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WH has been TT for over 5 months now. He says "he doesn't remember" when he first had PA. I told him, he better remember. I even try pleading with him explaining I cannot move on without this information. (To know when the lies began. For me, this is important). He's not sure if it was before or after or first child born. HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS?!?! He's an alcoholic and says he really doesn't remember. Yet, he remembered he took her to a hotel where they had sex a month after they met/talked/dated. I'm beyond angry. He barely told me about the first PA. Yet, he told me all about most recent ones, and few others AFTER I asked, caught, had proof, etc. IMO, this is soooo BAD. He wouldn't have confessed unless I found out. Says he was waiting for me to R 100% before he told me "everything" which was last couple of weeks. AND, I was waiting for him to confess before committing to R. We were both waiting for each other...

How does he expect you to know what you're R'ing from if he doesn't disclose everything?

lib,

You're in a sort of limbo now, and that's great - it gives you a chance to take back your power.

Your H has cheated. He's lied and lied and lied and lied. Yet he expects you to commit 100% to R before he'll do what he need to do to heal? What world does he live in?

Please - tell him you'll commit only after you see consistent R behavior from him for months. Tell him the longer he waits, the more likely you are to split.

Also, check out the use of the Drama Triangle in understanding alcoholism. When you give up your boundaries and/or take responsibility for your H's well-being, you're hurting yourself and your H.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:54 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

WH here, and FWIW, it's possible that he really doesn't remember, especially if he's an alcoholic, as that can do all sorts of damage to memory.

I know that doesn't help you get the answers you want/need, but it's possible the answers just aren't there to be had any more. I know that's one of the most frustrating things for my BS is that I simply don't remember some of the things she's asking about.

Hopefully the answer is there for him to give you, but he can't get to it right away, and if you let it go, he may come to you with the answer on his own later. He might not of course, but there's only so much you can do to drag it out of him.

Madhatter here. I asked H when he realized he wanted to sleep with his EA partner and he told me he didn't know. I got really frustrated with that answer, but I realized the same is true for me - I can't remember when the EA developed, or when it turned into a PA with a kiss. I can give you a basic juncture in time relevant to other things in my life, but I can't narrow it down anymore than that - and the only reason I can tell you relevant to other events is that the other event is how I met the AP.

So he may legitimately not know - but given his 5 months of TT I have a feeling it's in there somewhere and he just doesn't want to admit it.

My concern would be whether he is an SA, sex addict. Many SAs are dually addicted. Mine was a recovering opiate addict when he switched to sex addiction. It actually started during the drug abuse but wasn't addressed in rehab, as it wasn't that severe yet. Is he sober? Working a program? Hopefully in IC?

Oh, and SAs and other addicts have a hard time remembering until they are in recovery. The high from sex addiction causes as much fuzziness as when they are high from drugs.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:37 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

According to research, alcoholism causes otherwise normal adults to become sociopaths. In my opinion, it causes brain damage regarding emotional issues such as empathy, remorse and even thinking about emotional situations. I think that brain damage only heals slowly and incrementally, if at all, with sobriety. Even when recovering from alcoholism, the brain damage persists. They can't process emotional information. Their brains become overloaded and they shut down like a computer with a virus. They "can't" remember because, even though the memories are there, they block them out very much the way we are able to block them out on some days and not on others. Years of alcoholism and lying make them better at blocking memories out than we are. I don't know whether to accept it as a legitimate disability or refuse to put up with what looks and feels like lying, manipulative, abusive crap.

I call bullshit. He knows.

"I don't know/remember"= "I know,but Im not going to tell you because I don't want to face the fall out or the consequences that will occur if I answer that question."

Tell him fine,if he doesn't remember right now. That you will give him a few days to think about it. Tell him he can spend some time digging deep into his memory and figure out the answer for you.

This is one of the reason's it's called "hard work." Sometimes the answers may not be on the tip of their tongue,but they can dig deep and find them for you.

After 2.5 years of "I don't know's" I had major TT and 2 more Ddays. I told WH I will never accept that answer again.

He knows if he slept with her before or after the birth of his first child. Im guessing the answer is before..or during..and he exposed you and your unborn child to STD's..and he knows this will piss you off,so he's pretending he forgot.

And considering the amount of TT he has flung at you...yeah...he remembers.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:03 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

So, apparently he has told me everything. He boasted about how he felt good about telling his therapist. Well, I've heard him say that one too many times. I guess I have to believe him now.

Thanks everyone. I don't understand what it's like to be a drinker, but some of you do. I understand it's very difficult to not drink and I can't even imagine what fog he's been in. Says he's blessed for every day that he's with us. He drank a few times in last 5 months bc says he didn't know where we stood in terms of R. Had his very last beer on our anniversary this past weekend, so he can keep count from that day forward. Let's hope it's for good.

Claims he first cheated a few months AFTER baby born. I get the logic in terms of giving baby STD, but he had been cheating while baby #2 born too. It wouldn't be very shocking if it was before baby #1 too. I just thought we were happy when we were first pregnant. He had been saying it started when I was first pregnant, but now he "remembers" it was when fist baby a few months old bc he had "fathering" issues of if he would be a good dad. Needless to say, he hasn't been hands on in last 3 years, up until 5 months ago after my first Dday. So, there it is. This is what I get in life. Gotta go make some lemonade with my broken man.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

This all sounds so familiar. WH had an EA when I was pregnant first time around, he says he had issues about becoming a dad and let a friendship develop too far. Then while I was pregnant the second time he started having casual sex with multiple partners. I also got the TT and a lot of memory loss. DD1 he said that he first started cheating when I was about 6 month pregnant and that there were 2 women. DD2 he admitted to another woman before the oths but insisted he didn't remember when it started, whether I was pregnant yet or not. We have gone over and over this, as I just cannot believe he wouldn't remember something so significant. How could it not stick in his memory? Because something drove him to do it for the first time, something situational. So how can he not remember what it was, which would clue him into when it was? How can he not remember what he felt at the time and whether those feelings were linked to trying for a baby or being pregnant? It doesn't make any sense to me. He later volunteered the memory that she had been home from uni for the summer, but that is as specific as he was able to be.

These memory gaps are a real frustration for me and a big part of why I simply cannot trust him. I think he is STILL holding back, still lying, even after everything, so we can never R.

I truly hope you have gotten the truth now and can begin to heal together.

I could weigh in as a drinker. I have blacked out and been reminded of what I did when I blacked out....but still remembered what fun I had before I blacked out and still to this day. IMO it was a diversion to say don't remember, and protect your feelings and save himself. When I'm in this situation with ws I just remember to be patient and keep at it. Don't get outraged and try the humor approach and it falls out if weak enough.. I hope I'm not judged as an alcoholic because I quit for several years before d day...if I seem off topic I apologize.