Today marks one year since the first dday of many. My head was so far up my arse I let there be many more. Justifying what I'd done, lying, and continuing what I was doing, meanwhile, BSO was slowly and silently breaking.
He gave me so many chances to come clean, but I kept lying, and that made me hate myself more, so I continued on, degrading myself and my BSO. What an utter fool I have been.
I was using and being used by other men, both physically and emotionally to build up that self esteem the same behavior was tearing down. Vicious cycle, I know. Made for some real crazy making in both of us.
Now, I look back, very painfully I must admit, and see that monster I had let myself become. I had learned to fully detach into an almost separate human being. A person who was angry and selfish. A person who lied and drank too much. A person who hated who they were, but continued on that path of destruction. Unfortunately, it took many more months of this awful behavior before it clicked, and I truly realized all the damage I've done.
Through a lot of work and contemplation, I have learned to embrace the pain which allowed me to detach. To face it head on, and deal with it little by little, and let it go. I have stopped drinking, and adjusted my medications. I have learned to stick up for myself, instead of letting hurt feelings become internalized and fester into unrelenting resentment. I no longer blame others for y choices. I have found myself again and no longer feel like a bystander helplessly watching the trainwreck, that was my life unfold. I've learned to take control. On those days where I find myself slipping back into old coping routines(blaming, playing the victim, etc) and I do have many, the difference is I recognize it. And I change it.
When that happens, I tell my IC I hear her voice in the back of my mind, "CG, check yourself ". And she laughs. Says I've really come a long way since I've started being honest with myself and others.
This small phrase has kept me aware of myself. It has taught me to be accountable for myself. It has paved the way for more honesty and integrity. It pushes me to stop, look at myself, and change my approach.
I can only hope that BSO will embrace this change and me as well. Time will tell where we are headed and whether or not we can take this journey together. But for now, I'm going to keep on working. I have a lifetime of bad habits to own and change, and am more than happy to do so for myself and BSO, should he choose to stay.
