SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You all have been so helpful and supportive in the past. It's been a while since I have posted or even lurked on the forum for that matter, but I'm back because I don't know where else to turn. No one gets it like you do.

Here goes:

I thought I was doing ok. I thought that I had overcome this whole mess. This Divorce is taking FOREVER! My attorney wants us to separate all of the financial debt before we finalize the SA. Plus, we are still waiting on the settlement for the retirement.

Here is my problem, a year ago, I was doing great. Going out, having fun, exercising, taking care of myself. But then it seems like something always happens to derail me. I had to put one of my dogs down in November and I have been on a downward spiral since. That may seem minor to most people, but I am a major dog lover and my dogs are my kids. I confess that I'm drinking more than I should, not exercising or taking care of myself like I should.

I am still in "business only" contact with my STBX, other than that it is NC! However, we live in the same, fairly small town and I see him occasionally (too often for my taste). He has been exercising and taking care of himself and he has lost a ton of weight. In the past when he lost weight it was because there was another woman in the picture. But why was I never worth losing weight? He seems so happy and proud of himself. Does he not realize what he did? Does he not care? Was I that terrible?

Please tell me that this is just a minor setback!

I stopped going to IC when I thought I was ok. Maybe I should go back. I would really appreciate any tips, advice, or just words of encouragement to help with this (aside from IC).

HI,

I was doing really well in the fall and the after false R, have gone far downhill.

I too have good days and bad days, good seconds and bad seconds. I am currently searching for the triggers that make a happy minute come and trying to glue them onto myself.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. What kind was he or she? We lost ours last year and it was devestating. He was 13 and as naughty as he was loyal-though not so loyal when he took off on us!

I just started the D papers and haven't even heard if STBXH submitted them yet. I'm sorry you are in slow motion, for it seems like it makes it all longer to think about.

Pampering ourselves is a piece of I got from a cousin who is working closely with her brother, who lost his wife last year. Pampering ourselves is something that doesn't have to cost money, either, they are both quick to remind me.

One thing he does and I do is when we find any little thing we enjoy, we do it MORE! Like, he's a video gamer and I'm a tv aholic, so we indulge in an extra show or he in ten more minutes of gaming if his daughter doesn't need something (lol).

If you like taking a bath, do it again or stay in longer. Do you know what I mean?

I like driving, so I go the long way and try not to worry about the gas. Or I like sitting in my yard, so I stay an extra five minutes.

Doing things you take pride in also helps me so that when I look back on the day or increment of time, I can have a definitive accomplishment I can see.

Light chores are an example.

Maybe an extra few minutes with your dogs or another trip out on your favorite walk?

One of my only comforts at present is my lil ol' elder cat, so I work to find time to spend with her. She never rejects me and is always happy to see me. That's pretty rare. Being warm and fuzzy goes along way, too!

And realizing its okay that we ourselves need time out is helpful, too.

Thank you for your kind reply. It made me tear up a bit.

My sweet boy was a 17 yo Jack Russell Terrier and was the poster child of terriers. Tenacious, naughty, yet so loving and fun. He absolutely hated seeing me upset and would cling to my side when I would cry.

Your post is encouraging and I will search for the little things that bring happiness.

Our ddays are very close and I recently had a stretch like what you are describing.

Last year I was doing great, too. I was working out, going to dinner and movies with friends, but one weekend I hit a bottom like never before. It stayed with me for a while, too.

I think it's part of the healing. I have tried not to drink because that is going to bring me down, not up.

I had to go out of town to help a family member and that really really helped me alot! Just not having him close was really uplifting, I had not realized how on edge I always was --- afraid I was going to run into him.

Anyway, I got my hair cut and went to a week free at a tanning bed. That sorta turned it around for me. I also went to see a friend who lives in the next town over. I stayed at her place overnight and it was really nice to talk about fun stuff and not have XH anywhere around....

((((longway))))

(((longwaytohappy)))

I'm so sorry about your dog. We also had to put our beloved dog to sleep in November. It was devastating to both STBXH and I. We both literally cried for days. His affair started soon after that though and DDay was in January, so it's been one horror after another.

I would try and go back to IC. I'm only a few months out on this, but I imagine I will have some major setbacks in the future. The recovery process from infidelity is just too damn long!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think stress/grief are big triggers. When the adrenalin of surviving that first devastating year or two starts fading it can mean we're a little depleted when we face challenges.

I also think these challenges are a way for us to learn coping mechanisms for grief other than infidelity.

I've largely avoided alcohol beyond a glass or two since DD. I'm concerned that any alteration of my mood/mind during this difficult time will set me back.

Hi longway,

I believe that you need to feel better about yourself. My suggestions are as follows: go to the gym and work out like there is no tomorrow, get a new hair style, buy some new clothes, get some new make-up, eat better, slow way down on the drinking, go to church, see a counselor, etc. Infidelity, divorce and the aftermath has been the worst experience of my life and it sent my self esteem into the gutter. I followed all of my recommendations and feel much better about me. Keep plugging away longway and don't give up. It's not an easy path but you can make it.