, its hard to tell where one ends and another begins.

Keep talking about it, but as confused mentioned, maybe try to schedule a specific time to discuss it so it doesn't consume you. Be kind to yourself. And always allow yourself to truly feel your feelings. There's someone on here, (its slipped my mind currently who) who has a great tagline "you can't heal what you don't feel".

Take care liberty, and best of luck to you and your WH.